Loyal Followers, I have a confession. I am growing increasingly annoyed and tired of the Mini Storages. Whether it be the incoherent babble of renters ("What's your last name?" "Smfph" "Excuse me?" "Smfph" "Is that SMITH?"), repeated ignorant phone call conversations with potential renters ("What size do you need?" "I don't know" "Well, how much stuff you got?" "I don't know, couple boxes and a tv" "So you don't need a big one then?"), or the prevalence goodies the Mini Storage Fairy has felt necessary to gift me ("Sweet, another broken mirror in the drive way!"). Why can't I spend an afternoon casually glancing at patent bar notes, setting records on expert level minesweeper, and fighting cancer? Is that too much to ask? Why do you need a receipt when you write a check?
Quick, pick a number between 1 and 25, leave your choice in the comments. I'll get back to you with what it means.
So to break the monotony the Tycoon is going to begin making mixes of his favorite songs. Each mix is going to be broken up by years and be 1-2 discs worth of material. I will upload the albums to www.mediafire.com in rar format. What you need to do is download the trial version of WinRar. Whenever they ask if you want to register it, just click "Close" and the box goes away. When you download a Tycoon Mix, WinRar should automatically open. Just highlight (click once) on the file, then click the "Extract" option on the tool bar. You can then pick the folder you want to extract the folder into. Upload into iTunes and \m/. I will continue this as long as I got quality stuff to upload, or until the RIAA throws me in jail and takes all my money and assets (HAHA), or Ghostface Killah puts a bullet in my face for uploading his music.
I am doing this for the primary reason of putting on my music snobbiness on display. But don't judge me, just realize it's really all I got to hold on to that makes me feel better than you. Throw me a bone and tell me about how that techno-ambient-downtempo 30 minute track from 1978 is the greatest thing you've ever heard.
The Tycoon
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Other Kitty: The Cock Blocker
In a disturbing trend, Other Kitty has begun laying across the keyboard of my laptop. She sometimes also lays across it when it's closed. This is disturbing because I believe that Other Kitty has become jealous of my porn addiction, and she is trying to either (a) fuck up my computer by stepping/laying on as many buttons at once as possible, (b) keep me from accessing my go to site, (c) get my attention on her instead of my 2-dimensional beauties, or (d) some combo of the above. It's becoming a problem that needs to be remedied ASAP. This is a recent development in the last week or 2, but a quickly escalating point of contention in our owner-pet relationship. Though considering Other Kitty has experience living in the forest, she is hardly daunted by the threats of imprisonment in the local Human Society. I am really at a lost as to the best method of handling this tedious situation. I don't want to hurt Other Kitty.
The Tycoon needs to ponder this one for a while.
The Tycoon needs to ponder this one for a while.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The Mini Storage Tycoon: Scamming Rent Since January 2008
I've been outed loyal followers. Today in an unfortunate turn of events yours truly was accused (rightfully?) of pilfering rent money from poor unsuspecting renters. Here's how the scam goes down:
1) Pick a renter who appears to be an idiot.
2) Convince them to pay for several months in cash.
3) Only indicate on the receipt that they paid for 1 month's rent.
4) If caught, profusely apologize and rewrite proper receipt, and find new target.
5) If not caught, pocket the cash that's over the amount of 1 month's rent.
6) Indicate in the files and in the deposit books that only 1 month's rent was paid, therefore giving you 3 pieces of evidence supporting your contention that said renter only paid 1 month's rent.
7) If necessary, deny deny deny!
Well, today I was caught. A tubby claims she paid for 2 months' rent at the end of June and should not be due until the end of August. Thankfully I have skillfully altered the records to show that she only paid for 1 month's rent. Y'all should have seen her. Tears. Yelling. Red faces. Oh, it was glorious. The entire scene was punctuated by her repeatedly saying she was gonna pay the bill, but she was "getting her shit and moving it elsewhere" and actually accusing me of "running a scam". Fuck yes bitch, I am running a scam, I got loans to pay off and you are worried about how much of your parents' money I skim off the top?
So one of the downsides to being in a small town is that you often get labeled as something. Sometimes it's flattering, sometimes not so much. I am officially "the storage guy" of Starkville now. Some of you might be "the whore" or "the asshole" or "the manslut" of your small town, but nothing compares to the pride I felt when I walked in the bar a few weeks ago, took about 3 steps, and heard "Hey! Your my storage guy!" Soon a totally awesome dude in a tight Affliction tshirt and a white flat-brimmed, oversized baseball hat is slapping me high 5s as I enter the bar. I felt like a rockstar. Ladies flocked to me wanted to learn more why a 26 year old with an engineering degree and a law degree would live at home and run mini storages. I regaled them with storied of my adventures before being denied a 3somes in my high school bedroom from a couple of hotties.
