Success

–noun

1.	the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors.

2.	the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.

3.	a successful performance or achievement: The play was an instant success.

4.	a person or thing that is successful: She was a great success on the talk show.

5. the opposite of The Tycoon

The rumors are true Loyal Followers, The Tycoon is unemployed (again). The mini storages have been bought out and I was deemed unworthy of continued employment. Perhaps it was my incessant desire (need?) to watch my favorite porn movies* on my computer everyday. Or maybe it was my failed attempts to woo mini storage renters into entering a personal relationship with me. But probably it was due to the fact that I just didn't care about showing up until 15 minutes late everyday. I think they could tell my love for mini storaging was waning as the economy was making it apparent a worldwide domination was further away than I was willing to wait. But seriously. I was laid off from mini storages. Does life get any lower?

*Don't judge me. It's an addiction. If I was employed, I'd be joining David Duchovny in rehab for my addiction. Though I must admit when I heard he was going to rehad for a "sex addiction" I was pretty disappointed it was because he liked porn. Being that he's a famous actor and used to bang Scully behind the scenes on the X-Files, I was hoping that his addiction would be something much more exotic than porn. Anyone can be addicted to porn. Only famous men can actually have enough random sex that it qualifies as an "addiction". Yet David seems to not even be using him famous man powers, instead just sneaking out of bed to watch some late night porn on the computer like any other common guy. Bummer.

Monday I will venture to Starkville's unemployment office to see if I qualify. I hope Obama wins the election, cause all they keep telling me he'll be on the corner with a stack of $100s so that I won't have to work!! Keep your fingers crossed for The Tycoon as he aimlessly wanders through life searching for all the right answers.

Dear Lint,

I am sorry about referring to you as an "asshole" in my last post. I meant it as a term of endearment, not that I thought you were actually one. I am sorry about that time I called you fat. I know you were just big boned and had a lot of fur. I am sorry about the time I caught you and Other Kitty making love and embarrassed you. But most of all, I am sorry I never told you I loved you.

There is an empty shoebox in my heart and by the foot of my bed waiting for you to return. It's lonely being at home now with Other Kitty and Bobblehead Greg Oden as my only remaining friends. I need you.

Love,
The Tycoon

Loyal followers, we will be holding a candlelight vigil on the MSU drill field Friday September 18, 2008, at 9 pm. Please come out and show your support for Lint's return.

And because I said I'd provide them...say "hello" to the initial installment of Tycoon Tunes. The files are all 128 AAC for optimal iPod/iTunes compatibility. If you want to bitch about less than optimal quality: "fuck you". Also, each tracklisting has been carefully crafted to maximize listening experience.

Tycoon Tunes: Jamming Beats from 2007, Vol. 1

http://www.mediafire.com/?wtjyxguiu0m

1. Panda Bear - Comfy in Nautica
2. Justice - D.A.N.C.E.
3. No Age - Everybody's Down
4. Devo - Watch Us Work It
5. Au - Boute <~~~ sweet Portland band for those of you West Coasters to peep
6. Phosphorescent - Wolves
7. Ryan Adams & the Cardinals - If I Am a Stranger
8. King Khan & the Shrines - Welfare Bread
9. LCD Soundsystem - North American Scum
10. Busdriver - Casting Agents and Cowgirls
11. C Rayz Walz & Sharkey - Electric Avenue
12. Les Savy Fav - Patty Lee
13. Animal Collective - For Reverand Green
14. A Place to Bury Strangers - Missing You
15. Radiohead - Reckoner
16. Ultra Orange & Emmanuelle - Don't Kiss Me Goodbye
17. Handsome Furs - Dead + Rural
18. Ulrich Schnauss - A Song About Hope

