Well it looks like the votes indicate that I should be cheering for the Bulldogs, even though all the voters neglected to give any reasons why. Therefore, I will take it on myself to come up with a good reason. Basically, the University of Oregon gave me a law degree worth approximately the cost of the paper it was printed on. And it only cost me somewhere in the neighborhood of $60,000-$70,000 in tuition plus interest. Not only does this degree prevent me from getting legal jobs, but it also tends to make me overqualified for any position not requiring a law degree. The ultimate catch-22. This law school deal is quite the racket to prop up universities' reputations and pull in a substantial amount of money from naive college kids who've been told that they should do things like go to law school and grad school, etc. for 20+ years and that doing so would open up opportunities to them that would allow them to make something of themselves. On the other hand, Mississippi State gave me an engineering degree that was well respected enough for Oregon to realize they could dupe me into paying them money, and likewise it was possibly good enough to actually dupe an ignorant employer into actually offering a job to me at the time. The final deciding difference? MSU paid me about $2,000 a semester to go to school. Oregon was just take, take, take, and never gave anything back. So I say fuck the Ducks. (Refund my 3 years of law school tuition and I'll be rocking the green and neon yellow in Little Rock real quick though)
As someone who hasn't shopped in Abercrombie and Fitch in about 10 years, I was delighted to learn that they have been marketing some creative t-shirts. What lady wouldn't want one of these? Or perhaps an Abercrombie shirt saying "Gentlemen Prefer Tig Ol' Bitties"? Are the ladies with little boobs allowed to even buy these? Can you imagine the discussion going on during a board meeting over which t-shirts get the final go ahead?
CEO: "So Bob, you said you have some great ideas on a new shirt slogan?"
Bob [in extreme redneck voice, think Champ from "Anchorman"]: "Boy do I ever have some good ones, what do you think about 'Gentlemen Prefer Tig Ol' Bitties'?"
[blank stares around the table, Bob smiles ignorantly and begins giggling]
Bob: "You know, big ol' titties, but you switch the 'T' and the 'B'!"
[realization hits the rest of the members of the board as their faces morph from confusion into excitement]
CEO: "I'll be damned Bob, I thought you were out of good ideas after that 'Who Needs Brains When You Have These' t-shirts, but you always seem to out do yourself. 13 year old girls everywhere are gonna love these! What's next 'Virgins Take It In The Ass' or 'I Just Like To Soak'?"
On a personal note, I have been waiting for a pair of Abercrombie underwear that say "Who Needs Brains When You Have This". Unfortunately "this" hasn't really gotten me anywhere. Either woman aren't quite as shallow or I am not that impressive. I'm of the belief that women just aren't that shallow.
I also came to the realization today that the Tyra Banks Show is awful. I usually am still enjoying my movie for the day between 2pm and 3pm, but today I didn't have a movie to watch, so I had on the Tyra Banks Show. Whatever you think about Oprah or Dr. Phil or Montel or Ellen or Maury, Tyra is approximately 12o4 times worse. No charisma, awkward stage presence, not funny, huge forhead, lame crowd interaction. It was bad.
Speaking of Maury, today one of the best slutty daughters ever appeared on Maury. She dropped lines like "I have snuck over 100 men in my room to have sex and I don't even know half their names" and "I want to have a baby, and I'll sell my body to take care of it if I have to", and finally, "I care about me, have sex, doing drugs, and that's it". She was really a work of art. And y'all wonder why men want boys.
Finally today in Dear Abby, a distressed reader sent a letter that his wife "unknowingly" had sex with one of his brothers. Apparently they slept in different rooms while visiting his parents because she was sick, and in the middle of the night someone came in to visit her. "Thinking" it was her husband, they bumped uglies. The next day later she mention how sexy it was for him to come have sex with her in the middle of the night, to which he was baffled but managed to play it off. He confronts his 3 brothers, and they know which one of them made the midnight visit, but refuse to reveal who (pretty sketch imo). His wife still "believes" it was him who came in to satisfy her womanly needs. I mean, can this be real? Does this guy really believe his wife didn't know who it was? And furthermore, why would the wife offer up the information unless she really didn't know? Finally, we would the other brothers protect the brother who was sketchy enough to go fuck the oldest brothers wife while she was half asleep? Sounds like a case for Maury, not Abby, to me. I will say it's a pretty creative way to deny responsibility by the woman, but again we are back to why even bring it up?
After dozens of questions regarding regularity, I guess it's time to provide information to the loyal followers on Dual Action Cleanse. I expect some testimonials about how Dual Action Cleanse has made your bowel movements superb.
A healthy colon is a happy colon.
