New Music and Not Much Else

Life is going OK now. We all know blogs about happy people kinda suck. Here's some music. I'll be bitter and angry again soon enough.

Tycoon Tunes: Scintillating Songs of 2006, Vol. 1
http://www.mediafire.com/?mamzqjnzyno

1. The Fiery Furnaces - Benton Harbor Blues
2. Ghostface Killah - The Champ
3. Clipse - Chinese New Year
4. Scissor Sisters - I Don't Fell Like Dancin'
5. The Legends - Heart
6. Yo La Tengo - Mr. Tough
7. The Flaming Lips - Free Radicals
8. The Black Neon - Ralph & Barbara
9. Visioneers - Ike's Mood I
10. Curse ov Dialect - Forger
11. Boris w/ Michio Kurihara - Rainbow
12. Tunng - Woodcat
13. William Elliott Whitmore - Dry
14. Six Organ of Admittance - Black Wall
15. Valet - Blood Is Clean
16. Liars - Let's Not Wrestle Mt. Heart Attack
17. TV on the Radio - Playhouses
18. TV on the Radio - Wold Like Me

Tycoon Tunes: Scintillating Songs of 2006, Vol. 2
http://www.mediafire.com/?mkzy4gg1vlj

1. Johnny Cash - God' Gonna Cut You Down
2. Juana Molina - La Verdad
3. Pavement - False Skorpion
4. Yo La Tengo - Pass the Hatchet, I Think I'm Goodkind
5. Teddybears - Punkrocker
6. The Knife - We Share Out Mother's Health
7. Hot Chip - Boys From School
8. Fujiya & Miyagi - Ankle Injuries
9. Animal Collective - People
10. Aa - Good Ship
11. Ol' Dirty Bastard featuring Missy Elliot - Lift Ya Skirt
12. Ghostface Killah featuring Raekwon - Kilo
13. Thom Yorke - Harrowdown Hill
14. Subtle - Midas Gutz
15. Swan Lake - All Fires
16. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Cheated Hearts
17. Belle & Sebastian - Sukie in the Graveyard
18. Drive-By Truckers - A World of Hurt

Tycoon Tunes: Scintillating Songs of 2006, Vol. 3
http://www.mediafire.com/?wzontggddey

1. Sunset Rubdown - Stadiums and Shrines II
2. Frightened Rabbit - Music Now
3. Boris w/ Michio Kurihara - Rafflesia
4. Sigur Rós - Hafsól
5. Howlin' Rain - Calling Lightning with a Scythe
6. Pavement - Kris Kraft
7. Drive-By Truckers - Aftermath USA
8. Califone - A Chinese Actor
9. Hot Chip - The Warning
10. The High Violets - Cool Green
11. The Knife - Silent Shout
12. Ghostface Killah featuring Cappadonna, Shawn Wigs & Trife - Jellyfish
13. Yo La Tengo - The Room Got Heavy
14. Beirut - Postcards From Italy
15. Swan Lake - Are You Simming In Her Pools?
16. Benoît Pioulard - Ash into the Sky
17. The Fiery Furnaces - Benton Harbor Blues Again

Success

–noun

1.	the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors.

2.	the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.

3.	a successful performance or achievement: The play was an instant success.

4.	a person or thing that is successful: She was a great success on the talk show.

5. the opposite of The Tycoon

The rumors are true Loyal Followers, The Tycoon is unemployed (again). The mini storages have been bought out and I was deemed unworthy of continued employment. Perhaps it was my incessant desire (need?) to watch my favorite porn movies* on my computer everyday. Or maybe it was my failed attempts to woo mini storage renters into entering a personal relationship with me. But probably it was due to the fact that I just didn't care about showing up until 15 minutes late everyday. I think they could tell my love for mini storaging was waning as the economy was making it apparent a worldwide domination was further away than I was willing to wait. But seriously. I was laid off from mini storages. Does life get any lower?

*Don't judge me. It's an addiction. If I was employed, I'd be joining David Duchovny in rehab for my addiction. Though I must admit when I heard he was going to rehad for a "sex addiction" I was pretty disappointed it was because he liked porn. Being that he's a famous actor and used to bang Scully behind the scenes on the X-Files, I was hoping that his addiction would be something much more exotic than porn. Anyone can be addicted to porn. Only famous men can actually have enough random sex that it qualifies as an "addiction". Yet David seems to not even be using him famous man powers, instead just sneaking out of bed to watch some late night porn on the computer like any other common guy. Bummer.

Monday I will venture to Starkville's unemployment office to see if I qualify. I hope Obama wins the election, cause all they keep telling me he'll be on the corner with a stack of $100s so that I won't have to work!! Keep your fingers crossed for The Tycoon as he aimlessly wanders through life searching for all the right answers.

Dear Lint,

I am sorry about referring to you as an "asshole" in my last post. I meant it as a term of endearment, not that I thought you were actually one. I am sorry about that time I called you fat. I know you were just big boned and had a lot of fur. I am sorry about the time I caught you and Other Kitty making love and embarrassed you. But most of all, I am sorry I never told you I loved you.

There is an empty shoebox in my heart and by the foot of my bed waiting for you to return. It's lonely being at home now with Other Kitty and Bobblehead Greg Oden as my only remaining friends. I need you.

Love,
The Tycoon

Loyal followers, we will be holding a candlelight vigil on the MSU drill field Friday September 18, 2008, at 9 pm. Please come out and show your support for Lint's return.

And because I said I'd provide them...say "hello" to the initial installment of Tycoon Tunes. The files are all 128 AAC for optimal iPod/iTunes compatibility. If you want to bitch about less than optimal quality: "fuck you". Also, each tracklisting has been carefully crafted to maximize listening experience.

Tycoon Tunes: Jamming Beats from 2007, Vol. 1

http://www.mediafire.com/?wtjyxguiu0m

1. Panda Bear - Comfy in Nautica
2. Justice - D.A.N.C.E.
3. No Age - Everybody's Down
4. Devo - Watch Us Work It
5. Au - Boute <~~~ sweet Portland band for those of you West Coasters to peep
6. Phosphorescent - Wolves
7. Ryan Adams & the Cardinals - If I Am a Stranger
8. King Khan & the Shrines - Welfare Bread
9. LCD Soundsystem - North American Scum
10. Busdriver - Casting Agents and Cowgirls
11. C Rayz Walz & Sharkey - Electric Avenue
12. Les Savy Fav - Patty Lee
13. Animal Collective - For Reverand Green
14. A Place to Bury Strangers - Missing You
15. Radiohead - Reckoner
16. Ultra Orange & Emmanuelle - Don't Kiss Me Goodbye
17. Handsome Furs - Dead + Rural
18. Ulrich Schnauss - A Song About Hope

Tycoon Tunes: Jamming Beats from 2007, Vol. 2

http://www.mediafire.com/?d1mtol5jggo

1. Jens Lekman - And I Remember Every Kiss
2. Avey Tare & Kira Brekken - Lay Lay Off, Fosalem
3. Au Revoir Simone - Night Majestic
4. Amon Tobin - Esther's
5. Dälek - Paragraphs Relentless
6. Boris with Merzbow - Pink (live)
7. Psychedelic Horseshit - Nothing Is Revealed <~~~~~~~~ best band name ever
8. Times New Viking - Hiding in Machines
9. Carsick Cars - Zhong Nan Hai <~~~~~~~~~~ best Chinese band on the planet
10. Sonic Youth - I'm Not There
11. Liars - Pure Unevil
12. Animal Collective - Fireworks
13. Ryan Adams - Everybody Knows
14. Samamidon - Little Satchel
15. Tinariwen - Matadjem Yinmixan
16. The Fiery Furnaces - Clear Signal from Cairo
17. Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings - Answer Me
18. Okkervil River - Title Track

Tycoon Tunes: Jamming Beats from 2007, Vol. 3

http://www.mediafire.com/?d2nntnndjuf

1. No Age - Every Artist Needs a Tragedy
2. Of Montreal - Suffer for Fashion
3. Wooden Shjips - We Ask You To Ride <~~~~~~ yes the band name is spelled right
4. Chromeo - Tenderoni
5. Liars - Houseclouds
6. Panda Bear - Take Pills
7. Architecture in Helsinki - Hold Me
8. Björk - Innocence
9. Jens Lekman - A Postcard To Nina <~~~~~ this song = \m/
10. The Wombats - Lost in the Post
11. Los Campesinos! - You! Me! Dancing! <~~~~~~ really does make you want to dance
12. Black Diamond Heavies - White Bitch
13. Radiohead - Bangers & Mash
14. Arcade Fire - (Antichrist Television Blues)
15. Farah - Law of Life <~~~~~~~ my jam
16. Electrelance - Five
17. Antony & The Johnsons - Knockin' on Heaven's Door <~~~~~~ this version of this song would make Jesus cry...seriously.

Leave ratings for my Tycoon Tunes in the comments. Just remember to go easy on me, having a better music taste than you is all I got.

Come home Lint.

The Tycoon

An APB For Lint!!

