Friday Night Lights

If we still followed these hiring practices I might be a lawyer instead of a mini storage tycoon. Thank God for the change in times.


Personally I apply a lot of these same principles to my love life. The loyal followers are about to receive priceless insight into the social world of The Tycoon. It's a special place, a place where you spend Friday nights hanging out with the cats watching Netflix and blogging. But I digress, you guys can thank me later when you successfully implement these approaches to your ladies.

1) Pick up the married ladies. Ideally they are too intertwined with their married lives to expect anything from you, and do not wish to make the affair publicly known, as that would bite them in the ass come divorce time.

2) Pick up older women. Cougars. Enough said. I know a guy that you can pick up some cougar hunting (a.k.a. cunting) tips from. Leave your e-mail if interested and I will get you in touch. He specializes in the casino cougar, so if you got that Vegas trip planned, you need to talk with him.

3) Husky girls aren't crazy. Well, all girls are crazy, husky girls are just less so. No wonder guys tend to go that route from time to time.

4) Women need to get their shit checked out! Don't come giving your diseases to men, keep them isolated in your own sex! Such check ups would allow the man to at least make an informed decision ("Condom? Fuck it. I'll just Lysol it afterwards.")

5) Women need to slow things up, otherwise the man is over and done with in a minute or 2.

6) I prefer to make a list of things I want the lady to do before we get started, I even specify the length of time spent at each "job". Yeah, maybe the mood suffers slightly, but I hate when she starts asking questions. Keep your mother shut woman!

7) I too encourage changing from one woman to another, and allowing several women to take turns performing the "job". It does really keep morale high.

8) I too enjoy giving my lady some rest. God knows I need my rest too.

9) If you want to start badgering your lady about her skillz in the sack, be my guest. It takes a special evil soul to bring out those guns early on the in the relationship.

10) Women don't like being talked dirty to? Hmmm, bummer. I always kinda ignore this principle. She can deal with it.

11) Women like different sizes of "uniforms". Apparently my size is pretty unpopular.

So here we are loyal followers. Another Friday night. I love Friday nights because they allow me to learn who my true followers are, as they are staying in eagerly refreshing "The Musings of a Mini Storage Tycoon" instead of doing thinks like going to bars, going to movies, going on dates, playing beer pong, and generally having a sweet time. If you want to be known as a true follower, let me know in the comments that you were eagerly awaiting my post.

By the way, there'll be no blogging after tonight until next Wednesday or Thursday. I will be traversing the Mississippi Delta seeking mini storage expansion possibilities. I know what you are thinking: "The MS Delta??". The first rule of mini storage tycooning is that you cater to your renter demographics, and mini storage renters are old white people and poor black people, basically about 98.4% of the MS Delta population. Once I take over the MS Delta, no one will be able to hold me back. Wish me luck followers. On the bright side, there may be a guest blogger documenting my rise from a small town boy with dreams to accomplishing those dreams and becoming The Tycoon.

I really wish I was going to Monster Trucks in Tupelo tomorrow night. Gravedigger is gonna be there. Nothing like an evening of whiskey, mullets, and monster trucks. Maybe next year :(

Time to go watch a movie on Netflix.com. Why is the turnaround time so slow in MS? It was like 1 day in Oregon. It's not like they gotta go far to the distribution center in Jackson. Slackasses.

Until Next Time,
The Tycoon

The Importance of Good Advertising

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Important Breaking Health Report!

Ladies, are you depressed? Feeling gloomy? Wish you were happier? Maybe all you need is some semen. Yes that's right, semen. According to recent SCIENTIFIC studies, exposure to semen makes women happier.

"Women exposed to their partner's semen during sex ... find themselves feeling happier than those who use a condom, say scientists.

Scientists in the US believe the mood-altering hormones in semen absorbed through the vagina help to boost women's mood."

"They found that women whose partners never used condoms were happiest. They were followed by women whose partners sometimes used condoms."

