Today was a relatively slow day in the life of The Tycoon, and I still have plenty to write about. That should tell you all you need to know about the world of a mini storage tycoon. First of all the day started with me obtaining my first mini storage-related injury. I was expertly going through some storage leases when I briefly lost concentration and stabbed the end of a staple into the middle finger of my left hand. I was able to extract the end of the staple through the entry wound without causing too much more damage, but it hurt like shit and I was across town from my 1st aid kit and the hospital was even further away. So what did I do? I did what any dedicated mini storage tycoon would do, I wrapped that bitch in a paper towel (which quickly soaked through with blood) and soldiered on. I am currently typing tonight's post without the use of my left middle finger, so please excuse any typos. I am pretty embarrassed I allowed such an amateur slip up to occur. On the brightside, it does appear that my finger will be saved and should be back to 100% in time for tomorrow's workday.
Around lunch storms hit the Starkville metro area, and upon arriving at the office post-lunch, I was faced with the prospects of a non-working office phone. Normal human beings would cripple under such adversity in light of the morning injury, but not a true tycoon like myself. I calmly gathered my thoughts, pulled out my cell phone, and called the phone company. They informed me that they were already working on the problem and to hold tight. The phone was not fixed by closing time, but that's OK because I proved to myself that I could handle adversity with the best of them. I am The Mini Storage Tycoon.
Last night after blogging, I was sitting at home watching TV and was amazed by what I saw: THE BACK-UP.
Loyal readers, I know half of you are west coast hippies, but I encourage you all to exercise you 2nd Amendment right to sleep next to a loaded shotgun! I can't help but imagine hilarity in trailer parks everywhere as The Back-Up becomes a national phenomenon. Imagine:
It's dark as the camera pans over the outside of a house trailer. Now we are in a darkened bedroom.
A woman rolls over in bed pulling the covers with her, leaving her man exposed to the elements. After a couple of minutes, the draftiness of the house trailer causes the man to stir and he awakens to find his woman nice and toasty and deep asleep. He pulls at the covers.
Man (whispering): "Darlene Sue! Darlene Sue! Give me some of the covers!"
Woman (mumbling): "Huh? Sure honey."
Woman fails to release the man's share of the covers.
We hear the distinctive sound of a pump-action shotgun being cocked and loaded.
Man: "$%#dammit Darlene Sue! For the last time give me back my covers!"
I am excited about The Back-Up if you can't tell. In fact, Alex, if The Back-Up had been a national craze last summer, you and Robyn would have each gotten your very own The Back-Up as a wedding gift. Y'all could probably actually use them in Memphis.
Moving on, some of you loyal readers might not remember that I am an official lawyer and shit, but choose to enter the mini storage tycoon business. Well I enjoy keeping abreast of developments involving my former lawyer peers. Loyal readers, meet Scott Meece. He is a former Tennessee and Louisiana lawyer who decided to switch careers and enter the exciting field of BANK ROBBING! While I would like to think that Meece voluntarily switched careers, the evidence indicates that his hand was forced when he was fired from his 5th firm since 2004 recently, one of which paid him $90,000. Why did he got the boot you may ask? Well for a variety of reasons ranging from fraud to porno on the work computer to general slackassness. I just have 1 question: HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GUY GET HIRED AND FIRED BY 5 FUCKING FIRMS SINCE 2004, AT LEAST ONE OF WHICH WAS PAYING HIM $90k/YEAR, WHILE I CAN'T EVEN GET A FIRM TO NIBBLE ON MY BAIT?!?! Sorry readers for losing it momentarily, I am quite content progressing my life as a mini storage tycoon.
Speaking of which, my horoscope today states that something I've worked hard for is about to pay off, so I figure that must mean I am about to win the lottery! Hooray! And 2nd, my horoscope siad that I'm "hugely charming tonight". I may have to venture out into the Starkville nightlife and see if it's true. Unless some of my female loyal readers would like to let me know how charming I am tonight and save me the trouble of leaving the house. Either way, I need to know the validity of the charming part of the horoscope so that I know whether to rely on me winning the lottery soon, so please ladies, leave a comment ASAP, Starkvegas bars close at midnight on a Thursday night.
Finally, I am frantically seeking out a full length recording of these kids singing Poison's "Nothing But A Good Time". Whoever can direct me to or provide me with a full length version will share in my future lottery winnings. Thanks.
Until next time,
The Tycoon
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3 comments:
hmm...the fact that i got no responses as to my charm tonight leads me to believe that perhaps i will in fact not be winning the lottery in the near future. bummer.
Well tycoon, you are charming, so keep your chin up. Did you venture out to the Snoop show at Rick's to see what the women of Starkville thought? And yeah, we could definately use the backup, but as you know, I have no shortage of guns near the bed (we do live in Memphis).
the snoop tickets went on sale and sold out while i was out of town doing tycoon stuff :(
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