Loyal followers! I have a dire situation! Lint has disappeared! No seriously, I haven't seen him since late Sunday/early Monday. I am putting together a search team to scour the neighborhood tonight. Please report to my house ASAP if you can participate. And if you want to look for Lint solo, he is often aloof and indifferent and quite frankly a bit of an asshole. In other words, most chicks would find him attractive, so if you see a lot of hot pussies hanging around, Lint is probably there pimping. Here is a recent photo of Lint:



In other news, I have gotten behind on my renewed blogging due to my participation in an online NCAA 2009 XBOX 360 Dynasty with 3 other loser...i mean gamers. Among them: James Taylor (yes, that James Taylor):



Brad Miller (yes, that Brad Miller):


nice rows Brad.

And Cullen.

Little does anyone know that I have battled through over half this season with not 1, but 2 severe paper cuts to my thumbs. At times I have had to use my big toes amongst other body parts on the joysticks due to my thumbs being in such agony. Despite these injuries and setbacks, I have managed to finish the season with the North Carolina Tar Heels 7-5, better than the the pre-seasons top 25 Wake Forest Demon Deacons Piloted by Brad Miller. Not once did I complain about my injuries, even when pressured by James Taylor, Brad Miller, and Cullen to get in my game, because when it comes down to it, football players are tough and so are their leaders.

Finally, I know I said I have some mixtapes coming, and I really do, but my external hard drive is PMSing, so we gotta get her in order.

The Tycoon

::sigh:: I Am Tiring Of The Mini Storage

Loyal Followers, I have a confession. I am growing increasingly annoyed and tired of the Mini Storages. Whether it be the incoherent babble of renters ("What's your last name?" "Smfph" "Excuse me?" "Smfph" "Is that SMITH?"), repeated ignorant phone call conversations with potential renters ("What size do you need?" "I don't know" "Well, how much stuff you got?" "I don't know, couple boxes and a tv" "So you don't need a big one then?"), or the prevalence goodies the Mini Storage Fairy has felt necessary to gift me ("Sweet, another broken mirror in the drive way!"). Why can't I spend an afternoon casually glancing at patent bar notes, setting records on expert level minesweeper, and fighting cancer? Is that too much to ask? Why do you need a receipt when you write a check?

Quick, pick a number between 1 and 25, leave your choice in the comments. I'll get back to you with what it means.

So to break the monotony the Tycoon is going to begin making mixes of his favorite songs. Each mix is going to be broken up by years and be 1-2 discs worth of material. I will upload the albums to www.mediafire.com in rar format. What you need to do is download the trial version of WinRar. Whenever they ask if you want to register it, just click "Close" and the box goes away. When you download a Tycoon Mix, WinRar should automatically open. Just highlight (click once) on the file, then click the "Extract" option on the tool bar. You can then pick the folder you want to extract the folder into. Upload into iTunes and \m/. I will continue this as long as I got quality stuff to upload, or until the RIAA throws me in jail and takes all my money and assets (HAHA), or Ghostface Killah puts a bullet in my face for uploading his music.

I am doing this for the primary reason of putting on my music snobbiness on display. But don't judge me, just realize it's really all I got to hold on to that makes me feel better than you. Throw me a bone and tell me about how that techno-ambient-downtempo 30 minute track from 1978 is the greatest thing you've ever heard.

The Tycoon

Other Kitty: The Cock Blocker

In a disturbing trend, Other Kitty has begun laying across the keyboard of my laptop. She sometimes also lays across it when it's closed. This is disturbing because I believe that Other Kitty has become jealous of my porn addiction, and she is trying to either (a) fuck up my computer by stepping/laying on as many buttons at once as possible, (b) keep me from accessing my go to site, (c) get my attention on her instead of my 2-dimensional beauties, or (d) some combo of the above. It's becoming a problem that needs to be remedied ASAP. This is a recent development in the last week or 2, but a quickly escalating point of contention in our owner-pet relationship. Though considering Other Kitty has experience living in the forest, she is hardly daunted by the threats of imprisonment in the local Human Society. I am really at a lost as to the best method of handling this tedious situation. I don't want to hurt Other Kitty.

The Tycoon needs to ponder this one for a while.

The Mini Storage Tycoon: Scamming Rent Since January 2008

I've been outed loyal followers. Today in an unfortunate turn of events yours truly was accused (rightfully?) of pilfering rent money from poor unsuspecting renters. Here's how the scam goes down:

1) Pick a renter who appears to be an idiot.
2) Convince them to pay for several months in cash.
3) Only indicate on the receipt that they paid for 1 month's rent.
4) If caught, profusely apologize and rewrite proper receipt, and find new target.
5) If not caught, pocket the cash that's over the amount of 1 month's rent.
6) Indicate in the files and in the deposit books that only 1 month's rent was paid, therefore giving you 3 pieces of evidence supporting your contention that said renter only paid 1 month's rent.
7) If necessary, deny deny deny!

Well, today I was caught. A tubby claims she paid for 2 months' rent at the end of June and should not be due until the end of August. Thankfully I have skillfully altered the records to show that she only paid for 1 month's rent. Y'all should have seen her. Tears. Yelling. Red faces. Oh, it was glorious. The entire scene was punctuated by her repeatedly saying she was gonna pay the bill, but she was "getting her shit and moving it elsewhere" and actually accusing me of "running a scam". Fuck yes bitch, I am running a scam, I got loans to pay off and you are worried about how much of your parents' money I skim off the top?

So one of the downsides to being in a small town is that you often get labeled as something. Sometimes it's flattering, sometimes not so much. I am officially "the storage guy" of Starkville now. Some of you might be "the whore" or "the asshole" or "the manslut" of your small town, but nothing compares to the pride I felt when I walked in the bar a few weeks ago, took about 3 steps, and heard "Hey! Your my storage guy!" Soon a totally awesome dude in a tight Affliction tshirt and a white flat-brimmed, oversized baseball hat is slapping me high 5s as I enter the bar. I felt like a rockstar. Ladies flocked to me wanted to learn more why a 26 year old with an engineering degree and a law degree would live at home and run mini storages. I regaled them with storied of my adventures before being denied a 3somes in my high school bedroom from a couple of hotties.

I'll be right back, I need a drink now.
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(That many drinks later)

So last night I was the recipient of possibly great news. I was informed that my sister's best friend and former roommate is helping assimilate the Korean exchange students at MSU and will be taking them out to parties and bars all weekend. I'm just pretty stoked that they will (hopefully) not realize the negative stigma attached to being 26 with an engineering degree, a law degree, and still living at home running mini storages. I may even be able to convince them that my empire expands beyonds Starkville's walls, that the house is all mine, and that the MSU border paper on the walls is there because I just really like MSU so I had it specially ordered in the finest Italian wallpapering. Good Lord, that would be sweet. I can convince them my dad is my butler, and that Lint is a rare breed of miniature panthers that naturally only exists in Honduras, and I have 1 of only 10 in domestic captivity. Thank God for broken English.

Loyal followers, that's what I got for you.
The Tycoon

One Of Those Days

Hot. Humid. Boring. Sad. Frustrating. Yeah, it was one of those days. And to think, things started off so well when at 9:30 I was unexpectedly treated to a NBA Stars v. NBA moms Family Feud. Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, Richard Jefferson, David Lee, Cuttino Mobley, and Grant Hill battle their mothers neck-and-neck and came out victorious. The best moment was Chris Bosh absolutely owning the Final Feud, only to almost have Dwight Howard blow it when he barely netted his necessary 36 points to reach the magical 200 needed. I mean, Dwight didn't even answer all 4 questions and only surpassed the 200 point plateau when his final answered question put him over. Moral of the story: go to college America. Just 1 year at Georgia Tech gave Chris the skills necessary to quickly think on his feet and demolish the Family Feud, while Dwight jumped straight to the NBA from high school and seemed lost and confused. Now I'm not saying a college degree (or a law degree for that matter) guarantees you a job, just that you will be able to think more quickly on your feet when faced with guessing the most popular answers among the 100 polled members of the public with $20,000 on the line.

Some of my long-time readers may remember "Tittie Money" from one of my early bloggings. Well today my worst nightmare was realized. 95 degrees. Humid as shit. Overweight black woman sweating. Yeah. I briefly thought about just offering to pay her rent for her and letting her keep her sweaty $20s, but then I came to my senses and realize that I don't have any money. After she left the office, I frantically searched for Lysol, but could only find insect killer. I doused my hands and then was just very careful to not start licking my fingers the rest of the day. I'm kinda feeling a little sickly to my stomach, but I'm gonna try to finish my blogging.

Today I may have missed out on my kindred spirit in this world. She came racing into the mini storage right at noon, catching me just before lunch. She asked if I was just working for the summer or what, and I briefly informed her that I was indefinitely employed but looking for a way to expand my empire, preferably to the West Coast. She then informed me that she too was in Starkville due to family reasons, but wanted to leave ASAP and preferably to the West Coast. This was when our eyes met and a spark was ignited. She is too "cosmopolitan" for Starkville. So she was 60 and stuck in Starkville with her dying husband, and counting down the days until he finally kicked the bucket and she could take off. Our goals were/are basically the exact same. And then she was gone, before I could even proposition her about becoming my Sugar Mama/ticket out of Starkville once her hubby passed. Now I am again left with the ever-present mini storage ethics question of whether I pull her number off her file and see if she's interested.