Tycoon Tunes: Jamming Beats from 2007, Vol. 2

http://www.mediafire.com/?d1mtol5jggo

1. Jens Lekman - And I Remember Every Kiss
2. Avey Tare & Kira Brekken - Lay Lay Off, Fosalem
3. Au Revoir Simone - Night Majestic
4. Amon Tobin - Esther's
5. Dälek - Paragraphs Relentless
6. Boris with Merzbow - Pink (live)
7. Psychedelic Horseshit - Nothing Is Revealed <~~~~~~~~ best band name ever
8. Times New Viking - Hiding in Machines
9. Carsick Cars - Zhong Nan Hai <~~~~~~~~~~ best Chinese band on the planet
10. Sonic Youth - I'm Not There
11. Liars - Pure Unevil
12. Animal Collective - Fireworks
13. Ryan Adams - Everybody Knows
14. Samamidon - Little Satchel
15. Tinariwen - Matadjem Yinmixan
16. The Fiery Furnaces - Clear Signal from Cairo
17. Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings - Answer Me
18. Okkervil River - Title Track

Tycoon Tunes: Jamming Beats from 2007, Vol. 3

http://www.mediafire.com/?d2nntnndjuf

1. No Age - Every Artist Needs a Tragedy
2. Of Montreal - Suffer for Fashion
3. Wooden Shjips - We Ask You To Ride <~~~~~~ yes the band name is spelled right
4. Chromeo - Tenderoni
5. Liars - Houseclouds
6. Panda Bear - Take Pills
7. Architecture in Helsinki - Hold Me
8. Björk - Innocence
9. Jens Lekman - A Postcard To Nina <~~~~~ this song = \m/
10. The Wombats - Lost in the Post
11. Los Campesinos! - You! Me! Dancing! <~~~~~~ really does make you want to dance
12. Black Diamond Heavies - White Bitch
13. Radiohead - Bangers & Mash
14. Arcade Fire - (Antichrist Television Blues)
15. Farah - Law of Life <~~~~~~~ my jam
16. Electrelance - Five
17. Antony & The Johnsons - Knockin' on Heaven's Door <~~~~~~ this version of this song would make Jesus cry...seriously.

Leave ratings for my Tycoon Tunes in the comments. Just remember to go easy on me, having a better music taste than you is all I got.

Come home Lint.

The Tycoon

An APB For Lint!!

Loyal followers! I have a dire situation! Lint has disappeared! No seriously, I haven't seen him since late Sunday/early Monday. I am putting together a search team to scour the neighborhood tonight. Please report to my house ASAP if you can participate. And if you want to look for Lint solo, he is often aloof and indifferent and quite frankly a bit of an asshole. In other words, most chicks would find him attractive, so if you see a lot of hot pussies hanging around, Lint is probably there pimping. Here is a recent photo of Lint:



In other news, I have gotten behind on my renewed blogging due to my participation in an online NCAA 2009 XBOX 360 Dynasty with 3 other loser...i mean gamers. Among them: James Taylor (yes, that James Taylor):



Brad Miller (yes, that Brad Miller):


nice rows Brad.

And Cullen.

Little does anyone know that I have battled through over half this season with not 1, but 2 severe paper cuts to my thumbs. At times I have had to use my big toes amongst other body parts on the joysticks due to my thumbs being in such agony. Despite these injuries and setbacks, I have managed to finish the season with the North Carolina Tar Heels 7-5, better than the the pre-seasons top 25 Wake Forest Demon Deacons Piloted by Brad Miller. Not once did I complain about my injuries, even when pressured by James Taylor, Brad Miller, and Cullen to get in my game, because when it comes down to it, football players are tough and so are their leaders.

Finally, I know I said I have some mixtapes coming, and I really do, but my external hard drive is PMSing, so we gotta get her in order.

The Tycoon

::sigh:: I Am Tiring Of The Mini Storage

Loyal Followers, I have a confession. I am growing increasingly annoyed and tired of the Mini Storages. Whether it be the incoherent babble of renters ("What's your last name?" "Smfph" "Excuse me?" "Smfph" "Is that SMITH?"), repeated ignorant phone call conversations with potential renters ("What size do you need?" "I don't know" "Well, how much stuff you got?" "I don't know, couple boxes and a tv" "So you don't need a big one then?"), or the prevalence goodies the Mini Storage Fairy has felt necessary to gift me ("Sweet, another broken mirror in the drive way!"). Why can't I spend an afternoon casually glancing at patent bar notes, setting records on expert level minesweeper, and fighting cancer? Is that too much to ask? Why do you need a receipt when you write a check?