I'll be right back, I need a drink now.
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(That many drinks later)
So last night I was the recipient of possibly great news. I was informed that my sister's best friend and former roommate is helping assimilate the Korean exchange students at MSU and will be taking them out to parties and bars all weekend. I'm just pretty stoked that they will (hopefully) not realize the negative stigma attached to being 26 with an engineering degree, a law degree, and still living at home running mini storages. I may even be able to convince them that my empire expands beyonds Starkville's walls, that the house is all mine, and that the MSU border paper on the walls is there because I just really like MSU so I had it specially ordered in the finest Italian wallpapering. Good Lord, that would be sweet. I can convince them my dad is my butler, and that Lint is a rare breed of miniature panthers that naturally only exists in Honduras, and I have 1 of only 10 in domestic captivity. Thank God for broken English.
Loyal followers, that's what I got for you.
The Tycoon
1) Pick a renter who appears to be an idiot.
2) Convince them to pay for several months in cash.
3) Only indicate on the receipt that they paid for 1 month's rent.
4) If caught, profusely apologize and rewrite proper receipt, and find new target.
5) If not caught, pocket the cash that's over the amount of 1 month's rent.
6) Indicate in the files and in the deposit books that only 1 month's rent was paid, therefore giving you 3 pieces of evidence supporting your contention that said renter only paid 1 month's rent.
7) If necessary, deny deny deny!
Well, today I was caught. A tubby claims she paid for 2 months' rent at the end of June and should not be due until the end of August. Thankfully I have skillfully altered the records to show that she only paid for 1 month's rent. Y'all should have seen her. Tears. Yelling. Red faces. Oh, it was glorious. The entire scene was punctuated by her repeatedly saying she was gonna pay the bill, but she was "getting her shit and moving it elsewhere" and actually accusing me of "running a scam". Fuck yes bitch, I am running a scam, I got loans to pay off and you are worried about how much of your parents' money I skim off the top?
So one of the downsides to being in a small town is that you often get labeled as something. Sometimes it's flattering, sometimes not so much. I am officially "the storage guy" of Starkville now. Some of you might be "the whore" or "the asshole" or "the manslut" of your small town, but nothing compares to the pride I felt when I walked in the bar a few weeks ago, took about 3 steps, and heard "Hey! Your my storage guy!" Soon a totally awesome dude in a tight Affliction tshirt and a white flat-brimmed, oversized baseball hat is slapping me high 5s as I enter the bar. I felt like a rockstar. Ladies flocked to me wanted to learn more why a 26 year old with an engineering degree and a law degree would live at home and run mini storages. I regaled them with storied of my adventures before being denied a 3somes in my high school bedroom from a couple of hotties.
I'll be right back, I need a drink now.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(That many drinks later)
So last night I was the recipient of possibly great news. I was informed that my sister's best friend and former roommate is helping assimilate the Korean exchange students at MSU and will be taking them out to parties and bars all weekend. I'm just pretty stoked that they will (hopefully) not realize the negative stigma attached to being 26 with an engineering degree, a law degree, and still living at home running mini storages. I may even be able to convince them that my empire expands beyonds Starkville's walls, that the house is all mine, and that the MSU border paper on the walls is there because I just really like MSU so I had it specially ordered in the finest Italian wallpapering. Good Lord, that would be sweet. I can convince them my dad is my butler, and that Lint is a rare breed of miniature panthers that naturally only exists in Honduras, and I have 1 of only 10 in domestic captivity. Thank God for broken English.
Loyal followers, that's what I got for you.
The Tycoon
Monday, June 2, 2008
One Of Those Days
Hot. Humid. Boring. Sad. Frustrating. Yeah, it was one of those days. And to think, things started off so well when at 9:30 I was unexpectedly treated to a NBA Stars v. NBA moms Family Feud. Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, Richard Jefferson, David Lee, Cuttino Mobley, and Grant Hill battle their mothers neck-and-neck and came out victorious. The best moment was Chris Bosh absolutely owning the Final Feud, only to almost have Dwight Howard blow it when he barely netted his necessary 36 points to reach the magical 200 needed. I mean, Dwight didn't even answer all 4 questions and only surpassed the 200 point plateau when his final answered question put him over. Moral of the story: go to college America. Just 1 year at Georgia Tech gave Chris the skills necessary to quickly think on his feet and demolish the Family Feud, while Dwight jumped straight to the NBA from high school and seemed lost and confused. Now I'm not saying a college degree (or a law degree for that matter) guarantees you a job, just that you will be able to think more quickly on your feet when faced with guessing the most popular answers among the 100 polled members of the public with $20,000 on the line.