So while I was typing this a commercial came on for Hanes panties. It closed "Hanes for panties that won't ride up. Stay wedgie free with Hanes." No reason I just typed that except for that it struck me as humorous in the moment.

Desperately seeking a vacation,
The Tycoon

Signs I'm Not As Cool As You Think

I spend days mulling over possible fantasy baseball trades.
I work at a mini storage.
I sit on my bed for hours on end when not at the mini storage.
I actually have seriously considered writing a movie about the current state of my life.
I have convinced myself I could make it good.
I still plan on making a blog t-shirt.
I wonder if writers know something they've written kinda sucks, but they have to release it anyway.
I know when I've written a less than awesome blog entry.
I try to not publish unrealized blog ideas for fear of offending my loyal followers.
I haven't been able to put together a quality blog posting in over a week, and it actually is bothering me.
I haven't had anything exciting enough happen to me in over a week worth blogging about.
I am already counting down the days until "Pineapple Express" comes out (8/8/08 if you are wondering).
I spend hours perfecting my Netflix queue.
I haven't been to a concert since December 2007 :(
I look up songs that I like from TV shows and movies.
I think one of my 'dream' jobs would be to be the guy who helps picking out music for movies.
I can have my opinion of a movie swayed by a good use of music.
I think I could be better than half the people on "Last Comic Standing" with a little work on my delivery.
I have to resort to gimmicks in order to put together a blog posting.
I think "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" looks incredibly bad.
I watched the entire MTV Movie Awards tonight. Yes, the whole thing.
I am thinking of becoming a career student.
I still probably won't be able to get a real job.
I sometimes like to watch foreign movies without subtitles and guess at what they are saying.
I am already stockpiling Halloween costume ideas.
I sometimes play 6 Degrees of Separation with myself.
I have played Scategories twice in the past week.
I allow my self-confidence levels to be governed by the quality of my blog entries.
I think H3's are the biggest douchebag vehicles in the world...and it's not even close.
I am not gonna stop coming up with reasons I'm not as cool as you think until the video below is finished uploading, and that's a promise.
I think my creative juices have slowed to a crawl.
I am in need of a muse to restart my creative juices, but have no prospects.
I think Renee Zellweger looked damn good in her early movies, like "Love and a .45". What happened to her?
I think the video just finish uploading, notice the excellent use of music, especially M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" during the last minute or so.




Looking for my muse in Starkville,
The Tycoon

The Tycoon has been very busy lately and would like to apologize to those faithful followers eagerly awaiting a new post. One will be coming this weekend, he promises.

Signs Of Becoming A True Tycoon

Over the last couple of weeks, circumstances have led me to ponder my future as a tycoon. Attempts to expand my empire have failed miserably and left me doing some serious soul searching. I have asked God to show me a sign whether my future was in mini storage tycooning or utilizing my 7 years of higher education as a lawyer and engineer. Well God has shined down on me with a bevy of reasons to stick with tycooning.

First and foremost, this is my first blog posting from my "new" badass laptop. How did I come into possession of a year old Dell Inspiron 9300? Well, let's just say the Mini Storage Fairy was in an extra giving mood this week. And I'd also like to give partial thanks to Cedric abandoning his mini storage unit and effectively donating his computer to my cause. Yes I have a cause now. My cause is to reinitiate my expansion plans, this time focusing on the west coast instead of the mid-Atlantic region of the east coast. East coasters are kinda assholes anyway. So anyway, back to this laptop, it's all wide screened and shiz without any of the smudges gathered from 4 years of old laptop usage, which not only makes watching netflix online way more awesome, but it increases the enjoyment of my adult video watching. It's like going from watching porn on an old-school curved screen 20" TV to experiencing it on a brand new 50" plasma in HD. I can only assume assume that this computer was sent as the first of many gifts that the mini storage promises to bear should I stick with my tycooning plans. At the very minimal, it was an awfully enticing trap. As for now, I assume that God showered me with this gift to signal that mini storage tycooning was indeed my future and that my 7 years of education were irrelevant.

Secondly, I have accepted and adapted to a lack of social life. In fact, I prefer 94% of my 'human' interaction to be through text messaging, cell phone calls, and e-mails. I actually fear actual human contact. Yeah, I deal with accepting payments and signing leases, but I most prefer the hours of isolation free of renters. At first I craved human contact, especially on the weekends. Now I'd rather settle in with a couple of Netflix movies, Other Kitty, and some alcohol.

Finally, I have actually convinced myself I could write a movie script about a law educated guy who can't find a job and spends his days couch bouncing from friend to friend. There would be a serious of shenanigans of the main character going out and spending the night drinking water (no money) in the corner of the bar alone (no self-confidence) while his friends spent the night chasing ladies, and upon returning 'home' our lovable loser would sleep on a couch/air mattress while listening to his current host and his lady for the night. Just when things appeared to have hit rock bottom, our anti-hero would land a dream job, while karma exacted revenge on his tormentors. I think it'd work. That's obviously a very rough plot outline, but you can piece together what I'm getting at.

Anyone watching the NBA playoffs think that Sasha Vujacic looks like Aldous Snow from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"??





I keep watching Lakers' games and expecting Sasha to break out the air humping and start singing "We Got To Do Something" or "Inside You". By the way, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is pretty damn solid. You get to see Jason Segel's weiner (which has inspired me to write in a penis baring scene into my blossoming film project) and see a Dracula musical in action, which while sounds lame is actually kinda outstanding.




Doing Something,
The Tycoon

Vagina Dentata...Fact or Fiction?

So watching the movie "Teeth" earlier this week has me mortified of vaginas. I've been extensively researching online in search of any evidence of actual vagina dentata. Well guys, bad news, vagina dentata is alive and well...and MAN-made. Meet every man's biggest fear: RAPEX. I encourage all male readers to check before diving straight in next time, otherwise you'll experience an awkward visit to the emergency room to get the teeth surgically removed.

Upon this disturbing discovery, my first thought was "When would a woman actually use this?" I'd love to hear feedback from lady followers (all 2 of you). I mean, when does a woman anticipate rape enough that she is able to slip in the RAPEX device? Is it when you are at the bar and start to feel a little too hammered? Is it when you have that first date with the creepy guy you met and said you'd go out with while you were blacked in the wee hours of a saturday morning? Is it at all times? And my second question is, what happens if your fingers slip when putting in the RAPEX device? I can only assume if a finger slips in there, it treats the finger the same way as a weiner, which while not as important of an extremity, would still be very painful.

As for the movie "Teeth", the film just chews up the screen. Funny script, absurd and awesome plot, interesting psychological analysis, B-movie acting, and some of the best wiener decapitation scenes you'll ever see. Seriously, each one of them is uniquely awesome and hilarious and painful. Whether it be the first victim who bleeds to death, or the 2nd victim who has a smaller weiner and squirts blood all over his bed, or the 3rd victim (and step brother) whose weiner is eaten by his dog, "Teeth" never fails to deliver the goods. Overall, I give "Teeth" a solid A- rating and highly encourage any of you looking for something to watch to check it out.

This was an exciting week in my mini storage tycoon growth...my first foreclosure sales!!!!!!! Nothing hardens a tycoon's skin like having to stand up to renters who are $600 behind on their mini storage bills, when they are proposing that they just pay $100 today, and 'guarantee' they'll bring in the rest of their payment next week. It was a tremendous learning experience to judge which renters were being truthful and which ones were fibbing. Not to mention the excitement of waking up early on a Saturday morning and being at the mini storage to auction off units. Basically, I feel as though I am finally a true mini storage tycoon. I finally have a place is this cold, strange, unfair, demoralizing world.

Always checking with his finger first,
The Tycoon

Law Skillz in a Mini Storage World

So adaptation is a way of life, and today I spent my hours sitting by myself intermittently fielding phone calls and accepting rent payments and figuring out how to adapt my law skillz to my apparent destiny as a mini storage grunt.

Skill #1: Sitting all alone for hours on end.

Who would have thought all those hours sitting alone in the library would prepare me not for working diligently preparing a case for trial, but rather for actually sitting all alone in an office? Without 3 years of training, I'd already be certifiably insane.

Skill #2: Diligently preparing files.

After spending 3 years learning to be a perfectionist and fine-tuning everything in preparation for not misspelling our client's name on their pleading or something, I am now a machine when it comes to perfectly filling out lease agreements and rental files. Not once have I misspelled one of my clie...er...renters' names.

Skill #3: Dispute resolution.

While I didn't actually take a dispute resolution class in law school, it's a skill I'd like to think I picked up just by being in the building for 3 years. Just today perhaps the largest black man I've ever seen came into the office irate because of an error made by my uncle. Despite fearing that he'd eat me or possibly sit on my and smother me, I was able to diffuse the situation and convince him my uncle is an idiot and that he was wrong and I was sorry he was an idiot and wrong, but that's just the way he usually is.

Skill #4: Ethical behavior.