Quick, pick a number between 1 and 25, leave your choice in the comments. I'll get back to you with what it means.

So to break the monotony the Tycoon is going to begin making mixes of his favorite songs. Each mix is going to be broken up by years and be 1-2 discs worth of material. I will upload the albums to www.mediafire.com in rar format. What you need to do is download the trial version of WinRar. Whenever they ask if you want to register it, just click "Close" and the box goes away. When you download a Tycoon Mix, WinRar should automatically open. Just highlight (click once) on the file, then click the "Extract" option on the tool bar. You can then pick the folder you want to extract the folder into. Upload into iTunes and \m/. I will continue this as long as I got quality stuff to upload, or until the RIAA throws me in jail and takes all my money and assets (HAHA), or Ghostface Killah puts a bullet in my face for uploading his music.

I am doing this for the primary reason of putting on my music snobbiness on display. But don't judge me, just realize it's really all I got to hold on to that makes me feel better than you. Throw me a bone and tell me about how that techno-ambient-downtempo 30 minute track from 1978 is the greatest thing you've ever heard.

The Tycoon

Other Kitty: The Cock Blocker

In a disturbing trend, Other Kitty has begun laying across the keyboard of my laptop. She sometimes also lays across it when it's closed. This is disturbing because I believe that Other Kitty has become jealous of my porn addiction, and she is trying to either (a) fuck up my computer by stepping/laying on as many buttons at once as possible, (b) keep me from accessing my go to site, (c) get my attention on her instead of my 2-dimensional beauties, or (d) some combo of the above. It's becoming a problem that needs to be remedied ASAP. This is a recent development in the last week or 2, but a quickly escalating point of contention in our owner-pet relationship. Though considering Other Kitty has experience living in the forest, she is hardly daunted by the threats of imprisonment in the local Human Society. I am really at a lost as to the best method of handling this tedious situation. I don't want to hurt Other Kitty.

The Tycoon needs to ponder this one for a while.

The Mini Storage Tycoon: Scamming Rent Since January 2008

I've been outed loyal followers. Today in an unfortunate turn of events yours truly was accused (rightfully?) of pilfering rent money from poor unsuspecting renters. Here's how the scam goes down:

1) Pick a renter who appears to be an idiot.
2) Convince them to pay for several months in cash.
3) Only indicate on the receipt that they paid for 1 month's rent.
4) If caught, profusely apologize and rewrite proper receipt, and find new target.
5) If not caught, pocket the cash that's over the amount of 1 month's rent.
6) Indicate in the files and in the deposit books that only 1 month's rent was paid, therefore giving you 3 pieces of evidence supporting your contention that said renter only paid 1 month's rent.
7) If necessary, deny deny deny!

Well, today I was caught. A tubby claims she paid for 2 months' rent at the end of June and should not be due until the end of August. Thankfully I have skillfully altered the records to show that she only paid for 1 month's rent. Y'all should have seen her. Tears. Yelling. Red faces. Oh, it was glorious. The entire scene was punctuated by her repeatedly saying she was gonna pay the bill, but she was "getting her shit and moving it elsewhere" and actually accusing me of "running a scam". Fuck yes bitch, I am running a scam, I got loans to pay off and you are worried about how much of your parents' money I skim off the top?