Some of my long-time readers may remember "Tittie Money" from one of my early bloggings. Well today my worst nightmare was realized. 95 degrees. Humid as shit. Overweight black woman sweating. Yeah. I briefly thought about just offering to pay her rent for her and letting her keep her sweaty $20s, but then I came to my senses and realize that I don't have any money. After she left the office, I frantically searched for Lysol, but could only find insect killer. I doused my hands and then was just very careful to not start licking my fingers the rest of the day. I'm kinda feeling a little sickly to my stomach, but I'm gonna try to finish my blogging.
Today I may have missed out on my kindred spirit in this world. She came racing into the mini storage right at noon, catching me just before lunch. She asked if I was just working for the summer or what, and I briefly informed her that I was indefinitely employed but looking for a way to expand my empire, preferably to the West Coast. She then informed me that she too was in Starkville due to family reasons, but wanted to leave ASAP and preferably to the West Coast. This was when our eyes met and a spark was ignited. She is too "cosmopolitan" for Starkville. So she was 60 and stuck in Starkville with her dying husband, and counting down the days until he finally kicked the bucket and she could take off. Our goals were/are basically the exact same. And then she was gone, before I could even proposition her about becoming my Sugar Mama/ticket out of Starkville once her hubby passed. Now I am again left with the ever-present mini storage ethics question of whether I pull her number off her file and see if she's interested.
So while I was typing this a commercial came on for Hanes panties. It closed "Hanes for panties that won't ride up. Stay wedgie free with Hanes." No reason I just typed that except for that it struck me as humorous in the moment.
Desperately seeking a vacation,
The Tycoon
Some of my long-time readers may remember "Tittie Money" from one of my early bloggings. Well today my worst nightmare was realized. 95 degrees. Humid as shit. Overweight black woman sweating. Yeah. I briefly thought about just offering to pay her rent for her and letting her keep her sweaty $20s, but then I came to my senses and realize that I don't have any money. After she left the office, I frantically searched for Lysol, but could only find insect killer. I doused my hands and then was just very careful to not start licking my fingers the rest of the day. I'm kinda feeling a little sickly to my stomach, but I'm gonna try to finish my blogging.
Today I may have missed out on my kindred spirit in this world. She came racing into the mini storage right at noon, catching me just before lunch. She asked if I was just working for the summer or what, and I briefly informed her that I was indefinitely employed but looking for a way to expand my empire, preferably to the West Coast. She then informed me that she too was in Starkville due to family reasons, but wanted to leave ASAP and preferably to the West Coast. This was when our eyes met and a spark was ignited. She is too "cosmopolitan" for Starkville. So she was 60 and stuck in Starkville with her dying husband, and counting down the days until he finally kicked the bucket and she could take off. Our goals were/are basically the exact same. And then she was gone, before I could even proposition her about becoming my Sugar Mama/ticket out of Starkville once her hubby passed. Now I am again left with the ever-present mini storage ethics question of whether I pull her number off her file and see if she's interested.
So while I was typing this a commercial came on for Hanes panties. It closed "Hanes for panties that won't ride up. Stay wedgie free with Hanes." No reason I just typed that except for that it struck me as humorous in the moment.
Desperately seeking a vacation,
The Tycoon
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Signs I'm Not As Cool As You Think
I spend days mulling over possible fantasy baseball trades.
I work at a mini storage.
I sit on my bed for hours on end when not at the mini storage.
I actually have seriously considered writing a movie about the current state of my life.
I have convinced myself I could make it good.
I still plan on making a blog t-shirt.
I wonder if writers know something they've written kinda sucks, but they have to release it anyway.
I know when I've written a less than awesome blog entry.
I try to not publish unrealized blog ideas for fear of offending my loyal followers.
I haven't been able to put together a quality blog posting in over a week, and it actually is bothering me.
I haven't had anything exciting enough happen to me in over a week worth blogging about.
I am already counting down the days until "Pineapple Express" comes out (8/8/08 if you are wondering).
I spend hours perfecting my Netflix queue.