"Mr Gallup said the findings ... also apply to women who engage in unprotected oral sex and people who engage in anal sex."

Men everywhere are rejoicing! I would suggest printing this article out and having it handy for your lady to read and learn from. Really ladies, we just want you to be happy.

And for those of you looking to spark you sex lives, did you know that you don't have to venture into one of those shady adult stores to buy you sex toys? You can simply walk into you local WALGREENS and purchase all your needs. Now admittedly they don't get too kinky, but if you want to got there then you probably don't have any problems going to the shady adult store in the first place. I would recommend the OhMiBod Vibrator for you music fans out there. Just read this description and tell me you aren't interested:

OhMiBod Vibrator is a sleek, sophisticated new generation of vibrator that combines elegance of design with the excitement of your favorite music. The audio enabled integrated microchip allows it to vibrate to the beat and rhythm of your music while you listen. Includes an additional multi-speed end cap for use without a music player. It really is two products in one! The motor provides strong yet quiet, intense rhythmic vibrations. Polished chrome detail and pearl white body.

I know that I am a huge music fan, and if I was a woman, I couldn't imagine a better surprise! I am sitting here wondering what music I like would work best with the OhMiBod Vibrator. The reviews seem to vary from preferring faster techno songs to the sensual soul of Barry Manilow. I think some afrobeat music could be a bit out of control. I know for one thing, I would feel closer to the music I love than ever. I would love for some of The Tycoon's loyal female followers to give some feedback on the OhMiBod Vibrator. Maybe someone can get to work on developing an male equivalent?

Some of you may have read or saw Gary Busey being awesome at the Oscars. I would just like to take this moment to promote "I'm With Busey". Quite possibly the most underrated television show ever. Basically the premise is that a Gary Busey superfan gets to hang out with his hero. Gary then teaches his superfan the ways of life. Here is a sample:




I encourage all my loyal followers to sign the Bring Back "I'm With Busey" Petition. As you can see, I, The Tycoon, signed the petition, so if you are a loyal follower, I expect to see your signature on there too. I believe that we can make a difference.

Finally, the past few weeks I have been reading the "Ask Abby" type articles between my tycooning responsibilities and have a few gems I would like to comment on. First, "Cover Up, Please, in Alabama" complains that her son's girlfriend shows too much cleavage at family events and that her husband and other sons have expressed their discomfort with her tittie flaunting. Dear Abby mistakenly takes "Cover Up, Please" at her word. "Cover Up, Please" admit that your husband and sons are not uncomfortable, but rather really enjoy your son's girlfriend showing off, and you, being a woman, are insanely jealous that you don't get the attention, so therefore you are trying to thwart their enjoyment. Also, "Mother of Eight" from Salt Lake City chastises Harriette Cole for supporting adult children who move back home. She says that they should have a job and support themselves like getting a job is second nature. All I can say is that "Mother of Eight" has obviously never had the perfect storm of unmarketability of a bio engineering degree, a law degree, and a bar membershit. Life is rough bitch.

Props to Fruit Bowl for sending prodding me to write a sex related blogging. He also just informed me that men who eat a half serving of soy everyday have 35% less sperm. That could be something to remember for those loyal male followers out there doing women a favor my letting them be exposed to their semen. Current speculation is that a full serving could reduce sperm counts by 70%!

Also, a brief update, Other Kitty's pregnancy is progressing normally. Though tonight I caught her trying to get into the liquor. Fortunately, I took it away and drank it all myself for the protection of the children.

Just a quick reminder: don't forget to enter the Tycoontest. For details read the post from 2/26/08. Leave your essay in the comments section, and remember, the Tycoontest ends on 3/4/08, so get your entries in ASAP.

Until next time,
The Tycoon

All My Friends, The Fuzz, Eithics, and a Tycoontest

First of all, loyal followers, I apologize about last night's absence, the telephones (and therefore DSL) were out at my house, so this edition will be a little longer to make up. On a side note, given the recent outages of the landline telephones at both the mini storage and my house, are we at a point in America where cell phones are now the most reliable form of telecommunication?

