Untitled (Revised)

Sometimes a mini storage tycoon gets one of those phone calls from someone in the depths of despair. Today was one of those days. This lady calls asking how much rent was due on her son's unit, which somehow dissolved into her mulling over the fact that her son had yet to find a real job ("and he's such a smart boy" she said). I didn't have the heart to tell her that he was likely fucked. Then she went into how her daughter recently split from her man and was living in their double wide trailer with her 2 kids, and how they were trying to help her out. I consoled the woman with a hollow "the economy is rough right now, I'm having to do this until I find a long term job..." yada yada yada. Then just as I thought I was about to complete out phone visit, she comes from the blindside with a jaw dropper...to top things off, she was losing her hair! up until this point my level of sorrow for the woman's plight was minimal, but to be losing your hair on top of everything else? That's just a low blow. Ultimately this story was to show the wide variety of exciting stories being a mini storage tycoon can bring into your life, and a mini storage tycoon has to wear many hats. You have to keep monetary records. You have to be able to rent units. You have to be able to sweep out units when people move. You have to keep your cool with angry renters. And sometimes you have to put on your counseling hat like I did today and be there to listen to a renter going through some tough times with the ongoing losing of her hair.

Today I also had to hold back my discontent with a young whipper snapper who came in to rent a unit with his headphones BLARING some shitty pop-punk band music (think Blink 182 but worse), and instead of pausing the music to rent his unit, he left the headphones dangling so that we both got to listen to his shitty music. I was thisclose to bitch slapping him and lecturing him on giving proper respect to not just The Tycoon, but all mini storage tycoons across this great nation. Kids these days.

As I was sitting at the desk writing some bills waiting for my cell phone to ring with a job offer from the US Patent Office (i interviewed on February 14 and they told me it'd be about 2 months, so we are on day 5 of "will The Tycoon dupe the USPTO into giving him a job so that he can expand his empire to the mid-atlantic" watch), I hear an advertisement on TV during the Price is Right that is speaking directly to me. As I watch my student loan bills come in and I beg them for another deferment, the stress of pending financial doom has hindered my tycooning abilities, leaving me confused as to whether I unlocked the proper units or recorded the proper payments and I have to spend minutes of my day rechecking the work I should have already done. It may be time to contact Denvil F. Crowe. His mind-blowingly awesome TV ad is below, and I can only home that is Denvil playing the part of the evil bill collector.



And as if just to rub a little salt in the wound, Oprah today was about professional women who hate their jobs, and something like 48% of them are unsatisfied by their careers. I got an idea, QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOB AND LET ME HAVE IT THEN. I really have no pity on anyone bitching about getting a good paycheck for a job they actually sought to do at some point. "Wah, I have to work 60 hours a week". "Wah, I don't have time to cook dinner every night". "Wah wah wah". I bet their ass isn't upset when they get to take their Mexican vacation or buy their plasma TV. And don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on women here, I feel the same way towards anyone (male, female, or hermaphrodite) who wants to bitch about making enough money to pay bills and enjoy themselves a bit on the side.

On the lighter side of things, "Dear Abbey" today was a outstanding. In the 1st letter, Non-Enabler wrote in lamenting the fact that her sister had begged her for money for the umpteenth time which she could not afford to give this time (yeah, i know, fairly typical "Dear Abbey" shit, but wait). So now the sister (who is married with 3 daughters) has joined a swingers' club and has 1 night affairs all the time, and she blames this on Non-Enabler, AND NON-ENABLER ACTUALLY FEELS AT FAULT. I think I'm gonna beg for money, join a swingers' club, and then blame it all on someone else for not giving me money I needed to pay my student loans. That actually sounds like a pretty appealing plan at this point. In the 2nd letter, Picture Perfect wrote distraught about what she and her husband should do with the nude portraits they had painted of each other. For obvious reasons, they did not want to leave these items behind for their children (can you imagine the look on their faces when they pulled those out - awesome). It humors me that people sit around so perplexed over some issues they actually take the time to write in to Dear Abbey, or even better the dumbasses that write in to Miss Manners. I mean, who sits around with nothing better to do than write out their every minute thought?

Finally, I take pride in the recent $104 million dollar 4th quarter losses by Sallie Mae. I may not be able to get a job helping a firm or company make money, but I'll be damned if I'm not gonna help tear one down!

Tired of Starkville,
The Tycoon

Addendum:
It was brought to my attention the other day by a loyal follower (you know who you are) that a disturbing lack of fanatical reviews for my mini storage empire appeared on the Google search for "Starkville Mini Storage". I am asking my loyal readers to each take a moment to visit Google (here's the link if you are lazy) and take the time to write 1 or more marvelous reviews for either (B) Bulldog Mini Storage, (D) Starkville Mini Storage, (G) North Jackson Mini Storage, or (J) Starkville Mini Storage (should be listed as Bully's Lockers - I am in the process of writing a letter to Google threatening legal action if this oversight is not corrected ASAP). You know that actual renters were overwhelmed by the quality of mini storaging I provided them, so feel free to embellish those feelings. It could also be beneficial to The Tycoon's love life if a couple of you alluded to the rugged good-looks and splendid wit and charm displayed by a certain tycoon. Get to work.