Fuck the Ducks,
The Tycoon
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Mississippi State Bulldogs v. Oregon Ducks
As a personal request, the NCAA Selection Committee matched up the Bulldogs and the Ducks in the 1st round of the NCAA Tournament. I have spent the last several hours stressing out over my cheering decision and I have no choice but to slut out my decision to my loyal followers. Please vote here, and feel free to express your reasons in the comments in order to sway me in case of a tie.
Before I head to bed (it's been a long weekend), I just want to point out possibly the best sentence ever written concerning politicians and sex scandals:
"The aide, Theodore Pedersen, said he and the couple even had a nickname for the weekly romps, from 1999 to 2001, that typically began with dinner at T.G.I. Friday's and ended with a threesome at McGreevey's condo in Woodbridge."
I think I need to start taking more couples to TGI Friday's. Nothing says 3some like a family dining spot!
Oh, and your favorite mini storage tycoon drafted perhaps the greatest fantasy baseball team ever assembled earlier tonight, and that includes an improvement over his 2006 and both 2007 owned championship teams. Some consider him to be a prodigy.
Stay classy Milwaukee,
The Tycoon
Before I head to bed (it's been a long weekend), I just want to point out possibly the best sentence ever written concerning politicians and sex scandals:
"The aide, Theodore Pedersen, said he and the couple even had a nickname for the weekly romps, from 1999 to 2001, that typically began with dinner at T.G.I. Friday's and ended with a threesome at McGreevey's condo in Woodbridge."
I think I need to start taking more couples to TGI Friday's. Nothing says 3some like a family dining spot!
Oh, and your favorite mini storage tycoon drafted perhaps the greatest fantasy baseball team ever assembled earlier tonight, and that includes an improvement over his 2006 and both 2007 owned championship teams. Some consider him to be a prodigy.
Stay classy Milwaukee,
The Tycoon
Thursday, March 13, 2008
A Starkvillan'z Guide to Starkville
With the rise in popularity of my blog, there has been a corresponding rise in the tourism industry in Starkville. Many people find the number of things to see and do in Starkville to be overwhelming, so as a native Starkvillan, I am here to tell you the things to see and do.
The Southside Hotspots
South of Starkville you will run into the MSU horse center. While you may not think it's much, just a few short weeks ago it hosted a monster truck rally, thereby etching itself permanently on my list of Starkville's must sees.
Even further south down Okton Rd. you'll find The Noxubee Refuge. Famous for late night adventures of MSU students looking to ride the back roads. The Refuge is rumored to be haunted and has several old cemeteries on site. There is pretty much no cell phone service. Once upon a time, we blew a tire in this frightening area around 2 in the morning, were forced to change the tire by the light of the headlights reflected off a CD (obviously this was the genius of The Tycoon rearing its ugly head early in his life), only to blow another tire about a 1/2 mile down the road. It was pretty creepy when you can't get any calls through for a rescue mission.
Starkville Academy is the institution where The Tycoon learned how to woo the ladies and half-ass his way to all A's. The Tycoon spent 13 years at Starkville Academy (kindergarten through 12th grade - no i didn't get held back if that's what you are thinking).
And you final stop on the Southside should be at Bulldog Mini Storage. It's the first office The Tycoon working in the early days of his tycooning. The facility is comparably smaller than the other locations, but possesses a lot of heart and overcomes its lack of units by adding a small touch of charm to your mini storaging experience.
Around the corner from Bulldog Mini Storage, you will find Starkville Discount Liquor, Starkville's only merchant of Night Train.
The Westside Hotspots
Wal-Mart dominates the western landscape and is one of Starkville's biggest tourist attractions. Every weekend, the parking lot is full of out-of-towners coming to roll back prices and see the sights at Wal-Mart. Visitors from as far away as Mathiston and Macon make the long drive to see Sam Walton's dream in action. AND IT'S A SUPERCENTER!!!!!!
The Highway 12 District
Starkville is home to the nation's premier Wendy's. You may be questioning how a Wendy's could be worth a stop, but you haven't been in this Wendy's. They have wi-fi, a coffee bar, and breakfast! The seating area is ginormous and clean. The fries are a little saltier and the bacon a little crispier. This is really a Wendy's one must experience to appreciate.
The Hunt Club is Starkville's largest night club. Hell, it's supposedly the largest night club in all of Mississippi! Many national acts that have played the Hunt Club including, most notably, Vanilla Ice, Better Than Ezra, and Cowboy Mouth! Not only that, but the Hunt Club is attached to a bowling alley. $10 gets you in the door with a plastic cup, and you can drink all night on that $10 investment. There is a karaoke bar and a dance club where you can here such current hits as "O.P.P." and "Come on Ride the Train". The beauty about The Hunt Club though is the variety of ladies it provides. No longer are you limited to cute MSU co-eds, instead you have cute MSU co-eds, ugly MSU co-eds, and the finest white trash you can find in a 50 miles radius of Starkville. You see, The Hunt Club is more than a bar, it's a lifestyle. They don't nickname it The Cu...well, you get the picture.