I haven't been to a concert since December 2007 :(
I look up songs that I like from TV shows and movies.
I think one of my 'dream' jobs would be to be the guy who helps picking out music for movies.
I can have my opinion of a movie swayed by a good use of music.
I think I could be better than half the people on "Last Comic Standing" with a little work on my delivery.
I have to resort to gimmicks in order to put together a blog posting.
I think "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" looks incredibly bad.
I watched the entire MTV Movie Awards tonight. Yes, the whole thing.
I am thinking of becoming a career student.
I still probably won't be able to get a real job.
I sometimes like to watch foreign movies without subtitles and guess at what they are saying.
I am already stockpiling Halloween costume ideas.
I sometimes play 6 Degrees of Separation with myself.
I have played Scategories twice in the past week.
I allow my self-confidence levels to be governed by the quality of my blog entries.
I think H3's are the biggest douchebag vehicles in the world...and it's not even close.
I am not gonna stop coming up with reasons I'm not as cool as you think until the video below is finished uploading, and that's a promise.
I think my creative juices have slowed to a crawl.
I am in need of a muse to restart my creative juices, but have no prospects.
I think Renee Zellweger looked damn good in her early movies, like "Love and a .45". What happened to her?
I think the video just finish uploading, notice the excellent use of music, especially M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" during the last minute or so.
Looking for my muse in Starkville,
The Tycoon
I work at a mini storage.
I sit on my bed for hours on end when not at the mini storage.
I actually have seriously considered writing a movie about the current state of my life.
I have convinced myself I could make it good.
I still plan on making a blog t-shirt.
I wonder if writers know something they've written kinda sucks, but they have to release it anyway.
I know when I've written a less than awesome blog entry.
I try to not publish unrealized blog ideas for fear of offending my loyal followers.
I haven't been able to put together a quality blog posting in over a week, and it actually is bothering me.
I haven't had anything exciting enough happen to me in over a week worth blogging about.
I am already counting down the days until "Pineapple Express" comes out (8/8/08 if you are wondering).
I spend hours perfecting my Netflix queue.
I haven't been to a concert since December 2007 :(
I look up songs that I like from TV shows and movies.
I think one of my 'dream' jobs would be to be the guy who helps picking out music for movies.
I can have my opinion of a movie swayed by a good use of music.
I think I could be better than half the people on "Last Comic Standing" with a little work on my delivery.
I have to resort to gimmicks in order to put together a blog posting.
I think "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" looks incredibly bad.
I watched the entire MTV Movie Awards tonight. Yes, the whole thing.
I am thinking of becoming a career student.
I still probably won't be able to get a real job.
I sometimes like to watch foreign movies without subtitles and guess at what they are saying.
I am already stockpiling Halloween costume ideas.
I sometimes play 6 Degrees of Separation with myself.
I have played Scategories twice in the past week.
I allow my self-confidence levels to be governed by the quality of my blog entries.
I think H3's are the biggest douchebag vehicles in the world...and it's not even close.
I am not gonna stop coming up with reasons I'm not as cool as you think until the video below is finished uploading, and that's a promise.
I think my creative juices have slowed to a crawl.
I am in need of a muse to restart my creative juices, but have no prospects.
I think Renee Zellweger looked damn good in her early movies, like "Love and a .45". What happened to her?
I think the video just finish uploading, notice the excellent use of music, especially M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" during the last minute or so.
Looking for my muse in Starkville,
The Tycoon
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Signs Of Becoming A True Tycoon
Over the last couple of weeks, circumstances have led me to ponder my future as a tycoon. Attempts to expand my empire have failed miserably and left me doing some serious soul searching. I have asked God to show me a sign whether my future was in mini storage tycooning or utilizing my 7 years of higher education as a lawyer and engineer. Well God has shined down on me with a bevy of reasons to stick with tycooning.
First and foremost, this is my first blog posting from my "new" badass laptop. How did I come into possession of a year old Dell Inspiron 9300? Well, let's just say the Mini Storage Fairy was in an extra giving mood this week. And I'd also like to give partial thanks to Cedric abandoning his mini storage unit and effectively donating his computer to my cause. Yes I have a cause now. My cause is to reinitiate my expansion plans, this time focusing on the west coast instead of the mid-Atlantic region of the east coast. East coasters are kinda assholes anyway. So anyway, back to this laptop, it's all wide screened and shiz without any of the smudges gathered from 4 years of old laptop usage, which not only makes watching netflix online way more awesome, but it increases the enjoyment of my adult video watching. It's like going from watching porn on an old-school curved screen 20" TV to experiencing it on a brand new 50" plasma in HD. I can only assume assume that this computer was sent as the first of many gifts that the mini storage promises to bear should I stick with my tycooning plans. At the very minimal, it was an awfully enticing trap. As for now, I assume that God showered me with this gift to signal that mini storage tycooning was indeed my future and that my 7 years of education were irrelevant.