So last night I had one of the most exciting 5 minutes of my life! I am laying in my bed naked around 12:45 watching TV half awake waiting on the 1 a.m. X-Files (I usually go to sleep around 2 a.m. for a solid 6 hours of sleep). I heard a commotion which I chalked up to the cats (I'll discuss them more later). Moments later there is a knock on the door. My heart pounds as I spring from bed ready to grab weaponry. Why hadn't I bought myself The Back-Up?!?! Or maybe one of these:



I pull on some pajama pants and make my way to the door, but couldn't see anything through the peep hole, so I slowly and cautiously open it a crack to find 2 Starkville Police Officers standing there. Immediately I was thinking of my possible offense...Where they here to break up my mini storage monopoly? Surely that porn site titled "Hot Teen Girls" wasn't actually underage teen girls was it?! After suppressing the urge to bolt, I asked the officers what the problem was only to be informed that someone had called 911 from my house. I tell them the phones weren't even working, only to have the phone then start ringing behind me. It was 911 calling to see if the cops were there. During this time 2 more cop cars pull up on our quaint little street. After convincing the cops that I was home alone and that I didn't call 911 and that there was no additional apartment on the back of the house or anything, they reluctantly left. The Fuzz don't like leaving calls without a little action, that's for sure. I thought they might tazer me for the hell of it. Moving on, once they left I then noticed the chill. I think I might have been dangling out my pajama pants fly the whole time. Oops.

I know several of my loyal followers have expressed concern that The Tycoon has no friends in Starkville. Well I do indeed have friends, 3 of them to be exact. Let me introduce y'all to Lint, Other Kitty, and Greg Oden.



Say hello to Lint! Can you guess why his name is Lint? Lint was adopted from the Humane Society about 4 years ago, but shh don't tell him. He is quite independent and is not much of a people person, which makes our relationship very strained at times when he simply won't pay any attention to me. Hell getting him to pose for this photo took hours and the promise being left alone for the rest of the night. He is very furry and pretty ginormous. His girth impresses many visitors. Lint also has no balls.




Say hello to Other Kitty! Other Kitty came to us through a miracle of God. She followed my sister back to the car from taking some nature pictures at an Indian mound back in the fall. She was never given a proper name and now enjoys the uniqueness of being named Other Kitty. Other Kitty's personality is the exact opposite of Lint. She is just like a typical woman requiring tons of attention and getting her feelings hurt when you don't feel like cuddling. My sister refused to let Other Kitty out of the house for a very long time sheltering her from real life, but as Other Kitty blossomed into a young woman, she began to experience strange feelings and her hormones were raging and she became rebellious (otherwise known as being "in heat" as she hadn't had her tubes tied). One cold evening as I returned home from the grocery store, Other Kitty bolted out the door and away from my grasp. I tried to lure her home with the promise of food, but she was too horny to lose sight of her goals. That evening in a sign of rebelliousness Other Kitty allowed a local boy from the wrong side of the tracks to have carnal knowledge of her. She is now pregnant (you may be able to see the belly in the picture). Other Kitty often sleeps in the bed with me, but I swear I ain't no baby's daddy. And remember Lint has no balls, so it isn't his, but he has promised to care for the children as his own since he lives with Other Kitty. I have tentatively brokered a deal with Maury Povich for Other Kitty to find out who her babies' daddy is on his first pet DNA testing episode titled "I Was Gang Banged By 10 Kittie, But I Know You Are My Babies' Daddy!!"

Finally, say hello to Greg Oden! Greg and I became acquainted during my all too brief Portland stay. He was my only friend willing to ride cross country to MS with me when I made the decision to go into the mini storage tycooning business. Greg and I often shoot hoops in the backyard. We play h-o-r-s-e with a no dunk rule. He still usually wins, but I never thought of myself as much of a scorer, instead as a tweener with PF rebounding skillz and PG passing skillz. Unfortunately my dribbling skills aren't that sweet either. Greg and I often discuss life, he talks about the disappointment in missing his rookie season with microfracture surgery, and I know how he feels as I was struggling with my inability to find work as an attorney. We really bonded. We are both in a better place now though, as Greg can see the light of next season's start and I am content to be a mini storage tycoon.