Brewski's is Starkville's #1 liquor store and crawfish provider. March is the best time of the year to get to Starkville and attend a good ole fashion crawfish boil, so book your flights asap! Please, someone come visit me. Anyone? Please? I'll get you into all the best crawfish boils, I swear, I know people. Just shoot me an e-mail or call before you arrive.
The Northside Hotspots
The house where The Tycoon was born and raised. An older quaint home located on a quiet street near downtown Starkville. There are no signs out front letting you know you've arrived, just the chance of catching The Tycoon's Pathfinder sitting in the driveway to let you know you are there. Perhaps you can chat around town and find a local in "the know" who can give you precise directions, as The Tycoon is a moderate celebrity around town.
Downtown Starkville is the city's business center, attracting intelligent educated young professionals from across the country. Among the national companies located downtown are...er, well none come to mind immediately, but they are there.
Starkville Mini Storage is the oldest mini storage in the stable headed by The Tycoon. See where the dream began. Sure some of the doors might be a little old and require that extra "umph" to get open, but the character of place creates a charming atmosphere that just draws you in.
Located in a run down old motel is a little dingy hippie bar called Dave's Dark Horse Tavern. Thursdays and Fridays allows you to stuff your face on a pizza buffet. Furthermore, Monday night is the perfect night to chill out with some delicious domestic drafts and enjoy MICE RACES!
Eastsiderz
The newest member to The Tycoon's empire is Bully's Lockers. Often referred to as the sexy member of The Tycoon's stable, Bully's Lockers is also located next to the MS Highway Patrol office, thus providing a splendid opportunity for a 2-in-1 stop on your Starkville tour.
Actually located just outside of Starkville on 16th Section Rd. is Sonny's BBQ. Quite possible the best BBQ sauce you'll ever consume. Now the only drawback to making a Sonny's visit is that 16th Section Rd. does tend to be the primary road for murder victims to be disposed on, so watch yourself and possibly bring you defense weapon of choice.
Well that's my Starkville tour. Plenty here to keep you busy for weeks on end, and we haven't even begun discussing area attractions like Little Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, Maben, West Point, The Crossroads, Eupora (home of Markell Patterson!), or Artesia.
And I leave you with perhaps Starkville's largest claim to fame, throwing Johnny Cash in jail for drunkenly picking flowers after a show.
Starkvillanz4lyfe,
The Tycoon
The Southside Hotspots
South of Starkville you will run into the MSU horse center. While you may not think it's much, just a few short weeks ago it hosted a monster truck rally, thereby etching itself permanently on my list of Starkville's must sees.
Even further south down Okton Rd. you'll find The Noxubee Refuge. Famous for late night adventures of MSU students looking to ride the back roads. The Refuge is rumored to be haunted and has several old cemeteries on site. There is pretty much no cell phone service. Once upon a time, we blew a tire in this frightening area around 2 in the morning, were forced to change the tire by the light of the headlights reflected off a CD (obviously this was the genius of The Tycoon rearing its ugly head early in his life), only to blow another tire about a 1/2 mile down the road. It was pretty creepy when you can't get any calls through for a rescue mission.
Starkville Academy is the institution where The Tycoon learned how to woo the ladies and half-ass his way to all A's. The Tycoon spent 13 years at Starkville Academy (kindergarten through 12th grade - no i didn't get held back if that's what you are thinking).
And you final stop on the Southside should be at Bulldog Mini Storage. It's the first office The Tycoon working in the early days of his tycooning. The facility is comparably smaller than the other locations, but possesses a lot of heart and overcomes its lack of units by adding a small touch of charm to your mini storaging experience.
Around the corner from Bulldog Mini Storage, you will find Starkville Discount Liquor, Starkville's only merchant of Night Train.
The Westside Hotspots
Wal-Mart dominates the western landscape and is one of Starkville's biggest tourist attractions. Every weekend, the parking lot is full of out-of-towners coming to roll back prices and see the sights at Wal-Mart. Visitors from as far away as Mathiston and Macon make the long drive to see Sam Walton's dream in action. AND IT'S A SUPERCENTER!!!!!!
The Highway 12 District
Starkville is home to the nation's premier Wendy's. You may be questioning how a Wendy's could be worth a stop, but you haven't been in this Wendy's. They have wi-fi, a coffee bar, and breakfast! The seating area is ginormous and clean. The fries are a little saltier and the bacon a little crispier. This is really a Wendy's one must experience to appreciate.