So one of the downsides to being in a small town is that you often get labeled as something. Sometimes it's flattering, sometimes not so much. I am officially "the storage guy" of Starkville now. Some of you might be "the whore" or "the asshole" or "the manslut" of your small town, but nothing compares to the pride I felt when I walked in the bar a few weeks ago, took about 3 steps, and heard "Hey! Your my storage guy!" Soon a totally awesome dude in a tight Affliction tshirt and a white flat-brimmed, oversized baseball hat is slapping me high 5s as I enter the bar. I felt like a rockstar. Ladies flocked to me wanted to learn more why a 26 year old with an engineering degree and a law degree would live at home and run mini storages. I regaled them with storied of my adventures before being denied a 3somes in my high school bedroom from a couple of hotties.

I'll be right back, I need a drink now.
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(That many drinks later)

So last night I was the recipient of possibly great news. I was informed that my sister's best friend and former roommate is helping assimilate the Korean exchange students at MSU and will be taking them out to parties and bars all weekend. I'm just pretty stoked that they will (hopefully) not realize the negative stigma attached to being 26 with an engineering degree, a law degree, and still living at home running mini storages. I may even be able to convince them that my empire expands beyonds Starkville's walls, that the house is all mine, and that the MSU border paper on the walls is there because I just really like MSU so I had it specially ordered in the finest Italian wallpapering. Good Lord, that would be sweet. I can convince them my dad is my butler, and that Lint is a rare breed of miniature panthers that naturally only exists in Honduras, and I have 1 of only 10 in domestic captivity. Thank God for broken English.

Loyal followers, that's what I got for you.
The Tycoon

One Of Those Days

Hot. Humid. Boring. Sad. Frustrating. Yeah, it was one of those days. And to think, things started off so well when at 9:30 I was unexpectedly treated to a NBA Stars v. NBA moms Family Feud. Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, Richard Jefferson, David Lee, Cuttino Mobley, and Grant Hill battle their mothers neck-and-neck and came out victorious. The best moment was Chris Bosh absolutely owning the Final Feud, only to almost have Dwight Howard blow it when he barely netted his necessary 36 points to reach the magical 200 needed. I mean, Dwight didn't even answer all 4 questions and only surpassed the 200 point plateau when his final answered question put him over. Moral of the story: go to college America. Just 1 year at Georgia Tech gave Chris the skills necessary to quickly think on his feet and demolish the Family Feud, while Dwight jumped straight to the NBA from high school and seemed lost and confused. Now I'm not saying a college degree (or a law degree for that matter) guarantees you a job, just that you will be able to think more quickly on your feet when faced with guessing the most popular answers among the 100 polled members of the public with $20,000 on the line.

Some of my long-time readers may remember "Tittie Money" from one of my early bloggings. Well today my worst nightmare was realized. 95 degrees. Humid as shit. Overweight black woman sweating. Yeah. I briefly thought about just offering to pay her rent for her and letting her keep her sweaty $20s, but then I came to my senses and realize that I don't have any money. After she left the office, I frantically searched for Lysol, but could only find insect killer. I doused my hands and then was just very careful to not start licking my fingers the rest of the day. I'm kinda feeling a little sickly to my stomach, but I'm gonna try to finish my blogging.

Today I may have missed out on my kindred spirit in this world. She came racing into the mini storage right at noon, catching me just before lunch. She asked if I was just working for the summer or what, and I briefly informed her that I was indefinitely employed but looking for a way to expand my empire, preferably to the West Coast. She then informed me that she too was in Starkville due to family reasons, but wanted to leave ASAP and preferably to the West Coast. This was when our eyes met and a spark was ignited. She is too "cosmopolitan" for Starkville. So she was 60 and stuck in Starkville with her dying husband, and counting down the days until he finally kicked the bucket and she could take off. Our goals were/are basically the exact same. And then she was gone, before I could even proposition her about becoming my Sugar Mama/ticket out of Starkville once her hubby passed. Now I am again left with the ever-present mini storage ethics question of whether I pull her number off her file and see if she's interested.

So while I was typing this a commercial came on for Hanes panties. It closed "Hanes for panties that won't ride up. Stay wedgie free with Hanes." No reason I just typed that except for that it struck me as humorous in the moment.

Desperately seeking a vacation,
The Tycoon