The Musings of an Unemployed Patent Attorney and an ex-Mini Storage Tycoon

New Music and Not Much Else

2008-10-23T11:33:00.001-07:00

Life is going OK now. We all know blogs about happy people kinda suck. Here's some music. I'll be bitter and angry again soon enough.

Tycoon Tunes: Scintillating Songs of 2006, Vol. 1
http://www.mediafire.com/?mamzqjnzyno

1. The Fiery Furnaces - Benton Harbor Blues
2. Ghostface Killah - The Champ
3. Clipse - Chinese New Year
4. Scissor Sisters - I Don't Fell Like Dancin'
5. The Legends - Heart
6. Yo La Tengo - Mr. Tough
7. The Flaming Lips - Free Radicals
8. The Black Neon - Ralph & Barbara
9. Visioneers - Ike's Mood I
10. Curse ov Dialect - Forger
11. Boris w/ Michio Kurihara - Rainbow
12. Tunng - Woodcat
13. William Elliott Whitmore - Dry
14. Six Organ of Admittance - Black Wall
15. Valet - Blood Is Clean
16. Liars - Let's Not Wrestle Mt. Heart Attack
17. TV on the Radio - Playhouses
18. TV on the Radio - Wold Like Me

Tycoon Tunes: Scintillating Songs of 2006, Vol. 2
http://www.mediafire.com/?mkzy4gg1vlj

1. Johnny Cash - God' Gonna Cut You Down
2. Juana Molina - La Verdad
3. Pavement - False Skorpion
4. Yo La Tengo - Pass the Hatchet, I Think I'm Goodkind
5. Teddybears - Punkrocker
6. The Knife - We Share Out Mother's Health
7. Hot Chip - Boys From School
8. Fujiya & Miyagi - Ankle Injuries
9. Animal Collective - People
10. Aa - Good Ship
11. Ol' Dirty Bastard featuring Missy Elliot - Lift Ya Skirt
12. Ghostface Killah featuring Raekwon - Kilo
13. Thom Yorke - Harrowdown Hill
14. Subtle - Midas Gutz
15. Swan Lake - All Fires
16. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Cheated Hearts
17. Belle & Sebastian - Sukie in the Graveyard
18. Drive-By Truckers - A World of Hurt

Tycoon Tunes: Scintillating Songs of 2006, Vol. 3
http://www.mediafire.com/?wzontggddey

1. Sunset Rubdown - Stadiums and Shrines II
2. Frightened Rabbit - Music Now
3. Boris w/ Michio Kurihara - Rafflesia
4. Sigur Rós - Hafsól
5. Howlin' Rain - Calling Lightning with a Scythe
6. Pavement - Kris Kraft
7. Drive-By Truckers - Aftermath USA
8. Califone - A Chinese Actor
9. Hot Chip - The Warning
10. The High Violets - Cool Green
11. The Knife - Silent Shout
12. Ghostface Killah featuring Cappadonna, Shawn Wigs & Trife - Jellyfish
13. Yo La Tengo - The Room Got Heavy
14. Beirut - Postcards From Italy
15. Swan Lake - Are You Simming In Her Pools?
16. Benoît Pioulard - Ash into the Sky
17. The Fiery Furnaces - Benton Harbor Blues Again

Success

2008-09-20T15:03:00.001-07:00

–noun

1.	the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors.

2.	the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.

3.	a successful performance or achievement: The play was an instant success.

4.	a person or thing that is successful: She was a great success on the talk show.

5. the opposite of The Tycoon

The rumors are true Loyal Followers, The Tycoon is unemployed (again). The mini storages have been bought out and I was deemed unworthy of continued employment. Perhaps it was my incessant desire (need?) to watch my favorite porn movies* on my computer everyday. Or maybe it was my failed attempts to woo mini storage renters into entering a personal relationship with me. But probably it was due to the fact that I just didn't care about showing up until 15 minutes late everyday. I think they could tell my love for mini storaging was waning as the economy was making it apparent a worldwide domination was further away than I was willing to wait. But seriously. I was laid off from mini storages. Does life get any lower?

*Don't judge me. It's an addiction. If I was employed, I'd be joining David Duchovny in rehab for my addiction. Though I must admit when I heard he was going to rehad for a "sex addiction" I was pretty disappointed it was because he liked porn. Being that he's a famous actor and used to bang Scully behind the scenes on the X-Files, I was hoping that his addiction would be something much more exotic than porn. Anyone can be addicted to porn. Only famous men can actually have enough random sex that it qualifies as an "addiction". Yet David seems to not even be using him famous man powers, instead just sneaking out of bed to watch some late night porn on the computer like any other common guy. Bummer.

Monday I will venture to Starkville's unemployment office to see if I qualify. I hope Obama wins the election, cause all they keep telling me he'll be on the corner with a stack of $100s so that I won't have to work!! Keep your fingers crossed for The Tycoon as he aimlessly wanders through life searching for all the right answers.

Dear Lint,

2008-09-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

I am sorry about referring to you as an "asshole" in my last post. I meant it as a term of endearment, not that I thought you were actually one. I am sorry about that time I called you fat. I know you were just big boned and had a lot of fur. I am sorry about the time I caught you and Other Kitty making love and embarrassed you. But most of all, I am sorry I never told you I loved you.

There is an empty shoebox in my heart and by the foot of my bed waiting for you to return. It's lonely being at home now with Other Kitty and Bobblehead Greg Oden as my only remaining friends. I need you.

Love,
The Tycoon

Loyal followers, we will be holding a candlelight vigil on the MSU drill field Friday September 18, 2008, at 9 pm. Please come out and show your support for Lint's return.