In the legal world there exists a Code of Ethics governing the actions of attorneys everywhere. While mini storage tycoons do not have a written code of ethics, there is an unspoken code of ethics that combines average mini storage workers ethics and general tycoon ethics. I have a dilemma. Today a young lady entered the mini storage and caught my fancy. Unfortunately she was not into small talk and simply wanted to pay her rent and leave. Being a tycoon and all, I often have to watch for gold digging women. I am tired of the womanizing and bachelorhood that accompanies young tycoons who fill their time with woman just wanting a some free drinks and to sleep in a spacious bedroom with Mississippi State borderpaper. Would it be a mini storage tycoon be violating his ethical code by snaking the lady's phone number from her mini storage file and calling her up? Vote here!

And now loyal followers, here is a once in a lifetime opportunity!! It's a Tycoontest where 1 lucky follower will be able to switch lives with me, The Tycoon, for a week (or a month or however long you wish). To enter the Tycoontest, write why you want to experience the life of a tycoon in 100 words or less in the comments section. I will accept entries for 1 week before naming a winner. The winner will be able to switch lives with me, The Tycoon, for at least 1 week. During our switch-a-roo, you will do everything in my life, including playing h-o-r-s-e with Oden, feeding Lint, and cuddling with Other Kitty, while I do everything in your life. That does include paying student loa...er, bills that become due during the switch. So get your entries in and don't miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime!! Enter the Tycoontest!!

Oh, and before I go, to my California followers, for $200 and a free weekend, you can legally learn how to grow you very own marijuana! Classes are booked until May, but I think it'd be worth the wait.

In honor of my Starkvegas friends, I leave you with LCD Soundsystem "All My Friends".




Godspeed to all you bar retakers. I had an entire motivational blogging idea I was gonna post yesterday, but due to the great telephone line outage of 2/25/08 I was unable to get you all properly ready. I hope you all pass and are less successful than me at being an unemployed lawyer. But should you wish, I will be more than happy to guide you in the ways of The Tycoon.

The Tycoon

The Tycoon's Philanthropic Revelation

So last night I posted a discussion on tittie money. Contrary to popular belief, tittie money is not related to strippers, but is rather the money that overweight female renters pull from their bras directly in the view of the local mini storage tycoon. So long as the weather is nippy, as it was yesterday, tittie money is OK, but once the temperatures rise, tittie money becomes tough to stomach for even the greedy tycoon. If you were a big enough loser to be anxiously awaiting a late night post (around 12:30 am CST) on a Friday night, then you might have caught my original tittie money post before I redacted it (I know of at least 1 loyal follower who was waiting...that's you Sco...er, Fruit Bowl). I spent the wee hours of Saturday morning tossing and turning pondering the origination of tittie money and why women felt the need to carry their money snuggled warmly against their breasts. I began to realize that the problem was the women had no pants with pockets, no shirts with pockets, no jackets with pockets, and no purses. Upon my revelation I felt a sting of guilt, arising from the bed to withdraw my initial tittie money post and to step back and figure out a way to help these people. This evening it hit me: use the blog to bring awareness to the problem of tittie money and to rectify this problem plaguing overweight female renters everywhere. Loyal followers, I, The Tycoon, ask you to donate any extra pants (WITH POCKETS!), shirts (WITH POCKETS!), jackets (WITH POCKETS!), or purses to these women afflicted with the tittie money disease. You may send your donations to me at:

The Mini Storage c/o The Tycoon
The Tittie Money Fund
801 Reed Rd.
Starkville, MS 39759.