Secondly, I have accepted and adapted to a lack of social life. In fact, I prefer 94% of my 'human' interaction to be through text messaging, cell phone calls, and e-mails. I actually fear actual human contact. Yeah, I deal with accepting payments and signing leases, but I most prefer the hours of isolation free of renters. At first I craved human contact, especially on the weekends. Now I'd rather settle in with a couple of Netflix movies, Other Kitty, and some alcohol.
Finally, I have actually convinced myself I could write a movie script about a law educated guy who can't find a job and spends his days couch bouncing from friend to friend. There would be a serious of shenanigans of the main character going out and spending the night drinking water (no money) in the corner of the bar alone (no self-confidence) while his friends spent the night chasing ladies, and upon returning 'home' our lovable loser would sleep on a couch/air mattress while listening to his current host and his lady for the night. Just when things appeared to have hit rock bottom, our anti-hero would land a dream job, while karma exacted revenge on his tormentors. I think it'd work. That's obviously a very rough plot outline, but you can piece together what I'm getting at.
Anyone watching the NBA playoffs think that Sasha Vujacic looks like Aldous Snow from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"??
I keep watching Lakers' games and expecting Sasha to break out the air humping and start singing "We Got To Do Something" or "Inside You". By the way, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is pretty damn solid. You get to see Jason Segel's weiner (which has inspired me to write in a penis baring scene into my blossoming film project) and see a Dracula musical in action, which while sounds lame is actually kinda outstanding.
Doing Something,
The Tycoon
First and foremost, this is my first blog posting from my "new" badass laptop. How did I come into possession of a year old Dell Inspiron 9300? Well, let's just say the Mini Storage Fairy was in an extra giving mood this week. And I'd also like to give partial thanks to Cedric abandoning his mini storage unit and effectively donating his computer to my cause. Yes I have a cause now. My cause is to reinitiate my expansion plans, this time focusing on the west coast instead of the mid-Atlantic region of the east coast. East coasters are kinda assholes anyway. So anyway, back to this laptop, it's all wide screened and shiz without any of the smudges gathered from 4 years of old laptop usage, which not only makes watching netflix online way more awesome, but it increases the enjoyment of my adult video watching. It's like going from watching porn on an old-school curved screen 20" TV to experiencing it on a brand new 50" plasma in HD. I can only assume assume that this computer was sent as the first of many gifts that the mini storage promises to bear should I stick with my tycooning plans. At the very minimal, it was an awfully enticing trap. As for now, I assume that God showered me with this gift to signal that mini storage tycooning was indeed my future and that my 7 years of education were irrelevant.
Secondly, I have accepted and adapted to a lack of social life. In fact, I prefer 94% of my 'human' interaction to be through text messaging, cell phone calls, and e-mails. I actually fear actual human contact. Yeah, I deal with accepting payments and signing leases, but I most prefer the hours of isolation free of renters. At first I craved human contact, especially on the weekends. Now I'd rather settle in with a couple of Netflix movies, Other Kitty, and some alcohol.
Finally, I have actually convinced myself I could write a movie script about a law educated guy who can't find a job and spends his days couch bouncing from friend to friend. There would be a serious of shenanigans of the main character going out and spending the night drinking water (no money) in the corner of the bar alone (no self-confidence) while his friends spent the night chasing ladies, and upon returning 'home' our lovable loser would sleep on a couch/air mattress while listening to his current host and his lady for the night. Just when things appeared to have hit rock bottom, our anti-hero would land a dream job, while karma exacted revenge on his tormentors. I think it'd work. That's obviously a very rough plot outline, but you can piece together what I'm getting at.
Anyone watching the NBA playoffs think that Sasha Vujacic looks like Aldous Snow from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"??
I keep watching Lakers' games and expecting Sasha to break out the air humping and start singing "We Got To Do Something" or "Inside You". By the way, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is pretty damn solid. You get to see Jason Segel's weiner (which has inspired me to write in a penis baring scene into my blossoming film project) and see a Dracula musical in action, which while sounds lame is actually kinda outstanding.
Doing Something,
The Tycoon
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