The Hunt Club is Starkville's largest night club. Hell, it's supposedly the largest night club in all of Mississippi! Many national acts that have played the Hunt Club including, most notably, Vanilla Ice, Better Than Ezra, and Cowboy Mouth! Not only that, but the Hunt Club is attached to a bowling alley. $10 gets you in the door with a plastic cup, and you can drink all night on that $10 investment. There is a karaoke bar and a dance club where you can here such current hits as "O.P.P." and "Come on Ride the Train". The beauty about The Hunt Club though is the variety of ladies it provides. No longer are you limited to cute MSU co-eds, instead you have cute MSU co-eds, ugly MSU co-eds, and the finest white trash you can find in a 50 miles radius of Starkville. You see, The Hunt Club is more than a bar, it's a lifestyle. They don't nickname it The Cu...well, you get the picture.
Brewski's is Starkville's #1 liquor store and crawfish provider. March is the best time of the year to get to Starkville and attend a good ole fashion crawfish boil, so book your flights asap! Please, someone come visit me. Anyone? Please? I'll get you into all the best crawfish boils, I swear, I know people. Just shoot me an e-mail or call before you arrive.
The Northside Hotspots
The house where The Tycoon was born and raised. An older quaint home located on a quiet street near downtown Starkville. There are no signs out front letting you know you've arrived, just the chance of catching The Tycoon's Pathfinder sitting in the driveway to let you know you are there. Perhaps you can chat around town and find a local in "the know" who can give you precise directions, as The Tycoon is a moderate celebrity around town.
Downtown Starkville is the city's business center, attracting intelligent educated young professionals from across the country. Among the national companies located downtown are...er, well none come to mind immediately, but they are there.
Starkville Mini Storage is the oldest mini storage in the stable headed by The Tycoon. See where the dream began. Sure some of the doors might be a little old and require that extra "umph" to get open, but the character of place creates a charming atmosphere that just draws you in.
Located in a run down old motel is a little dingy hippie bar called Dave's Dark Horse Tavern. Thursdays and Fridays allows you to stuff your face on a pizza buffet. Furthermore, Monday night is the perfect night to chill out with some delicious domestic drafts and enjoy MICE RACES!
Eastsiderz
The newest member to The Tycoon's empire is Bully's Lockers. Often referred to as the sexy member of The Tycoon's stable, Bully's Lockers is also located next to the MS Highway Patrol office, thus providing a splendid opportunity for a 2-in-1 stop on your Starkville tour.
Actually located just outside of Starkville on 16th Section Rd. is Sonny's BBQ. Quite possible the best BBQ sauce you'll ever consume. Now the only drawback to making a Sonny's visit is that 16th Section Rd. does tend to be the primary road for murder victims to be disposed on, so watch yourself and possibly bring you defense weapon of choice.
Well that's my Starkville tour. Plenty here to keep you busy for weeks on end, and we haven't even begun discussing area attractions like Little Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, Maben, West Point, The Crossroads, Eupora (home of Markell Patterson!), or Artesia.
And I leave you with perhaps Starkville's largest claim to fame, throwing Johnny Cash in jail for drunkenly picking flowers after a show.
Starkvillanz4lyfe,
The Tycoon
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Mounting Pressure and My First T-Shirt
With a much needed break from blogging last night, I was bombarded with angry followers looking for their Tycoon fill. I do apologize for an unannounced night off, but I have too much integrity to post a sub par blogging. It would be an insult to my intelligently superior followers. But knowing that so many followers are eagerly awaiting each new post is a bit overwhelming and puts the pressure on me to continue to outperform myself. I have resorted to substance abuse to deal with the need to constantly outdo myself. I am thisclose to pulling a Dave Chappelle and disappearing into Africa for 6 months. On the bright side, knowing my musings are such a delight to so many and a major part of their lives has led me into investigating ways to supplement my tycooning income. I am currently in the process of designing a Tycoon clothing line and just finished my first t-shirt design. Without further ado, here it is, my first t-shirt:
The Front (centered on the chest)
The Back (centered on the back)
Please leave your orders in the comments section. The initial printing of the shirts will likely be on white, but other colors may be discussed.