If there is anything stressed in law school, it's that our ethical behavior matters and we should alway be aware of how our behavior will be perceived by others. There have been many occasions where I was very tempted to woo a young lass who entered the mini storage, but I suppressed my hormones in order to maintain an air of professionalism.

Finally, today I spent writing bills instead of doing something constructive like applying for jobs, and low and behold I ran across a renter who is apparently in jail at the moment. It briefly flashed to mind that I could open up and mini storage/law joint venture, then I remembered all those ethics lessons. Bummer.

Oh, and guess what's coming from Netflix tomorrow???



That's right, TEETH. This is gonna be too awesome. Full review forthcoming.

Ashamed to have lost to Rob in fantasy baseball last week :(,
The Tycoon

The Value of a Law Degree?

"Stephen said...

so... is this when "the musings of a mini storage tycoon" officially jumped the shark?

it was a good ride w***..."

Well Stephen (if that's your real name), you want to know why I haven't been my usually sarcastic and bitterly funny self and resorted to posting the "Fuck You" article?

So it's recently been blatantly brought to my attention that law school might not have been one of the better decisions I've made. How the fuck the patent office rationalizes the stance of many of the supervisors saying that they prefer to hire people who don't have law degrees and then pay for them to go to law school at night baffles me. They are worried that after training or after a year, the law degree holding patent examiners will bolt. NEWSFLASH TO THE WORLD, THE LEGAL JOB MARKET RIGHT NOW IS FUCKING SHITTY. The patent office offers examiners the opportunity to sign a 4 year commitment in exchange for a significant signing bonus. When I stressed that I would willingly sign the commitment I am told that many people break their commitment and just forfeit back their signing bonus. Well fuck, how am I suppose to answer that? All I can do is tell them that I wouldn't do that.

So now I've spent the last week writing cover letters for non-law positions apologizing for my misjudgment in obtaining and law degree and subsequently passing the bar, and attempting to persuade them that I legitimately am interested in some kind of real career employment that doesn't require a law degree. On top of that, making $2000 a month at the mini storages won't exactly make living easy when I can no longer defer loans. Throw in the fact that every night I sit by myself in my room on the bed and stare at fantasy baseball stats until I fall asleep, my social outlets consist of being the 3rd wheel to my sister and her boyfriend, and I am becoming incredibly comfortable drinking by myself, and my life essentially blows. Not to mention the only people who hang around Starkville after college are the burnouts and idiots who never had much hope of getting out anyway, and that now includes me who really doesn't have the excuse that i'm only here temporarily since my best job prospect just told me I wasn't among the top 400 motherfuckers they are hiring for the year. My Starkville stay might as well be permanent. I have no career prospects on the horizon. The patent examiner job was my "light at the end of the tunnel" which allowed me to be bitter but humorous about it, now I am just straight bitter and angry. I can take a legal related job (if someone will give a "lawyer" a sub-lawyer position - i.e. legal assistant, paralegal) and hope that it turns into something, but surviving on $15/hour won't be fun with a full load of student loans. I can get some temporary gig doing document review and hope something plays out. But really, I don't have the money to pick up and move back to Portland and do something like that right now, especially if I have to take a chance on temp jobs. Every recruiter I speak with about engineering or law basically tell me the same story about how they have stacks upon stacks of very qualified people with years of working experience and that I can send them my stuff, but the chances of them finding me anything are slim to none. So yeah, fuck the world.

Anyone ever thought that maybe the ABA should limit the number of lawyers that enter schools? There are law schools out there with 300-500 students PER CLASS. That's ridiculous. What about hacking off the bottom 50 or so law schools in the country? You don't have med schools with average MCAT scores under 20, so why should you have law schools with entire student bodies with an average LSAT under 150? Wouldn't this solve a lot of the problems as far as job availability and turn around the recent trend of law students defaulting on loans? Wouldn't this bump up the pay for DAs and PDs? You have 100 people applying for a $36K/year job in the Portland DAs office. For someone with at least 7 years of higher education, that pay is revoltingly low. I know that master-level biomedical engineering students are extremely low-balled when they are offered $37K/year. I mean, does someone really want to go make $35K/year to be a DA in Pendleton, OR? Currently there are so many lawyers, that they know they can continually pay seriously low wages and still have out-of-work lawyers lined up out the door begging for the job. Is this what the ABA wants? Or do they want to reestablish the lawyer as a prestigious profession?

Shouldn't the state bars just toughen standards you say? Fuck no, at that point you already have X amount of students up to their eyeballs in student loan debt. At that point, it's too late. Now I would imagine that every student at a top 100 law school would still find a spot in a school somewhere, even if it's at a slightly lesser school, but wouldn't you much rather have reassess your life goals after undergrad when you are generally either (1) debt free or (2) have debt that pales in comparison to law school loan debt? It might hurt, but I know several people who spent several years taking and retaking the MCAT before they made high enough to get into a school. They were able to get over their initial rejection and either moved on or buckled down and studied harder to make better the next time around. When was the last time you heard of an out-of-work doctor who hadn't committed malpractice or committed a crime? When was the last time you heard of a doctor who made less than $75K-$80K/year (I don't have the actual stats, but I've never seen a doctor having to seriously pinch their pennies once they get finished with their residency, I mean, they may be distraught over having to 'settle' for their Mercedes instead of the Porsche) even if they work in BFE Eastern Oregon or the MS Delta? Is it to much to ask for the ABA to regulate the number of lawyers entering law school so that a graduating lawyer can feel relatively safe that (should they pass the bar) they'll find a job paying them $50K/year starting out? $40K? With the way non-legal employers run from a law graduate, it's the least the ABA could do. Hell, even law firms jobs seeking assistants run like hell from a law graduate.

And now let's ramble on about UO Law Career Services. What's their purpose? They have a booklet of resumes and cover letters you can look at, and they set out sheets for on-campus interview signups. You walk into the office seeking guidance and if you are outside the top 20% (hey, that's like 80% of the people you are supposed to be helping), they just say "it's gonna be tough, you just gotta get out there and apply". Wow, sage advice indeed. The top 20% are gonna get themselves hired with or without career services, unless they are social Neanderthals, career services should be judged by how many of the other 80% get hired. Why doesn't career services work like a recruiting agency? Is it too much for Jane or Merv to pick up a phone and call a former UO law student and say "hey, we have a current UO student here who is looking for a summer intern position in _________ law, think you might have some work for them?" Guaranteed that would establish a much stronger tie between past students and the school, not to mention it would be much more beneficial than just saying "we don't have a list of attorneys on file, but you can look them up online." Isn't your job to get people hired? Me sending a cover letter and a resume to someone who isn't planning on hiring any summer help isn't going to do anything, but you establishing a repertoire with them so that each year they are looking to work with some current UO law students is huge and beneficial. You are career services, your job is to get people jobs, yet all you do is work for the top 20% and leave the 80% who need your help the most to do the job on their own.

Now I get to go back to sitting in a mini storage office from 9-5 by myself watching day time television, and begging anyone and everyone with any kind of real job to give me a chance, while most people gawk in amazement at the lawyer who can't find any kind of relevant work (hey, we are a dime a dozen these days people). At least I now have a GRE to study for, if $37K/year for biomedical engineers with their masters is a low-ball offer, then maybe I can at least make more than the local DA when I get out. I just hope someone is willing to pay for my school this time around.

Anyone that has any experience dealing with bankruptcy want to advise me whether filing for bankruptcy or just defaulting on my loans would be more beneficial?

The Tycoon

I Feel Your Pain Buddy

I hate all of you

---

Date: 2008-04-20, 11:50PM EDT


I don't care what colour you are. I don't care where you're from. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care what class you are, how you dress, what you smoke or drink or who you know or whom you've fucked.

I hate you all. I hate every last living, breathing, snot and feces producing, promiscuously copulating, celebrity obsessed, opinionated one of you. From right here in Toronto right around the planet and back, coast to coast, nationwide and internationally. Every. Single. Last. One. Of. You.

Fuck love. Fuck your insipid grasping at some abstract concept of chemical imbalances and reasonless actions, fumbling around in the crowd trying to find some cinematic supposition for real human interaction. Fuck lust, too. Fuck you all, from the lowlife dirtbags that think dropping trou and waving the little soldier in a sloppy arc is a pick-up line to the sniveling of the desperate 'nice guys' who never get the girl due to a total lack of testosterone grown stones. Fuck you all, from the crazy, under dressed sluts that judge a persons character by the price of their shirt, right down to the fat, flabby chicks that think personality is enough.

Fuck you drivers, for thinking that a yellow light is a sign that says 'step on the gas'. Fuck you wheelmen and women that think it's okay to sit in a left hand turn in the middle of morning traffic, even though there is a protected left in the intersections before and after where you need to make your turn. Fuck you too cyclists - you're not exempt from the traffic laws just because your peddling, you miserable spandex covered neon reflective fucks. Fuck you too, pedestrians. Use the fucking crosswalk if you don't want to get hit, and use it before the little countdown clock says '3'. You don't have enough goddamn time to lope across four lanes of traffic.

