So last night I had one of the most exciting 5 minutes of my life! I am laying in my bed naked around 12:45 watching TV half awake waiting on the 1 a.m. X-Files (I usually go to sleep around 2 a.m. for a solid 6 hours of sleep). I heard a commotion which I chalked up to the cats (I'll discuss them more later). Moments later there is a knock on the door. My heart pounds as I spring from bed ready to grab weaponry. Why hadn't I bought myself The Back-Up?!?! Or maybe one of these:
I pull on some pajama pants and make my way to the door, but couldn't see anything through the peep hole, so I slowly and cautiously open it a crack to find 2 Starkville Police Officers standing there. Immediately I was thinking of my possible offense...Where they here to break up my mini storage monopoly? Surely that porn site titled "Hot Teen Girls" wasn't actually underage teen girls was it?! After suppressing the urge to bolt, I asked the officers what the problem was only to be informed that someone had called 911 from my house. I tell them the phones weren't even working, only to have the phone then start ringing behind me. It was 911 calling to see if the cops were there. During this time 2 more cop cars pull up on our quaint little street. After convincing the cops that I was home alone and that I didn't call 911 and that there was no additional apartment on the back of the house or anything, they reluctantly left. The Fuzz don't like leaving calls without a little action, that's for sure. I thought they might tazer me for the hell of it. Moving on, once they left I then noticed the chill. I think I might have been dangling out my pajama pants fly the whole time. Oops.
I know several of my loyal followers have expressed concern that The Tycoon has no friends in Starkville. Well I do indeed have friends, 3 of them to be exact. Let me introduce y'all to Lint, Other Kitty, and Greg Oden.
Say hello to Lint! Can you guess why his name is Lint? Lint was adopted from the Humane Society about 4 years ago, but shh don't tell him.
He is quite independent and is not much of a people person, which makes our relationship very strained at times when he simply won't pay any attention to me. Hell getting him to pose for this photo took hours and the promise being left alone for the rest of the night. He is very furry and pretty ginormous. His girth impresses many visitors. Lint also has no balls.Say hello to Other Kitty! Other Kitty came to us through a miracle of God. She followed my sister back to the car from taking some nature pictures at an Indian mound back in the fall. She was never given a proper name and now enjoys the uniqueness of being named Other Kitty. Other Kitty's personality is the exact opposite of Lint. She is just like a typical
woman requiring tons of attention and getting her feelings hurt when you don't feel like cuddling. My sister refused to let Other Kitty out of the house for a very long time sheltering her from real life, but as Other Kitty blossomed into a young woman, she began to experience strange feelings and her hormones were raging and she became rebellious (otherwise known as being "in heat" as she hadn't had her tubes tied). One cold evening as I returned home from the grocery store, Other Kitty bolted out the door and away from my grasp. I tried to lure her home with the promise of food, but she was too horny to lose sight of her goals. That evening in a sign of rebelliousness Other Kitty allowed a local boy from the wrong side of the tracks to have carnal knowledge of her. She is now pregnant (you may be able to see the belly in the picture). Other Kitty often sleeps in the bed with me, but I swear I ain't no baby's daddy. And remember Lint has no balls, so it isn't his, but he has promised to care for the children as his own since he lives with Other Kitty. I have tentatively brokered a deal with Maury Povich for Other Kitty to find out who her babies' daddy is on his first pet DNA testing episode titled "I Was Gang Banged By 10 Kittie, But I Know You Are My Babies' Daddy!!"Finally, say hello to Greg Oden! Greg and I became acquainted during my all too brief Portland stay. He was my only friend willing to ride cross country to MS with
me when I made the decision to go into the mini storage tycooning business. Greg and I often shoot hoops in the backyard. We play h-o-r-s-e with a no dunk rule. He still usually wins, but I never thought of myself as much of a scorer, instead as a tweener with PF rebounding skillz and PG passing skillz. Unfortunately my dribbling skills aren't that sweet either. Greg and I often discuss life, he talks about the disappointment in missing his rookie season with microfracture surgery, and I know how he feels as I was struggling with my inability to find work as an attorney. We really bonded. We are both in a better place now though, as Greg can see the light of next season's start and I am content to be a mini storage tycoon.In the legal world there exists a Code of Ethics governing the actions of attorneys everywhere. While mini storage tycoons do not have a written code of ethics, there is an unspoken code of ethics that combines average mini storage workers ethics and general tycoon ethics. I have a dilemma. Today a young lady entered the mini storage and caught my fancy. Unfortunately she was not into small talk and simply wanted to pay her rent and leave. Being a tycoon and all, I often have to watch for gold digging women. I am tired of the womanizing and bachelorhood that accompanies young tycoons who fill their time with woman just wanting a some free drinks and to sleep in a spacious bedroom with Mississippi State borderpaper. Would it be a mini storage tycoon be violating his ethical code by snaking the lady's phone number from her mini storage file and calling her up? Vote here!
And now loyal followers, here is a once in a lifetime opportunity!! It's a Tycoontest where 1 lucky follower will be able to switch lives with me, The Tycoon, for a week (or a month or however long you wish). To enter the Tycoontest, write why you want to experience the life of a tycoon in 100 words or less in the comments section. I will accept entries for 1 week before naming a winner. The winner will be able to switch lives with me, The Tycoon, for at least 1 week. During our switch-a-roo, you will do everything in my life, including playing h-o-r-s-e with Oden, feeding Lint, and cuddling with Other Kitty, while I do everything in your life. That does include paying student loa...er, bills that become due during the switch. So get your entries in and don't miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime!! Enter the Tycoontest!!
Oh, and before I go, to my California followers, for $200 and a free weekend, you can legally learn how to grow you very own marijuana! Classes are booked until May, but I think it'd be worth the wait.
In honor of my Starkvegas friends, I leave you with LCD Soundsystem "All My Friends".
Godspeed to all you bar retakers. I had an entire motivational blogging idea I was gonna post yesterday, but due to the great telephone line outage of 2/25/08 I was unable to get you all properly ready. I hope you all pass and are less successful than me at being an unemployed lawyer. But should you wish, I will be more than happy to guide you in the ways of The Tycoon.
The Tycoon
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