I'll leave y'all today with a short musing about my uncle. I cannot figure out how he and I came from the same gene pool. He works at the mini storages because he couldn't get work doing anything else (ok, so are we similar in some ways) and begged his way to getting work. On the days we both work, we usually eat lunch at my grandmother's house, and over the past nearly 2 months I have been blown away by him (not that he wasn't like this before, it's just seeing him much more regularly than before has open my eyes even more). He wears overalls and the ugliest fucking shirts ever every.single.day. He prefers to communicate in a serious of unintelligible grunts and redneck muttering that makes Boomhauer sound well-spoken. He likes to cheer for Ole Miss despite being from Starkville and never going to Ole Miss, or any college for that matter. It probably is because of their history in waving the confederate flag. The other day he had on an Ole Miss visor turned backwards...and he probably wore it that way sitting in the office all day. Just last year he spent a month sick and laying in bed refusing to go to the hospital because he didn't have health insurance nor the money to pay for a huge hospital bill. He is the ideal person who should be very pro any kind of national health care program, but he's too ignorant to realize that these "liberals" might be the way to go for someone making $35,000 a year and without health insurance. But then he'd have to vote with the majority of black people, and white trash tend to be racists because it makes them feel like they are at least better than somebody. So much so, that he'd rather lie in bed feeling like Hell for a month not knowing what is causing his illness instead of voting with "them". I mean, have a good reason for picking your side dumbshit, whether it's the Republican or Democratic side. He's not even religious, so he can't even play the religion card. He revels in his ignorance and doesn't even have the tact to give off an attempt at decency. While he eats lunch, he sounds like Mr. Ed eating a fucking apple, and then he starts making some noise like a cat coughing up a hairball at the table. He's loud. This is about the time I'm ready to stab him in the throat with my knife. All in all, he is the reason that the southern redneck stereotype exists. I have never seen such a perfect storm of everything repulsive rolled into one human being...and we can from the same gene pool. God knows how much business he costs the mini storage empire by revolting potential renters. When I am in sole control the mini storages, such charity cases will not be supported. I got an empire to expand.
Finally, tonight I saw "Semi-Pro". Don't go see it. Shawn, I am never believing you when you say a movie with Will Ferrell "has to have a couple of funny parts". Although, attending the movie did allow me to scope out the next terrible movie by someone who used to be in funny movies. I present to you Mike Myers' "The Love Guru":
Really, who greenlights this shit? Of course 2 chicks behind us thought "Semi-Pro" was funny.
Stay Classy Starkville,
The Tycoon
The Front (centered on the chest)
The Back (centered on the back)
Please leave your orders in the comments section. The initial printing of the shirts will likely be on white, but other colors may be discussed.
I'll leave y'all today with a short musing about my uncle. I cannot figure out how he and I came from the same gene pool. He works at the mini storages because he couldn't get work doing anything else (ok, so are we similar in some ways) and begged his way to getting work. On the days we both work, we usually eat lunch at my grandmother's house, and over the past nearly 2 months I have been blown away by him (not that he wasn't like this before, it's just seeing him much more regularly than before has open my eyes even more). He wears overalls and the ugliest fucking shirts ever every.single.day. He prefers to communicate in a serious of unintelligible grunts and redneck muttering that makes Boomhauer sound well-spoken. He likes to cheer for Ole Miss despite being from Starkville and never going to Ole Miss, or any college for that matter. It probably is because of their history in waving the confederate flag. The other day he had on an Ole Miss visor turned backwards...and he probably wore it that way sitting in the office all day. Just last year he spent a month sick and laying in bed refusing to go to the hospital because he didn't have health insurance nor the money to pay for a huge hospital bill. He is the ideal person who should be very pro any kind of national health care program, but he's too ignorant to realize that these "liberals" might be the way to go for someone making $35,000 a year and without health insurance. But then he'd have to vote with the majority of black people, and white trash tend to be racists because it makes them feel like they are at least better than somebody. So much so, that he'd rather lie in bed feeling like Hell for a month not knowing what is causing his illness instead of voting with "them". I mean, have a good reason for picking your side dumbshit, whether it's the Republican or Democratic side. He's not even religious, so he can't even play the religion card. He revels in his ignorance and doesn't even have the tact to give off an attempt at decency. While he eats lunch, he sounds like Mr. Ed eating a fucking apple, and then he starts making some noise like a cat coughing up a hairball at the table. He's loud. This is about the time I'm ready to stab him in the throat with my knife. All in all, he is the reason that the southern redneck stereotype exists. I have never seen such a perfect storm of everything repulsive rolled into one human being...and we can from the same gene pool. God knows how much business he costs the mini storage empire by revolting potential renters. When I am in sole control the mini storages, such charity cases will not be supported. I got an empire to expand.
Finally, tonight I saw "Semi-Pro". Don't go see it. Shawn, I am never believing you when you say a movie with Will Ferrell "has to have a couple of funny parts". Although, attending the movie did allow me to scope out the next terrible movie by someone who used to be in funny movies. I present to you Mike Myers' "The Love Guru":
Really, who greenlights this shit? Of course 2 chicks behind us thought "Semi-Pro" was funny.
