Hello, I Am The Tycoon

While growing up, I never pictured myself becoming a Mini Storage Tycoon, but apparently God had different ideas...or I really pissed him off at some point. Either way, I have now taken my engineering and law degree and my bar membership and turned them into an efficient payment taking, late bill sending, locking out, unit sweeping, receipt writing machine. I am even beginning to find joy in my unexpected career path, such as having every 3rd week off, watching game shows in the morning, and watching DVDs and Maury in the afternoon. And nothing beats being able to foreclose on a poor black single mom's mini storage unit and sell their lifelong belongings for a fraction of the money owed on the mini storage unit.

Here's a story from yesterday. Middle aged black woman comes into the office, she is several months late, but has an elaborate story about being in the hospital for mental illness and through that process is now homeless and has no food. She says she'll be in to pay the rent up at the end of the month, but all renters behind on payment always claim that, and rarely do they follow through. But I digress, this is a story about a mentally ill homeless black mini storage renter, not about the general nature of delinquent renters. Anyway, so this woman is homeless and hungry and locked out of her unit, and she was claiming that she had a bag of canned goods in her unit that she needed to get so that she could eat for the rest of the month. I agreed to let her in to get her canned goods, but that was all. For a brief moment, I thought she was gonna kiss me or something and I feared for my health, but she settled for a handshake. It is yet to be seen whether she somehow comes up with the $100+ she needs to get her stuff out of her unit.

On another note, I had a pretty cute black chick come in to pay her rent this morning. She also changed her name on the unit to her original last name cause she was "leaving her old man". Immediately I was somewhat intrigued, and even more so when she initiated a conversation regarding the Price Is Right and Drew Carey's handling of the host duties from the incomparable Bob Barker. We both agreed it wasn't the same, mostly because of Drew's strange little high pitch giggle that he let's loose around 428 times per show...he sounds like a drunk 12 year old Asian girl (one in particular I can think of). Back to the story, the sparks were flying, and I was regretting having missed out on landing a pair of Snoop Dogg tickets for tonight's show at Rick's. I almost asked her if she was going on the off chance that she might have an extra since she had just left "her old man", but I pussed out and let her slip out the mini storage door and out of my grasp forever. I bet she is currently getting low to a little gin and juice while I sit here telling my story and drinking a 40. Life in Starkville is good. Maybe I will walk to Rick's and wait for her to leave the show...

I can't wait to inherit my share of the mini storages and begin expanding my empire. I think I'll start in Memphis.

Before I leave my loyal readers for the evening, I am in the process of filing a copyright on "Mini Storage Tycoon" - remember I am a lawyer, so I know how to do that shit - and I am currently developing a Roller Coaster Tycoon-type game and looking for a distributor. In the game the tycoon (that would be you) would balance the books in maintaining high quality mini storage facilities. You will run into problems such as renters storing food in their unit leading to mice and rats (can you budget correctly to provide the right amount of rat poison?), confusing renters who claim they have paid when they damn well know they haven't, white trash using their units as their private meth lab (can you figure out which unit emits the funny smell before losing the building to an explosion?), renters driving moving trucks when they have no experience driving anything larger than VW Bug (WATCH OUT FOR THE FENCE! *bang* WATCH OUT FOR THE CORNER OF THE BUILDING! *crash*), and tornadoes dropping mobile homes (ok trailers) on the back end of your mini storage (yes this really happened), amongst many other exciting adventures.

So this is my life. I will try to update daily, with stories, observations, links, and music recommendations for my readers (and I know Britton will appreciate not having an inbox full of great e-mails since he is still learning how to use the delete function on his new technologically advance laptop).

The most accurate depiction of the WNBA ever!


The best song that Beck should have officially released years ago (nevermind the video, i just couldn't find a good stream of it).