Fuck you chick on your cellphone. Fuck you attitude packed minimum-wager that makes my coffee. Fuck you cops that spend all their time handing out speeding tickets. Fuck you douche bag doing ten over the limit in the passing lane on the highway. Fuck you lady using exact change at the counter at the grocery store. Fuck you kids having a conversation in the doorway. And fuck you also for not getting the fuck out of your designated handicapped seat when a pregnant or elderly person gets on the fucking bus.

Fuck taxes. Fuck welfare. Fuck the whole selfish, over politicized and party driven government system. I'm sick and fucking tired of policies and new laws with seven hundred bylaws that nobody but you and your cabinet reads. Fuck you councilors and your stupid 'district improvement' plans. Fuck you unions, for asking for so much and giving nothing more that what you already give. Fuck the whole process that allows people who are supposed to be working for us work for interests that only benefit the next campaign. Fuck your short-sightedness, your rush to the bandwagons, and your incessant arguing over fuck all. Fuck the parties, fuck the conventions, and fuck your campaigns. Do some real fucking work for a change.

Fuck you bottles of water. You're water. You're not worth two fucking dollars.
Fuck you trendsetters, fuck you fashionistas. Fuck your little dogs and and your idiotic outfits. Fuck your high heels in the snow. Fuck your five dollar coffees and your fifteen dollar veggie burgers. Fuck your health kick, your diet or your fucking new interest in kickboxing or sushi.

Fuck your culture. Fuck your race. Fuck your sense of entitlement. Fuck your sense of uniqueness. Fuck you all for the belief that you have something unique and interesting to contribute. Fuck you for filling the internet with your useless garbage. Fuck your blogs, your wikis, your forums. Fuck your name calling. And most of all, fuck whatever you believe. It's all wrong. Fuck it.

Fuck your complaints. Fuck your addictions. Fuck your dependencies. Fuck your pain. Fuck your tears. Fuck selling whatever it is you sell. Fuck your manipulation of others. Fuck movies. Fuck fucking. Fuck everything you own. Fuck your allergies. Fuck your stupid commons sense. Fuck your spelling and fuck your lack of education, or your ignorance, whatever is applicable.

I don't give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and just get on with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/649999147.html


My brother in misery. Stay strong bro.
The Tycoon

Q: How do you waste 3 years of your life and around $100,000?

A: The University of Oregon School of Law

Yes I am a little bitter.

The Birds and the Bees

I have big news, but it must wait while I first relay this splendid story. So recently Other Kitty has been acting like she's ready to get back into the single kitty scene. Apparently she's looking to move on from her disastrous first litter of kittens. So this morning I am laying in bed enjoying some ESPN and some rest, and I hear a strange low moaning/meowing noise. Now Other Kitty likes to talk a lot and can make some weird sounds, but this was something I hadn't heard before. So I climb out of bed and walk into the living room only to find Lint and Other Kitty engaged in doggystyle sex in the middle of the living room floor! There was a brief moment where my eyes met all 4 of their eyes before Lint dismounted and frantically bolted towards the front door and began begging to be let out. I was flabbergasted, as I'd never seen cats humping, and Lint supposedly has no balls. And just like a woman, Other Kitty follows him over by the front door and begins rolling on the floor in a flirting manner, while Lint being the ball-less pimp womanizer he is ignores her and continues to beg to be let outside. After letting Lint out and gathering my thoughts, I couldn't decide if Lint was embarrassed to be caught with an obvious slutty kitty like Other Kitty, or if he and Other Kitty have an ongoing intimate relationship and was caught in the throws of passion, but he is now attempting to hide his emotion so as to maintain his air of indifference and coldness. I am going to be watching future interactions closely in hopes of getting to the bottom of the nature of their relationship. If you wondered what it looked like:



As you can tell from her facial impression, Lint is obviously not doing it for Other Kitty. Maybe it's the lack of balls?

And now for the big news...::drum roll::...THE MUSINGS OF A MINI STORAGE TYCOON HAS MADE GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See for yourself! Upon learning this, I literally nearly broke down in tears as I realized having finally made it. It's been a long hard climb from a blog that was read by only a handful of early supporters to a full-fledged national phenomenon. And that's before we even cover the US with t-shirts.

While browsing for opportunities to expand my empire on Craigslist, I found a job posting that seemed to be speaking directly to me!

The Heekin Law Firm seeks an associate attorney with an entrepreneurial spirit who wants to use legal expertise, professional judgment, client input, and electronic evidence and litigation management tools to solve business disputes and fraud-related claims. The ideal candidate has 3-5 years of experience in complex commercial or insurance defense cases, solid grades from good schools, and experience on law review or as a judicial extern/clerk. Strong research and writing skills are a must. Experience arguing motions, as a second chair, and using Summation, CaseMap, and Sanction desired as well. Any past lives or after-hours spent blogging, podcasting, filmmaking, videoblogging, reporting or using a Six Sigma approach will be rewarded here. Send resume, writing sample, and references to Julie Smith, The Heekin Law Firm, 808 S.W. Third Ave., Suite 540, Portland, OR 97204; fax 503-200-5135, or email via reply to this ad.

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/lgl/664119627.html

While I may lack the experience, I think an application with an entire printout of blog entries might get me an interview.

And finally, anyone who wants 2 Radiohead tickets, I got pavilion seats for the show outside of Washington, D.C. on May 11. I figured I would have some kind of decision by now, but instead I am looking at Day #21 on the "Will The Tycoon Get A Job From The Patent Office That Allows Him To Expand His Empire In The Mid-Atlantic". Here's hoping that I get my money back from Craiglist. And if anyone has me a miracle ticket for either Atlanta or Dallas, I'd take it in a heartbeat.

The author of the #2 website when Googling for "mini storage tycoon",
The Tycoon

Cupid Comes to the Mini Storage?

Phew! The last few days have been INSANE at the mini storages, but thanks to the many glowing reviews written by my loyal followers, we have reached maximum capacity at the mini storages. And forgive me while I gloat for a moment, but the office I was running this week was the 1st location to fill up. The locals have started calling me "the closer". It's one thing to have someone enter the office seeking a storage place, but it's another thing when I can make them feel the urgency to rent the storage space on the spot.

But let me tell y'all the story of one renter in particular. She was my 1st visitor of the day and a mother coming in to rent a unit for her daughter. Our conversation progressed naturally from mini storage talk to career paths to being single. Upon finding out that I am a lawyer looking to expand my mini storage empire to a major city, she began laying the foundation for her daughter to latch on to such a successful tycoon, saying that her daughter wants to move to a major city when she graduates, and even saying that when her daughter comes out there, she was gonna tell her to come see me in the office. I am still waiting. But it was as she was leaving that she said something truly remarkable: "They weren't lying when they said 'come for the storage, stay for the eye candy'". I was speechless. I'm still holding out hope that Cupid shoots an arrow the mini storage's way. It's been a long, lonely road to hoe in Starkville.

Now we are on to a couple of more Congressional campaign commercials in Mississippi. One of them I can't even remember who it is for, but the Republican candidate goes on and on about the Democratic opponent, equating him to Nancy Pelosi. It goes on to say her ideas "may be groovy in California, but that dog don't hunt in Mississippi." I thought this was pretty humorous especially given the "groovy" was spelled on the TV in wavy purple letters. Furthermore, one of the Greg Davis ads against Travis Childress is even more ridiculous. Watch:



How the fuck do you even use this Rev. Wright dumbass to a House Representative candidate in Mississippi? I mean, the sad thing is that this ad will actually affect people's decisions. Not only do you have to take responsibilities of your own contacts, you also have to take responsibilities of your contacts' contacts. The fact that people buy into these ads as factors in their final decisions is pretty indicative of the ignorance of most Americans. No wonder the country is in a downward spiral, we allow attenuated connections and middle names affect our decisions more than actual issues. George W owned the Texas Rangers when they signed Jose Canseco, who many knew was doing steroids, but they turned a blind eye, therefore one may surmise that W probably knew or should have known Jose was doing the juice, yet he turned a blind eye. Thus, anyone who has ever received an endorsement by the Republican party is obviously OK with cheating and lying, right? Ridiculous I know, but that's the kinda shit people buy into.

Did you know that "man boobs" are an actual medical condition? Called gynecomastia.

Finally, because it's been such long, lonely stretch in Starkville, I've recently debated sucking up the pride and joining either eHarmony or Match.com. I've heard they are goldmines for desperate women looking for successful dudes! My proposal is that we all join eHarmony, and then compete for the most ladies (or men if that's your thing) per week or month. We can even have a Tycoon League fantasy draft. A scoring system would look something like 1 point per date, 2 points per kiss, and 4 points for setting off the fireworks. Obviously, we can tweak the system as need be. Also, I propose that each team consists of 1 guy, 1 girl, and 1 util spot, which 2 bench spots. The league can be a weekly head-to-head league. Knowing that a team member has several dates lined up for the week but is a bit 'poonshy' is kinda like having a mediocre 2 start pitcher in fantasy baseball. Do you go for the sure couple of points with the 2 start pitcher while chancing that he fails, or do you go with your stud even though he has only 1 start lined up?

I think we are on to something here.