Remember that these women afflicted with tittie money are overweight, so please keep your clothes in the XXL or larger range (or whatever the corresponding size is in those confusing women's sizes that men don't understand). For donating, you will receive your very own shout out on The Tycoon's blog, a card acknowledging you as a member of The Tittie Money Awareness Group, a tax receipt, and the warmth in your heart knowing that you too have prevented another case of tittie money. Some tycoons want to feed Somalians, some tycoons want to help house Katrina victims, well this Tycoon wants to end Tittie Money Disease and you can help it happen.

**Edit: Several of you quickly responded asking how I planned to identify those in need. Well, quite simply I plan to watch them reach elbow deep into the neck of their shirts and withdraw cold hard cash, at which point I will kindly force them to take an item donated to the foundation. I am even in the process setting up the operation so that you will receive a photo of your Tittie Money sufferer and monthly updates regarding the progression of this disease so that you can follow along with their recovery and fight for a normal life.**

The Tycoon sends a big shout out to Ben Hansbrough who single handedly prevented The Tycoon from putting his hand through a TV earlier this evening by hitting 3 FTs with 1 second left to send the Mississippi State-South Carolina game into OT. I had MSU -2, otherwise I could have cared less who won or loss. But I hate losing a bet. You should see me play Blackjack.

And tonight loyal followers, I leave y'all with some clarification of a term I used. You may have noticed that I referred to one of my loyal followers (your peer) as Fruit Bowl. Well, I am currently trying to give all Tycoonists (that's you) nicknames. His is Fruit Bowl. To understand why, it might be best to just read the definition of a Fruit Bowl. Use your imagination.

Finally, as The Tycoon sits at home along on a Saturday night, thank God for Japanese TV. Unfortunately for me, the tycooning business can be a lonely business, as long hours and dedication to the job are a must to become a successful tycoon. This video is not proper for you working followers.



Until Next Time,
The Tycoon

This Post Has Been Removed for Revamping

Sorry to disappoint my loyal followers, but tonight's blogging just was not up to The Tycoon's standards. I will be back to redeem myself soon. In the meantime enjoy this video:





Rob you know how that poor guy feels.

Injuries, Adversity, and Exercising Your 2nd Amendment Rights

Today was a relatively slow day in the life of The Tycoon, and I still have plenty to write about. That should tell you all you need to know about the world of a mini storage tycoon. First of all the day started with me obtaining my first mini storage-related injury. I was expertly going through some storage leases when I briefly lost concentration and stabbed the end of a staple into the middle finger of my left hand. I was able to extract the end of the staple through the entry wound without causing too much more damage, but it hurt like shit and I was across town from my 1st aid kit and the hospital was even further away. So what did I do? I did what any dedicated mini storage tycoon would do, I wrapped that bitch in a paper towel (which quickly soaked through with blood) and soldiered on. I am currently typing tonight's post without the use of my left middle finger, so please excuse any typos. I am pretty embarrassed I allowed such an amateur slip up to occur. On the brightside, it does appear that my finger will be saved and should be back to 100% in time for tomorrow's workday.

Around lunch storms hit the Starkville metro area, and upon arriving at the office post-lunch, I was faced with the prospects of a non-working office phone. Normal human beings would cripple under such adversity in light of the morning injury, but not a true tycoon like myself. I calmly gathered my thoughts, pulled out my cell phone, and called the phone company. They informed me that they were already working on the problem and to hold tight. The phone was not fixed by closing time, but that's OK because I proved to myself that I could handle adversity with the best of them. I am The Mini Storage Tycoon.

Last night after blogging, I was sitting at home watching TV and was amazed by what I saw: THE BACK-UP.



Loyal readers, I know half of you are west coast hippies, but I encourage you all to exercise you 2nd Amendment right to sleep next to a loaded shotgun! I can't help but imagine hilarity in trailer parks everywhere as The Back-Up becomes a national phenomenon. Imagine:

It's dark as the camera pans over the outside of a house trailer. Now we are in a darkened bedroom.