Stay Classy Starkville,
The Tycoon
Monday, March 10, 2008
Tapered Leg Jeans
As I stared at the jeans of the guy in front of me at the grocery store I couldn't help but wonder "Why do guys wear tapered leg jeans?". While standing there I thought about my personal fashion history where I diverged paths from tapered leg jeans, and I came up with an estimate around the age of 12, or basically when i became old enough to evaluate the way clothes looked on me. For the life of me, I have yet to be able to figure out why any guy would still wear tapered leg jeans. Ever. Who even thought that tapered leg jeans would be a good idea? They aren't slim fit "hipster" jeans", nor are they baggy jeans. They aren't even boot cut. They bunch up around you knees and hips and fit snuggly around your ankles. They make you appear feet shorted than your actual height, not to mention the disproportionate width they make your hips look. Not that I stand around checking out dudes in tapered leg jeans or anything. Does anyone really want to persuade me that these are cool? (Britton and Matt Ellis please don't comment, we know of your affinity for the tapered leg look) Might as well get those acid washed. Of course, I'm not the best looking or most successful tycoon in the room, so I relish the fact that so many people think that tapered leg jeans are in style (and don't even get me started on sweet bulky hiking boots). It gives this tycoon a leg up on the ladies in attendance.
In other news, Chad Kroeger of Nickelback sucks his own dick, and Obama and Hilary battle ove...wait, CHAD KROEGER OF NICKELBACK SUCKS HIS OWN DICK?!?! Yes, loyal followers, he gives himself head:
Chad Kroeger of Nickelback told Playboy Magazine that he learned how to suck his own dick after someone dared him to for a case of beer.
I am not gonna lie, I spend many hours idling in the mini storages attempting to do the same thing, but I'd never go public with such personal information. There was one day that a renter pulled up as i had both legs behind my head and inches away form reaching my goal, but as I was nearing completion of my goal, I heard the sound of a car door shutting and throw out my back un-pretzeling myself to prevent from sending a poor unsuspecting renter into shock. I mean, I feel Chad's pain, as I have found myself in desperate need for a beer, but wouldn't it be much easier to just blow the other guy instead of hyperextending yourself to suck your own dick? A dick is a dick right? I'd like to hear from other readers who have sucked their own dicks, or at least made a valiant attempt to do it.
I wonder if Chad sings this to all the boys to tell them that their wiener reminds him of his own?
Finally, I have a disappointing turnout thus far for my Tycoontest. I am extending the deadline and look forward to hearing from interested Tycoontists in living the life of The Tycoon for a week.
Until Next Time,
The Tycoon
In other news, Chad Kroeger of Nickelback sucks his own dick, and Obama and Hilary battle ove...wait, CHAD KROEGER OF NICKELBACK SUCKS HIS OWN DICK?!?! Yes, loyal followers, he gives himself head:
Chad Kroeger of Nickelback told Playboy Magazine that he learned how to suck his own dick after someone dared him to for a case of beer.
I am not gonna lie, I spend many hours idling in the mini storages attempting to do the same thing, but I'd never go public with such personal information. There was one day that a renter pulled up as i had both legs behind my head and inches away form reaching my goal, but as I was nearing completion of my goal, I heard the sound of a car door shutting and throw out my back un-pretzeling myself to prevent from sending a poor unsuspecting renter into shock. I mean, I feel Chad's pain, as I have found myself in desperate need for a beer, but wouldn't it be much easier to just blow the other guy instead of hyperextending yourself to suck your own dick? A dick is a dick right? I'd like to hear from other readers who have sucked their own dicks, or at least made a valiant attempt to do it.
I wonder if Chad sings this to all the boys to tell them that their wiener reminds him of his own?
Finally, I have a disappointing turnout thus far for my Tycoontest. I am extending the deadline and look forward to hearing from interested Tycoontists in living the life of The Tycoon for a week.
Until Next Time,
The Tycoon
Sunday, March 9, 2008
A Day In The Life
Many loyal followers have expressed interest in a typical day of The Tycoon. Well you are in luck. Here goes:
8 a.m.
Wake up, and immediately assaulted by Other Kitty in search of food, as during the night her pregnant ass has licked the bowl clean. Lint is coolly waiting in the hallway, refusing to stoop to the levels of begging, and instead allowing Other Kitty to lower herself, while he reaps the benefits. I usually have to pee upon waking, but find the chore difficult unless I first feed Other Kitty and Lint. Other Kitty is undaunted by the stream of pee exiting my body and will sometimes attempt to climb onto the toilet to get my attention. This creates much excitement as Other Kitty tediously balances on the toilet bowl lip and I am already performing the difficult task peeing into the toilet when you first wake up and now I am having to aim around Other Kitty.
8:15 a.m.
Eat some breakfast, check e-mail, watch a little Sportscenter.
8:55 a.m.
Leave the house to start tycooning for the day. Lint usually leaves the house too, undoubtedly to go pimp bitches without the threat of any bastard children given his lack of balls.
9 a.m.
Settle into the office chair with the Clarion Ledger and began looking for blogging inspirations. I remove inspirations from the paper and make notes for blogging later.
9:30 a.m.
Postpone blogging preparation for the Family Feud.
10 a.m.