Fighting cancer one beating at a time,
The Tycoon

**make sure you get up with me somehow about your blog t-shirt if you want one**

A Career Tainted

Today I was notified with the news that John Michael-Montgomery's hit laden country music career has been tainted by one of his primary co-songwriters.

Nashville songwriter charged in death of Cheri Oteri's dad

April 28, 2008, 2:25 PM EST

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- The father of TV comic Cheri Oteri was stabbed to death and a country songwriter has been arrested, police said Monday.

Richard William Fagan, 61, had been charged with criminal homicide in the Saturday night death of 69-year-old Gaetano Thomas Oteri, police said.

Authorities said the victim's daughter, who was on the cast of "Saturday Night Live," had been told of her father's death.

Police say Fagan and the victim were roommates.

Police said Fagan had been arrested Saturday night on a charge of driving under the influence, and shortly after he posted bail on Sunday a friend of the roommates told police their door was locked, the house appeared to be in disarray and Oteri wasn't answering the door.

Emergency medical technicians found Oteri dead in the house.

It appears that Oteri he died from a "significant laceration" to his wrist caused by Fagan's knife, police spokesman Don Aaron said.

Police said detectives found Fagan while he was still with his bail bondsman.

Jail officials say they don't have a record of an attorney for Fagan.

Fagan is listed as co-writer on hits by singer John Michael Montgomery, including "Sold (the Grundy County Auction Incident)," "Be My Baby Tonight," and "I Miss You a Little." Fagan told police his songs have been recorded by several country artists.

My 1st reaction to this article is why 61 and 69 year old men have roommates. This isn't college, or even 20-somethings fresh out of college that need to save $. These are old men, 1 of whom is the father of a former SNL alum, and the other of which wrote multi-million copy selling country hits.

My 2nd reaction is that I can now be connected to Cheri Oteri in 6 Degrees of Separation.

Degree 1: The Tycoon publishes a picture of himself as a young tyke wearing a JMM shirt and several JMM videos on Thursday February 28, 2008.

Degree 2: JMM co-wrote several of his biggest hits with Fagan.

Degree 3: Fagan kills Gaetano Thomas Oteri.

Degree 4: Gaetano Thomas Oteri is the father of Cheri Oteri.

That's it, just 4 links in the chain. We might as well be lovers. The world domination is imminent. I admit Cheri Oteri isn't the most impressive celebrity to be linked to, BUT you gotta start somewhere. We could even go 1 step further and connect me to Will Ferrell!

Finally, I thought about the resonating effect this would have on the splendid career of JMM. One can only hope that people don't assume JMM is also a knife wielding murderer since they are obviously close, having written several big hits.

We are now on Day 14 of the "Will The Tycoon Get An Offer From The Patent Office That Allows Him To Expand His Empire Into The Mid-Atlantic" watch. They keep telling me that my application is with the supervisors of the BioMedical Division, and that it's up to them as to when they'll make a decision. I think they are lying. In fact, I think "they" may just be a fake phone number some hacker put on the website to fuck with people. And even if the phone number is legit, I am questioning the existence of these mythical supervisors. I mean, does it really take this long to decide if I am one of the 400+ patent examiners they are hiring this year? You don't even have to have a law degree/bar membershit, BUT they will pay for you to go to night school to get your law degree while working with the Patent Office. Therefore, wouldn't someone with a law degree already "paid for" be pretty economically efficient? I think I officially don't understand how to get non-mini storage jobs. Engineering degree? Check. Law degree? Check. Bar membershit? Check. Job? Unqualified/over-qualified/incompetent/non-presentable/uneducated/(fill in your favor reason for being shot down). I think I'm fleeing to Cuba. Who is with me? VIVA LA MINI BORDEGAS!! We can start up a mini storages down there.

I wonder what they'd think of my blog shirt?

Speaking of blog shirts, the order are rolling in. Up to 15 or so right now. Next week I'll have the free-time to get the shirts printed and orders sent. But let me know somehow that your want one cause The Tycoon doesn't have the funds to front a bunch extra in hopes of selling them (not like it'd be hard). Also, once the shirts have been distributed, I will be accepting pictures of the shirt being worn in various places around the world! So get your digital cameras charged up loyal followers.

Rolling a Donut :(

Today was a bad day loyal followers. I rolled a donut at the mini storage today. In mini storage tycoon lingo, "rolling a donut" means that during the entire day, you had no office visitors. I fielded phone calls and received payments in the mail, but I failed to lure a single visitor into my storage mecca. To say it was a long, lonely day in the office is an understatement. But I think a day like today can actually help many people. When an iconic figure such as myself can suffer through a long, miserable, unsuccessful day, then anyone can suffer through a day like that. You just got to keep your head up and get ready for those customers tomorrow. Maybe if someone would help out with some sparkling mini storage reviews on google I wouldn't sit alone all day watching Today, Family Feud, Price is Right, Jeopardy, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Montel, Tyra, Dr. Phil, and Maury.

On the bright side, I was able to ponder many random thoughts throughout the long boring day. Apparently there is a restaurant in Greenville, MS that is going to be featured on the Food Network that has a specialty of ribs on pancakes. Yes, ribs + pancakes. Anyone want to meet me for lunch? I can only imagine it's like Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, but better. How do I know it's better? Well, ribs >>>> fried chicken, and pancakes >>>> waffles, therefore ribs + pancakes >>>>>>>>>>> chicken + waffles. And Roscoe's is pretty damn delicious in case you've never had it.

One of the new cosmetic surgeries among the rich and famous is vagina reconstructive surgery, where surgeons tighten a woman's vagina to its tightness prior to her having children or before she had sex with several hundred men. Anyway, am I wrong to think a surgeon in this area could really attract some customers with the slogan "Hit It Again For The 1st Time"?

In Dear Abbey today, a daughter wrote in saying she was tired of the family business and wanted out. Should I write in encouraging her to stick with it? Also, another woman wrote in concerned because her husband always takes the family out for lunch after Church on Sundays and charges the meal on his credit card. She admits that she's "not that 'up' on how credit cards work," but she knows that eventually they'll have to pay off the credit card eventually. She doesn't even know if her husband pays off the credit card each month. I mean is she 14? She's old enough to have a family, and still doesn't know how credit cards work? Good Lord. And she's got kids?? Awesome.

Finally, I spent my afternoon bargaining on the phone with the local t-shirt printers and came to a Tycoon exclusive deal. First of all, here is the proposed final design:


Front



Back

The shirts will only be $17 and that'll include your shipping. I'll set up a PayPal account for those interested. You can send me an e-mail at j.wade.miles@gmail.com to give me your mailing info and shirt size. Really, I just have a dream of having a picture of myself on a couple dozen t-shirts spread across the country. I expect these to be worn with pride. By the way, for those of you avoiding writing a mini storage review, the quote on the back of the t-shirt came directly from a recent mini storage review written by a TRUE loyal follower. Maybe next time, YOUR quote will make it onto a t-shirt. The first step in reaching those heights is writing your own review, so put on those thinking caps and get to work.

And I'll leave my loyal followers with another sampling of my less than manly white guy dance music


Justice - D.A.N.C.E.

Getting ready to take the world by storm in Starkville,
The Tycoon

Day #9

Today is Day #9 of the "Will The Tycoon Get An Offer From The Patent Office That Allows Him To Expand His Empire Into The Mid-Atlantic" watch. No word yet on whether I have lured them into unsuspectingly participating in my expansion. Surprisingly I have been in a relatively good mood as of late despite the impending doom I fear. I think it has to do with my less than manly leanings in music I have been listening to lately. It's either the warming weather or subconsciously I've just been wanting to dance.

As for a proper blog entry, I am a little disappointed the turn out thus far for positive mini storage reviews (you can find the link towards the end of the previous blog entry). You may think your words don't help, but I cannot even begin to count the number of potential renters who backed out when it came time to hand over their first rental payment saying that they "just didn't trust an establishment without a plethora of glowing reviews flowing from google". When the reviews start flowing, the blog entries will start multiplying!

Also, I have had inquiries into actually printing t-shirts. If enough people are really interested I would absolutely use it as a free promotional tool in taking my mini storages national.

I'll leave you with the best song of the 1980s and maybe ever - New Order's "Age of Consent". On top of being awesome musically, they are also top notch dressers.




Really, if you are interested in a t-shirt I'll print them up (and you reimburse me).

Dancing to white people music in Starkville,
The Tycoon

Untitled (Revised)

Sometimes a mini storage tycoon gets one of those phone calls from someone in the depths of despair. Today was one of those days. This lady calls asking how much rent was due on her son's unit, which somehow dissolved into her mulling over the fact that her son had yet to find a real job ("and he's such a smart boy" she said). I didn't have the heart to tell her that he was likely fucked. Then she went into how her daughter recently split from her man and was living in their double wide trailer with her 2 kids, and how they were trying to help her out. I consoled the woman with a hollow "the economy is rough right now, I'm having to do this until I find a long term job..." yada yada yada. Then just as I thought I was about to complete out phone visit, she comes from the blindside with a jaw dropper...to top things off, she was losing her hair! up until this point my level of sorrow for the woman's plight was minimal, but to be losing your hair on top of everything else? That's just a low blow. Ultimately this story was to show the wide variety of exciting stories being a mini storage tycoon can bring into your life, and a mini storage tycoon has to wear many hats. You have to keep monetary records. You have to be able to rent units. You have to be able to sweep out units when people move. You have to keep your cool with angry renters. And sometimes you have to put on your counseling hat like I did today and be there to listen to a renter going through some tough times with the ongoing losing of her hair.