A woman rolls over in bed pulling the covers with her, leaving her man exposed to the elements. After a couple of minutes, the draftiness of the house trailer causes the man to stir and he awakens to find his woman nice and toasty and deep asleep. He pulls at the covers.

Man (whispering): "Darlene Sue! Darlene Sue! Give me some of the covers!"

Woman (mumbling): "Huh? Sure honey."

Woman fails to release the man's share of the covers.

We hear the distinctive sound of a pump-action shotgun being cocked and loaded.

Man: "$%#dammit Darlene Sue! For the last time give me back my covers!"

I am excited about The Back-Up if you can't tell. In fact, Alex, if The Back-Up had been a national craze last summer, you and Robyn would have each gotten your very own The Back-Up as a wedding gift. Y'all could probably actually use them in Memphis.

Moving on, some of you loyal readers might not remember that I am an official lawyer and shit, but choose to enter the mini storage tycoon business. Well I enjoy keeping abreast of developments involving my former lawyer peers. Loyal readers, meet Scott Meece. He is a former Tennessee and Louisiana lawyer who decided to switch careers and enter the exciting field of BANK ROBBING! While I would like to think that Meece voluntarily switched careers, the evidence indicates that his hand was forced when he was fired from his 5th firm since 2004 recently, one of which paid him $90,000. Why did he got the boot you may ask? Well for a variety of reasons ranging from fraud to porno on the work computer to general slackassness. I just have 1 question: HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GUY GET HIRED AND FIRED BY 5 FUCKING FIRMS SINCE 2004, AT LEAST ONE OF WHICH WAS PAYING HIM $90k/YEAR, WHILE I CAN'T EVEN GET A FIRM TO NIBBLE ON MY BAIT?!?! Sorry readers for losing it momentarily, I am quite content progressing my life as a mini storage tycoon.

Speaking of which, my horoscope today states that something I've worked hard for is about to pay off, so I figure that must mean I am about to win the lottery! Hooray! And 2nd, my horoscope siad that I'm "hugely charming tonight". I may have to venture out into the Starkville nightlife and see if it's true. Unless some of my female loyal readers would like to let me know how charming I am tonight and save me the trouble of leaving the house. Either way, I need to know the validity of the charming part of the horoscope so that I know whether to rely on me winning the lottery soon, so please ladies, leave a comment ASAP, Starkvegas bars close at midnight on a Thursday night.

Finally, I am frantically seeking out a full length recording of these kids singing Poison's "Nothing But A Good Time". Whoever can direct me to or provide me with a full length version will share in my future lottery winnings. Thanks.



Until next time,
The Tycoon

A VISIT FROM THE MINI STORAGE FAIRY!! :)

Today was an exciting day for The Tycoon, as I was visited by the Mini Storage Fairy last night! Who you are probably asking, well the Mini Storage Fairy is in the mold of Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, except for only mini storage tycoons. Good mini storage tycoons are left with gifts of quality cheap furniture or perhaps some sweet VHS movies, and maybe if you are really lucky a TV circa 1988 model. Bad mini storage tycoons are left broken glass in the drive way, shitty cheap furniture, and when they are really bad, a mildewed mattress. Well loyal readers, I have apparently been a very good mini storage tycoon :). I was left a garbage bag full of old nerf guns! It was as if Santa himself had left his large bag of Christmas toys for me in the driveway. Granted several of the guns were broken, and the accompanying projectile was only present for 1 of the guns, but what do you expect? It is only the Mini Storage Fairy afterall, and in my experience, a bag of nerf guns is as good as it gets. I was able to spend part of my day shooting a golf ball sized nerf ball across the office at little targets I set up. I attribute my unexpected visit as a reward for allowing the mentally ill, homeless, money-less, hungry black woman retrieve canned goods from her past due mini storage unit as discussed previously. Moral of the story: treat your mini storage renters with the type of respect you would want to be treated with, and the Mini Storage Fairy will smile upon you.