The Price is Right begins. I semi-return to my blogging preparation and roll my eyes whenever Drew Carey giggles like a 12 year old Asian girl.
11 a.m.
I get excited about the chance to exercise my brain with Jeopardy. If Jeopardy eliminated all the old history categories I think I would stand a chance, as is I always run the table on the pop culture or sports related category that the actual contestants can't answer. Also around this time I receive a text message from Scott who supposedly has a law firm job in Nashville but manages to never go into work before 11 a.m. and then spends 3/4 of his afternoon texting 18 year old freshmen ladies from the University of Tennessee. He likes to rub it in that I have more responsibilities as a mini storage tycoon than he does as a first year associate. I'm gonna laugh when he gets fired.
Noon
Lunch time! :)
1 p.m.
Back to the mini storages. :( The television early in the afternoons is quite lackluster. When I began tycooning, I had fallen behind on my stories, and I have resisted becoming tied by into the life of Bo, John, Marlena, and the rest of Days of Our Lives. It took me years to move on with my life, and with tycooning responsibilities overwhelming me, I can ill afford to become intertwined in their saga again. Therefore I usually spend the early afternoon hours watching a Netflix DVD on my portable DVD player.
3 p.m.
By this time my DVD has usually ended and I venture to the mailbox to grab the mini storage mail. If it's around the first of the month, we are hammered with mountains of payments, but otherwise the mail consists of flyers regarding national mini storage conferences (which I am tentatively planning on attending this year) and bills that can't be delivered to the renters because they moved and left no forwarding address. This is were mini storage tycooning briefly ventures into mini storage sleuthing, as I spend the next few minutes making phone calls and hunting down the vile vermin who are on the run to avoid their mini storage payments.
3:30 p.m.
My sleuthing is usually finished by this time and I choose whether to watch Dr. Phil or Montel. I base my decision on which host has the most awesome life story. Did you know Dr. Phil have some chick on who had battled anorexia for 15 years and weighed 60 lbs? I bet not because all your jobs suck!
4 p.m.
MAURY TIME!!!!!!! I love Maury because he's everything Jerry Springer used to be before fake cat fights, contrived chanting, and bad actors. I often use Maury for inspiration in finalizing my blogging plans for the night.
5 p.m.
Time to head home! Lint is usually waiting for me at the front door as he's exhausted from from whoring himself out. Upon entering the house, Other Kitty greets us with begs for more food, as she has cleaned the bowls out. Have you ever heard a hungry cat eat? Sounds like a horse.
6 p.m.
Watch basketball.
7:30 p.m.
Go lock mini storage gates, undoubtedly causing me to miss the end of a splendid basketball game that I've been watching since 6. I use my alone time in the care to ponder the final touches on my nightly blog entry.
8:15 p.m.
I arrive home and battling Other Kitty for my dinner. She's pretty damn fiesty.
9 p.m.
Begin blogging.
11 p.m.
Finish blogging, and begin negotiating fantasy baseball moves and draft strategies.
1 a.m.
X-FILES!
2 a.m.
Bed time.
And repeat.
Well loyal followers, that's it. That's my day. I know, it's a lot of responsibilities, but that's the life of The Tycoon. I would love to find time in my life for a lovely lady, but my responsibilities right now prevent me from anything more serious than a casual Starkville fling at the moment, and even then, the sheer number of single Starkville ladies seeking to get their hands on my TycoonEstate makes even casual affairs impossible. Alas, the life of a mini storage is inherently lonely and a life I have chosen to live.
And before I go, I am gonna leave my loyal followers with a helpful hint with the ladies...and don't worry, I have 10 of them for you. These are tips from a lady that I feel need to passed along to the male followers who are struggling to satisfy their ladies. By the time these are finished, you will no longer have issues with the opposite sex:
1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.
Any lady followers care to disagree with this assessment? I would like to open a discussion forum for my followers to communicate their feelings and beliefs so that the male followers are better suited to please the female followers. Godspeed to all the men out there looking to put these suggestions into practice.
Until Next Time,
The Tycoon
8 a.m.
Wake up, and immediately assaulted by Other Kitty in search of food, as during the night her pregnant ass has licked the bowl clean. Lint is coolly waiting in the hallway, refusing to stoop to the levels of begging, and instead allowing Other Kitty to lower herself, while he reaps the benefits. I usually have to pee upon waking, but find the chore difficult unless I first feed Other Kitty and Lint. Other Kitty is undaunted by the stream of pee exiting my body and will sometimes attempt to climb onto the toilet to get my attention. This creates much excitement as Other Kitty tediously balances on the toilet bowl lip and I am already performing the difficult task peeing into the toilet when you first wake up and now I am having to aim around Other Kitty.
8:15 a.m.
Eat some breakfast, check e-mail, watch a little Sportscenter.