Today I also had to hold back my discontent with a young whipper snapper who came in to rent a unit with his headphones BLARING some shitty pop-punk band music (think Blink 182 but worse), and instead of pausing the music to rent his unit, he left the headphones dangling so that we both got to listen to his shitty music. I was thisclose to bitch slapping him and lecturing him on giving proper respect to not just The Tycoon, but all mini storage tycoons across this great nation. Kids these days.

As I was sitting at the desk writing some bills waiting for my cell phone to ring with a job offer from the US Patent Office (i interviewed on February 14 and they told me it'd be about 2 months, so we are on day 5 of "will The Tycoon dupe the USPTO into giving him a job so that he can expand his empire to the mid-atlantic" watch), I hear an advertisement on TV during the Price is Right that is speaking directly to me. As I watch my student loan bills come in and I beg them for another deferment, the stress of pending financial doom has hindered my tycooning abilities, leaving me confused as to whether I unlocked the proper units or recorded the proper payments and I have to spend minutes of my day rechecking the work I should have already done. It may be time to contact Denvil F. Crowe. His mind-blowingly awesome TV ad is below, and I can only home that is Denvil playing the part of the evil bill collector.



And as if just to rub a little salt in the wound, Oprah today was about professional women who hate their jobs, and something like 48% of them are unsatisfied by their careers. I got an idea, QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOB AND LET ME HAVE IT THEN. I really have no pity on anyone bitching about getting a good paycheck for a job they actually sought to do at some point. "Wah, I have to work 60 hours a week". "Wah, I don't have time to cook dinner every night". "Wah wah wah". I bet their ass isn't upset when they get to take their Mexican vacation or buy their plasma TV. And don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on women here, I feel the same way towards anyone (male, female, or hermaphrodite) who wants to bitch about making enough money to pay bills and enjoy themselves a bit on the side.

On the lighter side of things, "Dear Abbey" today was a outstanding. In the 1st letter, Non-Enabler wrote in lamenting the fact that her sister had begged her for money for the umpteenth time which she could not afford to give this time (yeah, i know, fairly typical "Dear Abbey" shit, but wait). So now the sister (who is married with 3 daughters) has joined a swingers' club and has 1 night affairs all the time, and she blames this on Non-Enabler, AND NON-ENABLER ACTUALLY FEELS AT FAULT. I think I'm gonna beg for money, join a swingers' club, and then blame it all on someone else for not giving me money I needed to pay my student loans. That actually sounds like a pretty appealing plan at this point. In the 2nd letter, Picture Perfect wrote distraught about what she and her husband should do with the nude portraits they had painted of each other. For obvious reasons, they did not want to leave these items behind for their children (can you imagine the look on their faces when they pulled those out - awesome). It humors me that people sit around so perplexed over some issues they actually take the time to write in to Dear Abbey, or even better the dumbasses that write in to Miss Manners. I mean, who sits around with nothing better to do than write out their every minute thought?

Finally, I take pride in the recent $104 million dollar 4th quarter losses by Sallie Mae. I may not be able to get a job helping a firm or company make money, but I'll be damned if I'm not gonna help tear one down!

Tired of Starkville,
The Tycoon

Addendum:
It was brought to my attention the other day by a loyal follower (you know who you are) that a disturbing lack of fanatical reviews for my mini storage empire appeared on the Google search for "Starkville Mini Storage". I am asking my loyal readers to each take a moment to visit Google (here's the link if you are lazy) and take the time to write 1 or more marvelous reviews for either (B) Bulldog Mini Storage, (D) Starkville Mini Storage, (G) North Jackson Mini Storage, or (J) Starkville Mini Storage (should be listed as Bully's Lockers - I am in the process of writing a letter to Google threatening legal action if this oversight is not corrected ASAP). You know that actual renters were overwhelmed by the quality of mini storaging I provided them, so feel free to embellish those feelings. It could also be beneficial to The Tycoon's love life if a couple of you alluded to the rugged good-looks and splendid wit and charm displayed by a certain tycoon. Get to work.

CSI: Starkville

I have been a bit deceiving to my loyal followers over the past week and a half or so. Not really deceiving, but not informing you of my true whereabouts and going ons. A few days after the death of Another Kitty, Other Kitty approached me with concerns that foul play may have been involved with her offspring's passing. Finding it impossible to see a mother in this perpetual state of unknowing, I swore to her that I'd find Another Kitty's killer if foul play was involved. The following photo might be a bit much for the weak of stomach, as it is the death place of Another Kitty and the chalk outline is still visible. I hope you all understand why I could not discuss the case until now.




I began my investigation by making a list of suspects.
Suspect #1: Lint. Motive: Obvious disdain of another kitty (no pun intended) invading his home.
Suspect #2: Lauren. Motive: Attention seeker.
Suspect #3: Other Kitty. Motive: Crazy female made even crazier by crazy hormones.

After closely watching several episodes of CSI, I carefully removed all hairs I found in the vicinity of the crime. Hairs from all 3 suspects were found under the edge of the bed. After interrogating all 3 suspects, they all provided legitimate reasons why their hair could be found in the area. Other Kitty has made a temporary home with Another Kitty under the bed, it was in Lauren's room that Another Kitty's body was found (though she doesn't actually live here anymore...?), and Lint often napped in Lauren's room in an effort to avoid any and all contact with other people and animals. This was an immediate red flag, as it indicated a possible motive for Lint to kill Another Kitty - he was protecting his territory.

Next the cause of death was determined. The toxicology reports were negative. It appeared to my eyes that Another Kitty was suffocated, as his mouth was left agape, gasping for air as if smothered or strangled. Again, this fact pointed towards Lint. His cold demeanor and ample girth would be a perfect combination in smothering a poor young defenseless kitty. Other Kitty seemed much too distraught for this to have been her own work, and Lauren just didn't seem like a kitty killer.

Finally, Other Kitty has been extra aggressive toward Lint lately, which led me to believe that maybe she knew something she just couldn't get across to me in our conversations, and she was trying to express herself through aggression. At this point I took Lint in again for questioning. He coldly told me he did in fact smother Another Kitty, and that he'd been planning it ever since Another Kitty was born, but wanted to wait until Another Kitty was old enough to know what happened. Other Kitty took a break from nursing and laying with Another Kitty to go beg someone into giving her some delicious cat food at around 10 pm on Saturday April 5. It was at this time Lint seized his opportunity. Another Kitty thought Lint was coming to be the "fun uncle" and play with him, and instead Lint overpowered him and smothered him with his considerable fluff. Lint was denied bail and is currently awaiting trial.



In other news, if you like your music leaning toward the electronic-indie-r.ock-pop (think LCD Soundsystem or Hot Chip) then you are doing yourself a disservice by not getting the new Cut Copy album "In Ghost Colours".

And some more intelligent insights from the Opinion Page of the Clarion Ledger. Allen Wilkinson of Brandon writes that if Obama doesn't like the use of his middle name, then he should go legally change it. Wait, what? I know opinions are supposed to not be right or wrong, because, well, they are opinions, but Allen's opinion is about as wrong of an opinion as you'll find. Also, this wholly illustrates the ignorance of Americans that a man's middle name is a factor in your presidential vote. head-->wall

Your Kitty Killer Hunter,
The Tycoon

A Conglomeration of Inane Ramblings

Is Ann Coulter the Skip Bayliss of national political journalists? Some of you know Skip, the idiot ESPN talking head who attempts to illogically declare that the rest of the Cleveland Cavaliers are a good supporting cast for Lebron James, and that Larry Hughes could have been Lebron's Scottie Pippen if Lebron was a better player. These opinions are so dumb and ignorant that they could only be made by someone who sells out all sense of dignity to get their face in the public eye. Ann Coulter writes political opinion pieces seething with so much hate, that I can't fathom how someone could naturally be like this. I just have to believe at this point she, like Skip, simply looks at a situation and purposefully takes the most outlandish view and then argues it vehemently simply to get her name in the paper and face on TV. She actually wrote a piece deriding Obama's well received (even by many Republicans) approach to racism. Somehow she managed to tie in some very attenuated story about Obama's grandparents and their worries over getting mugged and use this to say Obama shouldn't be speaking about racism. What.The.Fuck. She's either the world's biggest snatch or one of the world's leading attention whores. This bitch and anyone who agrees with her are what's wrong with America at this point. She's not even Republican, she's her own thing. She spouts off about Christian values, yet spews more hate than anyone I've ever seen. She's not even respectful in her disagreement, instead attacking rather than discussing. How Republicans can even allow these people to be associated with their party is beyond me. All it does is give an independent voters a reason to hate the party. Likewise, the Democrats have their wackos too, but it seems as though the Republican wackos have been out in full force for this election. I guess they figure that Bush has ruined any real chance of the Republicans winning so they might as well make asses out of themselves.