Moving on, MISSISSIPPI SEX TOY BAN MAY NOW BE POWERLESS!! The 5th Circuit US Court of Appeals has ruled a Texas law banning the sale of sex toys as being unconstitutional. MS, AL, and VA are the only other states with a similar law in place, but those laws are now in jeopardy of becoming obsolete. I knew in my great move south that something was different, I just couldn't put my finger on it, but now I know it was simply the opportunity to buy a double ended dildo at my fancy! Though, I must say, if this law has been in place, how does Fantasyland (famously located on HWY 69 south of Columbus) exist? It has been many years since my 1 and only visit into MS's best known sex store, but I am pretty sure sex toys were present? Any of my southern readers care to verify? Scott, I know you were there with me, because you bought Josh that jacking off wind up monkey. (Btw, that was your shout out for unscrambling "cbmela"). As for the 5th Cir opinion, there is a quote that is sure to go down in con law textbooks forever: "An individual who wants to legally use a safe sexual device during private intimate moments alone or with another is unable to legally purchase a device in Texas, which heavily burdens a constitutional right". It's nice to know that playing with yourself is protected by the Constitution.

In other news, I am sure everyone has heard about the Northern Illinois shootings. Well, here is why some people need to have their right to having opinions taken away. Kerry Hunt of Starkville (yeah I know) rants and raves that allowing students to carry guns on campus would prevent tragedies like va tech and niu. Are you a complete moron Kerry, or do you simply just love your guns and felt like talking out your ass? 1) Even a well trained gun owner would probably be more likely to shoot a classmate instead of the actually shooter when they are sitting in class half-assed listening to a lecture on how the kidneys function in the human body. I really doubt a student to have the quickness and wherewithal to whip out his glock and blow off a dude's head from across a lecture hall prior to him getting any shots off. 2) The threat of running into students carrying guns wouldn't deter these psychos, as they committed suicide anyway. 3) How many college students want to walk around with a holstered handgun all day, talk about a pussy magnet. 4) How many deaths would result from testosterone loaded frat guys arguing about something dumb like your frat being "gay", and ending with a double homicide in the hallway? I really don't understand how some opinions are ever taken seriously. These potential gun-toting heroes aren't professionally trained military sharpshooters who have experience making accurate shots with a handgun while avoiding fire themselves, they are some 20 year old kid who thinks because he can shoot a deer or duck, he could whip out his glock and cap a motherfucker while the guy is unloading shotgun blasts on the crowd.

Finally, I am going to discuss my disappointment in lookalike week on The Family Feud. It started out promising with Elvis, Bono, George W, Howard Stern, and Johnny Depp representing the men, and Dolly Parton, Whoopi Goldberg, Paris Hilton, Marilyn Monroe, and Angelina Jolie representing the women. I didn't expect these to be the best Family Feuders ever, but these people are bad. Category: "Funniest Eddie Murphy Movie" AND NO ONE EVEN ANSWERED THE NUTTY PROFESSOR OR BEVERLY HILL COP! The worst part about this Family Feud idea? The losers get to stay on and come back again the next day...talk about a miserable week to be watching the Feud. You would think that they would have at least found 5 teams of lookalikes and the losers would have went back to LA to stand on street corners, but no, loyal viewers like myself are stuck watching the same debacle day after day. The guy team leads the week 2-1, I'll update for you real working types as the week goes on.

Oh, and I feel as though I must give a quick shout out for Dual Action Cleanse to clean your colon. Like the infomercial on TV from 9-9:30 every morning says, "Don't let years of toxic buildup weigh you down, try Dual Action Cleanse and enjoy a new lighter you!" I'm sold.

A happy birthday to AA. The Starkville AA celebrate their birthday every 3rd Sunday on the month, which got me thinking. I am going to celebrate my birthday every month too, so each month on the 12th I expect to hear birthday cheers from all of you. Start thinking about some party ideas cause March 12 is coming soon!

For everyone who ever had to do one of those lame "science" projects in elementary. I can't decide my favorite, it's between "Crystal Meth: Friend or Foe?" and "Drop It Like It's Hot".