8:55 a.m.
Leave the house to start tycooning for the day. Lint usually leaves the house too, undoubtedly to go pimp bitches without the threat of any bastard children given his lack of balls.
9 a.m.
Settle into the office chair with the Clarion Ledger and began looking for blogging inspirations. I remove inspirations from the paper and make notes for blogging later.
9:30 a.m.
Postpone blogging preparation for the Family Feud.
10 a.m.
The Price is Right begins. I semi-return to my blogging preparation and roll my eyes whenever Drew Carey giggles like a 12 year old Asian girl.
11 a.m.
I get excited about the chance to exercise my brain with Jeopardy. If Jeopardy eliminated all the old history categories I think I would stand a chance, as is I always run the table on the pop culture or sports related category that the actual contestants can't answer. Also around this time I receive a text message from Scott who supposedly has a law firm job in Nashville but manages to never go into work before 11 a.m. and then spends 3/4 of his afternoon texting 18 year old freshmen ladies from the University of Tennessee. He likes to rub it in that I have more responsibilities as a mini storage tycoon than he does as a first year associate. I'm gonna laugh when he gets fired.
Noon
Lunch time! :)
1 p.m.
Back to the mini storages. :( The television early in the afternoons is quite lackluster. When I began tycooning, I had fallen behind on my stories, and I have resisted becoming tied by into the life of Bo, John, Marlena, and the rest of Days of Our Lives. It took me years to move on with my life, and with tycooning responsibilities overwhelming me, I can ill afford to become intertwined in their saga again. Therefore I usually spend the early afternoon hours watching a Netflix DVD on my portable DVD player.
3 p.m.
By this time my DVD has usually ended and I venture to the mailbox to grab the mini storage mail. If it's around the first of the month, we are hammered with mountains of payments, but otherwise the mail consists of flyers regarding national mini storage conferences (which I am tentatively planning on attending this year) and bills that can't be delivered to the renters because they moved and left no forwarding address. This is were mini storage tycooning briefly ventures into mini storage sleuthing, as I spend the next few minutes making phone calls and hunting down the vile vermin who are on the run to avoid their mini storage payments.
3:30 p.m.
My sleuthing is usually finished by this time and I choose whether to watch Dr. Phil or Montel. I base my decision on which host has the most awesome life story. Did you know Dr. Phil have some chick on who had battled anorexia for 15 years and weighed 60 lbs? I bet not because all your jobs suck!
4 p.m.
MAURY TIME!!!!!!! I love Maury because he's everything Jerry Springer used to be before fake cat fights, contrived chanting, and bad actors. I often use Maury for inspiration in finalizing my blogging plans for the night.
5 p.m.
Time to head home! Lint is usually waiting for me at the front door as he's exhausted from from whoring himself out. Upon entering the house, Other Kitty greets us with begs for more food, as she has cleaned the bowls out. Have you ever heard a hungry cat eat? Sounds like a horse.
6 p.m.
Watch basketball.
7:30 p.m.
Go lock mini storage gates, undoubtedly causing me to miss the end of a splendid basketball game that I've been watching since 6. I use my alone time in the care to ponder the final touches on my nightly blog entry.
8:15 p.m.
I arrive home and battling Other Kitty for my dinner. She's pretty damn fiesty.
9 p.m.
Begin blogging.
11 p.m.
Finish blogging, and begin negotiating fantasy baseball moves and draft strategies.
1 a.m.
X-FILES!
2 a.m.
Bed time.
And repeat.
Well loyal followers, that's it. That's my day. I know, it's a lot of responsibilities, but that's the life of The Tycoon. I would love to find time in my life for a lovely lady, but my responsibilities right now prevent me from anything more serious than a casual Starkville fling at the moment, and even then, the sheer number of single Starkville ladies seeking to get their hands on my TycoonEstate makes even casual affairs impossible. Alas, the life of a mini storage is inherently lonely and a life I have chosen to live.
And before I go, I am gonna leave my loyal followers with a helpful hint with the ladies...and don't worry, I have 10 of them for you. These are tips from a lady that I feel need to passed along to the male followers who are struggling to satisfy their ladies. By the time these are finished, you will no longer have issues with the opposite sex:
1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.
Any lady followers care to disagree with this assessment? I would like to open a discussion forum for my followers to communicate their feelings and beliefs so that the male followers are better suited to please the female followers. Godspeed to all the men out there looking to put these suggestions into practice.
Until Next Time,
The Tycoon
Saturday, March 8, 2008
I'm A Survivor!!
Miraculously I made it through the night, and my fire built out of the kitchen table did not spread through my room. I may have some smoke inhalation issues, but that's a small price to pay to have survived the nightmare of 1-2" of snow. I just hope that too many lives weren't claimed.
The Tycoon
The Tycoon
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