Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Important Breaking Health Report!

Ladies, are you depressed? Feeling gloomy? Wish you were happier? Maybe all you need is some semen. Yes that's right, semen. According to recent SCIENTIFIC studies, exposure to semen makes women happier.

"Women exposed to their partner's semen during sex ... find themselves feeling happier than those who use a condom, say scientists.

Scientists in the US believe the mood-altering hormones in semen absorbed through the vagina help to boost women's mood."

"They found that women whose partners never used condoms were happiest. They were followed by women whose partners sometimes used condoms."

"Mr Gallup said the findings ... also apply to women who engage in unprotected oral sex and people who engage in anal sex."

Men everywhere are rejoicing! I would suggest printing this article out and having it handy for your lady to read and learn from. Really ladies, we just want you to be happy.

And for those of you looking to spark you sex lives, did you know that you don't have to venture into one of those shady adult stores to buy you sex toys? You can simply walk into you local WALGREENS and purchase all your needs. Now admittedly they don't get too kinky, but if you want to got there then you probably don't have any problems going to the shady adult store in the first place. I would recommend the OhMiBod Vibrator for you music fans out there. Just read this description and tell me you aren't interested:

OhMiBod Vibrator is a sleek, sophisticated new generation of vibrator that combines elegance of design with the excitement of your favorite music. The audio enabled integrated microchip allows it to vibrate to the beat and rhythm of your music while you listen. Includes an additional multi-speed end cap for use without a music player. It really is two products in one! The motor provides strong yet quiet, intense rhythmic vibrations. Polished chrome detail and pearl white body.

I know that I am a huge music fan, and if I was a woman, I couldn't imagine a better surprise! I am sitting here wondering what music I like would work best with the OhMiBod Vibrator. The reviews seem to vary from preferring faster techno songs to the sensual soul of Barry Manilow. I think some afrobeat music could be a bit out of control. I know for one thing, I would feel closer to the music I love than ever. I would love for some of The Tycoon's loyal female followers to give some feedback on the OhMiBod Vibrator. Maybe someone can get to work on developing an male equivalent?

Some of you may have read or saw Gary Busey being awesome at the Oscars. I would just like to take this moment to promote "I'm With Busey". Quite possibly the most underrated television show ever. Basically the premise is that a Gary Busey superfan gets to hang out with his hero. Gary then teaches his superfan the ways of life. Here is a sample:




I encourage all my loyal followers to sign the Bring Back "I'm With Busey" Petition. As you can see, I, The Tycoon, signed the petition, so if you are a loyal follower, I expect to see your signature on there too. I believe that we can make a difference.

Finally, the past few weeks I have been reading the "Ask Abby" type articles between my tycooning responsibilities and have a few gems I would like to comment on. First, "Cover Up, Please, in Alabama" complains that her son's girlfriend shows too much cleavage at family events and that her husband and other sons have expressed their discomfort with her tittie flaunting. Dear Abby mistakenly takes "Cover Up, Please" at her word. "Cover Up, Please" admit that your husband and sons are not uncomfortable, but rather really enjoy your son's girlfriend showing off, and you, being a woman, are insanely jealous that you don't get the attention, so therefore you are trying to thwart their enjoyment. Also, "Mother of Eight" from Salt Lake City chastises Harriette Cole for supporting adult children who move back home. She says that they should have a job and support themselves like getting a job is second nature. All I can say is that "Mother of Eight" has obviously never had the perfect storm of unmarketability of a bio engineering degree, a law degree, and a bar membershit. Life is rough bitch.

Props to Fruit Bowl for sending prodding me to write a sex related blogging. He also just informed me that men who eat a half serving of soy everyday have 35% less sperm. That could be something to remember for those loyal male followers out there doing women a favor my letting them be exposed to their semen. Current speculation is that a full serving could reduce sperm counts by 70%!

Also, a brief update, Other Kitty's pregnancy is progressing normally. Though tonight I caught her trying to get into the liquor. Fortunately, I took it away and drank it all myself for the protection of the children.

Just a quick reminder: don't forget to enter the Tycoontest. For details read the post from 2/26/08. Leave your essay in the comments section, and remember, the Tycoontest ends on 3/4/08, so get your entries in ASAP.

Until next time,
The Tycoon

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