And what is it about Obama and "controversy" thus far? I mean, McCain recently made peace with Jerry Falwell, therefore by the logic used between Obama and his preacher, shouldn't McCain's peace being made with Falwell mean that McCain accepts Falwell's statements that the US is at fault for Katrina and 9/11 for being sinners? Isn't that just as bad as saying "Goddamned America" in so many words? What about the fact that McCain's family traces back to Caroll County Mississippi, which was widely regarded as one of the most racially charged counties in MS history? His grandfather even served as the county sheriff. Obviously having roots in such a racist place must mean that McCain was raised with those same racist values and therefore believes those same racist values right? What about Hilary marrying a morally corrupt man like Bill, who would cheat on his wife with interns in the Oval Office? Obviously she shares his same corrupt values if she was willing to marry him. Why aren't these relationships the subject of endless debates?

I don't actually believe any of these relationships should have a bearing on who you vote for president, but don't let the bullshit sway you. In the end, Obama's refusal to "play the political game" is probably gonna cost him, and that's sad. It's pretty pathetic that a large portion of the American public can so easily be distracted from the real issues without even realizing it. Vote based on your Iraq position or your economic position or your alternative fuels position, but don't vote based on the bullshit political games that have turned off voters for years. Why do you think Obama has such a strong young following? He doesn't play the bullshit games, he tells it like it is, and doesn't feel the need to point out that in 1995 Hilary didn't put her hand over her heart during a National Anthem and therefore is not a "true American". I fucking hate politics.

Now there are people throughout MS calling for a raise in the state's driving age from 16 to 18. Seriously? Let's count the reasons this is an awful idea. 1) MS has virtually NO public transportation to speak of, and therefore parents would be forced to be chauffeurs for their children during some of their most active years as HS juniors and seniors - football practice, SATs, graduation parties, cheerleading practice, hanging out with friends...I'm sure parents would just be stoked to have to hold their kids' hands the whole time. 2) I think it's a poorly thought out idea to have a kid head off to college a couple of weeks after getting their drivers' license, but that's just me. Look, I prefer not to drive, and rarely drove in Portland, but it's simply a must in MS and other rural states. I want to get back to a city where I can park my car for days on end and not spend $60 in gas per week, but alas the job market is forcing me to drive by keeping me in Starkville. It's not my fault that I'm using up all the oil, blame the law firms in the cities I want to live who refuse to hire me.

In other news, one of MLK's closest confidants was convicted of forcing his (at the time) teenage daughter to have sex with him. Obviously since this guy was so close to MLK, MLK was an advocate for incestuous relations.

I still haven't grasped how so many Republicans seem so upset about McCain. He's the "lesser of 3 evils" and they are already planning on doing better in 2012. I mean, seriously America, what the fuck is wrong with a president who is closer to the middle than to the far right or far left? It's like Americans pick a side and refuse to compromise. Weren't we all taught to compromise as a 5 year old? I mean, I always wanted to only be Donatello when playing Ninja Turtles, but sometimes someone else wanted to be Donatello, so I would let them be Donatello for a Ninja Turtle v. Transformers v. G.I. Joe battle or 2, that way we BOTH got to be Donatello. Obviously in a perfect world we would have both been Donatello the entire time, but since we both wanted to be Donatello, we compromised and split custody. Apparently as you get older, you get worse at compromising.

How about the American Family Association petitioning Marriott to remove the pay-per-view porn from their TV options? Does it really bother people that much that someone might be willing to pay for porn in a private hotel room that they feel the need to spend their precious time asking for them to remove the porn option instead of doing something constructive like educating their children on safe sex or playing catch in the backyard and being a true parent to their kid? Or how about generally instilling the desired morals into your child so that when they are faced with the decision to pay for that porn they pass it up? If we take away all temptations, then do morals even exist? It just seems to me there are a lot of things that could be done that are infinitely more important and worthwhile than not having to worry about a ppv porn option the next time you stay at a Marriott.

Finally, I love the MS Senator commercials in which the candidates say "I am pro-life and I am pro gun". Sounds kinda funny when said back-to-back like that, doesn't it?

Sorry if any of my ramblings left out key components that make me look foolish. Sometimes I am isolated from intelligent conversation when spending 40 hours a week in a mini storage office all alone and my imagination begins to run wild.

The Tycoon

A Broken Blogger :(

I started this blog as an exercise in futility to help me deal with the fact that I somehow ended up back in Starkville indefinitely. In those early days, I was a blogging machine, consistently coming up with fresh ideas on which I could display my considerable wit through my blog. Today I sit here searching for my blogging voice, as it seems as to have left me. I still have ideas (just today I was contemplating huffing jenkem and presenting the results to my loyal followers), but converting those ideas into words for consumption by you, my loyal followers is more difficult than one would think. Often I spend hours in front my my laptop watching my cursor blink at me, taunting me, daring me to write a poor blog entry. It's been daring me all night, and now it's time for me to take back control...i hope. Sometimes the pressure is just too overwhelming, and the thought of a good jenkem huff dances through my head. There's just so much pressure one man can take.

Many of you have been inquiring about Other Kitty and her growing family. Well, I have some bad news. Other Kitty did bless the world with 4 lovely kittens, but unfortunately 2 of them were still born and a 3rd died 2 days later, leaving only 1 kitten. After a heated debate over a name between my sister and I, we settled on "Another Kitty". Another Kitty was eating well and was even opening his eyes and then disaster struck. Other Kitty had made a home under my sister's bed with Another Kitty. On Sunday afternoon, my sister was going to play with Another Kitty, only to find the stiff dead body of Another Kitty. His face was frozen in a permanent painful yell for help. Just Saturday night, Another Kitty was alive and healthy. Cause of death is unknown, but Other Kitty appreciates your thoughts and prayers during this rough time. She seems to be doing OK, and just today was ready to go back outside and try again to get her family started.

So this morning I'm expertly doing the daily crossword puzzle (you are an expert when you complete 2 full crossword puzzles in a row like I did), when I heard one of the more puzzling survey answers ever on the Family Feud. The category was "If you were hiking and saw a bear, what would you do?" And on the board of top 6 or so answer: "CLIMB A TREE". Seriously?!?! Climb a freaking tree ? I mean, it's not like bears are better tree climbers than people, not to mention how it kinda blocks you into a tree with no escape. And like 10 out of 100 people said they'd climb a tree! All I gotta say is that in such a situation, I'm hoping I'm with 1 of those 10%. My ass won't be climbing any trees.

And finally, I am putting out an APB for Freddie Prinze, Jr. I know you all loved him in "She's All That", "I Know What You Did Last Summer", and "Scooby Doo" (who didn't?). But really, what has happened to him? His career seemed on track and then like *poof*, he was gone. I would like to hear testimonials regarding Freddie Prinze sightings. And don't go searching IMDB for his most recent movies, I want to hear an unexpected movie sighting. Godspeed.

It's the Tycoon's bedtime,
The Tycoon

A Welcome Back From the Mini Storage Fairy!

Yesterday I returned to work (and subsequently blogging) after a 3 week hiatus. The batteries are recharged and the wit has been sharpened. I was pretty nervous returning to tycooning after an extended break, but my nerves were quickly calmed by a visit from the Mini Storage Fairy! Unfortunately, unlike my previous Mini Storage Fairy visits, this visit yielded 2 ratty couches. I guess I have been a bad boy lately and didn't deserve another gift of used Nerf guns. :(

If you are looking for that movie to watch while at work, let me be the one to break the disappointment I found with "Southland Tales". Many may say that a cast of The Rock, Justin Timberlake, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stifler, Mandy Moore, Jon Lovitz, Janeane Garofalo and Cheri Oteri and Amy Poehler of SNL fame could never create a good movie, but I saw a perfect storm of actors looking to break out of the reins holding them back. I admit I was wrong. It was a good idea, but ultimately she fell short of it's ambitious goals.

Finally, the DVD viewing of "Southland Tales" was not entirely wasted, as I was exposed to a film which I am anxiously awaiting the release of: "Zombie Strippers"!!!!!!!!!!! I am a self-admitted zombie fan, and I don't have anything against a stripper, so a combination of zombies AND strippers can be described as a perfect marriage of individually awesome things. In fact, what really has me excited is that "Zombie Strippers" hasn't even been released to the theaters yet, so watch your local multiplex closely for a release date. I can't imagine anything short of a wide release to all the major theaters across the country will suffice the throngs of movie connoisseurs eagerly awaiting the release.




Surely y'all didn't think I would let you go without a video tease of "Zombie Strippers"? If you want to learn how to survive a zombie attack, there is only 1 manual available to teach you everything you'll need to know to survive: The Zombie Survival Guide. And if you'd like to see the principles taught in the survival guide applied to fictionalized (but real to life) situations, let me recommend World War Z. I am here to warn you that zombies are real and if you want to survive the inevitable attack, these books are your best bet. Anyone got a 2 story house I can hole up in when they come? Our house is only a single story.

I hope everyone is excited for future posts as I am,
The Tycoon