And I leave y'all with the best song ever written about rabbits: Animal Collective "Who Could Win A Rabbit"

Hello, I Am The Tycoon

While growing up, I never pictured myself becoming a Mini Storage Tycoon, but apparently God had different ideas...or I really pissed him off at some point. Either way, I have now taken my engineering and law degree and my bar membership and turned them into an efficient payment taking, late bill sending, locking out, unit sweeping, receipt writing machine. I am even beginning to find joy in my unexpected career path, such as having every 3rd week off, watching game shows in the morning, and watching DVDs and Maury in the afternoon. And nothing beats being able to foreclose on a poor black single mom's mini storage unit and sell their lifelong belongings for a fraction of the money owed on the mini storage unit.

Here's a story from yesterday. Middle aged black woman comes into the office, she is several months late, but has an elaborate story about being in the hospital for mental illness and through that process is now homeless and has no food. She says she'll be in to pay the rent up at the end of the month, but all renters behind on payment always claim that, and rarely do they follow through. But I digress, this is a story about a mentally ill homeless black mini storage renter, not about the general nature of delinquent renters. Anyway, so this woman is homeless and hungry and locked out of her unit, and she was claiming that she had a bag of canned goods in her unit that she needed to get so that she could eat for the rest of the month. I agreed to let her in to get her canned goods, but that was all. For a brief moment, I thought she was gonna kiss me or something and I feared for my health, but she settled for a handshake. It is yet to be seen whether she somehow comes up with the $100+ she needs to get her stuff out of her unit.

On another note, I had a pretty cute black chick come in to pay her rent this morning. She also changed her name on the unit to her original last name cause she was "leaving her old man". Immediately I was somewhat intrigued, and even more so when she initiated a conversation regarding the Price Is Right and Drew Carey's handling of the host duties from the incomparable Bob Barker. We both agreed it wasn't the same, mostly because of Drew's strange little high pitch giggle that he let's loose around 428 times per show...he sounds like a drunk 12 year old Asian girl (one in particular I can think of). Back to the story, the sparks were flying, and I was regretting having missed out on landing a pair of Snoop Dogg tickets for tonight's show at Rick's. I almost asked her if she was going on the off chance that she might have an extra since she had just left "her old man", but I pussed out and let her slip out the mini storage door and out of my grasp forever. I bet she is currently getting low to a little gin and juice while I sit here telling my story and drinking a 40. Life in Starkville is good. Maybe I will walk to Rick's and wait for her to leave the show...

I can't wait to inherit my share of the mini storages and begin expanding my empire. I think I'll start in Memphis.

Before I leave my loyal readers for the evening, I am in the process of filing a copyright on "Mini Storage Tycoon" - remember I am a lawyer, so I know how to do that shit - and I am currently developing a Roller Coaster Tycoon-type game and looking for a distributor. In the game the tycoon (that would be you) would balance the books in maintaining high quality mini storage facilities. You will run into problems such as renters storing food in their unit leading to mice and rats (can you budget correctly to provide the right amount of rat poison?), confusing renters who claim they have paid when they damn well know they haven't, white trash using their units as their private meth lab (can you figure out which unit emits the funny smell before losing the building to an explosion?), renters driving moving trucks when they have no experience driving anything larger than VW Bug (WATCH OUT FOR THE FENCE! *bang* WATCH OUT FOR THE CORNER OF THE BUILDING! *crash*), and tornadoes dropping mobile homes (ok trailers) on the back end of your mini storage (yes this really happened), amongst many other exciting adventures.

So this is my life. I will try to update daily, with stories, observations, links, and music recommendations for my readers (and I know Britton will appreciate not having an inbox full of great e-mails since he is still learning how to use the delete function on his new technologically advance laptop).

The most accurate depiction of the WNBA ever!


The best song that Beck should have officially released years ago (nevermind the video, i just couldn't find a good stream of it).