And because I said I'd provide them...say "hello" to the initial installment of Tycoon Tunes. The files are all 128 AAC for optimal iPod/iTunes compatibility. If you want to bitch about less than optimal quality: "fuck you". Also, each tracklisting has been carefully crafted to maximize listening experience.

Tycoon Tunes: Jamming Beats from 2007, Vol. 1

http://www.mediafire.com/?wtjyxguiu0m

1. Panda Bear - Comfy in Nautica
2. Justice - D.A.N.C.E.
3. No Age - Everybody's Down
4. Devo - Watch Us Work It
5. Au - Boute <~~~ sweet Portland band for those of you West Coasters to peep
6. Phosphorescent - Wolves
7. Ryan Adams & the Cardinals - If I Am a Stranger
8. King Khan & the Shrines - Welfare Bread
9. LCD Soundsystem - North American Scum
10. Busdriver - Casting Agents and Cowgirls
11. C Rayz Walz & Sharkey - Electric Avenue
12. Les Savy Fav - Patty Lee
13. Animal Collective - For Reverand Green
14. A Place to Bury Strangers - Missing You
15. Radiohead - Reckoner
16. Ultra Orange & Emmanuelle - Don't Kiss Me Goodbye
17. Handsome Furs - Dead + Rural
18. Ulrich Schnauss - A Song About Hope

Tycoon Tunes: Jamming Beats from 2007, Vol. 2

http://www.mediafire.com/?d1mtol5jggo

1. Jens Lekman - And I Remember Every Kiss
2. Avey Tare & Kira Brekken - Lay Lay Off, Fosalem
3. Au Revoir Simone - Night Majestic
4. Amon Tobin - Esther's
5. Dälek - Paragraphs Relentless
6. Boris with Merzbow - Pink (live)
7. Psychedelic Horseshit - Nothing Is Revealed <~~~~~~~~ best band name ever
8. Times New Viking - Hiding in Machines
9. Carsick Cars - Zhong Nan Hai <~~~~~~~~~~ best Chinese band on the planet
10. Sonic Youth - I'm Not There
11. Liars - Pure Unevil
12. Animal Collective - Fireworks
13. Ryan Adams - Everybody Knows
14. Samamidon - Little Satchel
15. Tinariwen - Matadjem Yinmixan
16. The Fiery Furnaces - Clear Signal from Cairo
17. Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings - Answer Me
18. Okkervil River - Title Track

Tycoon Tunes: Jamming Beats from 2007, Vol. 3

http://www.mediafire.com/?d2nntnndjuf

1. No Age - Every Artist Needs a Tragedy
2. Of Montreal - Suffer for Fashion
3. Wooden Shjips - We Ask You To Ride <~~~~~~ yes the band name is spelled right
4. Chromeo - Tenderoni
5. Liars - Houseclouds
6. Panda Bear - Take Pills
7. Architecture in Helsinki - Hold Me
8. Björk - Innocence
9. Jens Lekman - A Postcard To Nina <~~~~~ this song = \m/
10. The Wombats - Lost in the Post
11. Los Campesinos! - You! Me! Dancing! <~~~~~~ really does make you want to dance
12. Black Diamond Heavies - White Bitch
13. Radiohead - Bangers & Mash
14. Arcade Fire - (Antichrist Television Blues)
15. Farah - Law of Life <~~~~~~~ my jam
16. Electrelance - Five
17. Antony & The Johnsons - Knockin' on Heaven's Door <~~~~~~ this version of this song would make Jesus cry...seriously.

Leave ratings for my Tycoon Tunes in the comments. Just remember to go easy on me, having a better music taste than you is all I got.

Come home Lint.

The Tycoon

An APB For Lint!!

2008-09-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Loyal followers! I have a dire situation! Lint has disappeared! No seriously, I haven't seen him since late Sunday/early Monday. I am putting together a search team to scour the neighborhood tonight. Please report to my house ASAP if you can participate. And if you want to look for Lint solo, he is often aloof and indifferent and quite frankly a bit of an asshole. In other words, most chicks would find him attractive, so if you see a lot of hot pussies hanging around, Lint is probably there pimping. Here is a recent photo of Lint:

In other news, I have gotten behind on my renewed blogging due to my participation in an online NCAA 2009 XBOX 360 Dynasty with 3 other loser...i mean gamers. Among them: James Taylor (yes, that James Taylor):

Brad Miller (yes, that Brad Miller):

nice rows Brad.

And Cullen.

Little does anyone know that I have battled through over half this season with not 1, but 2 severe paper cuts to my thumbs. At times I have had to use my big toes amongst other body parts on the joysticks due to my thumbs being in such agony. Despite these injuries and setbacks, I have managed to finish the season with the North Carolina Tar Heels 7-5, better than the the pre-seasons top 25 Wake Forest Demon Deacons Piloted by Brad Miller. Not once did I complain about my injuries, even when pressured by James Taylor, Brad Miller, and Cullen to get in my game, because when it comes down to it, football players are tough and so are their leaders.

Finally, I know I said I have some mixtapes coming, and I really do, but my external hard drive is PMSing, so we gotta get her in order.

The Tycoon

::sigh:: I Am Tiring Of The Mini Storage

2008-08-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

Loyal Followers, I have a confession. I am growing increasingly annoyed and tired of the Mini Storages. Whether it be the incoherent babble of renters ("What's your last name?" "Smfph" "Excuse me?" "Smfph" "Is that SMITH?"), repeated ignorant phone call conversations with potential renters ("What size do you need?" "I don't know" "Well, how much stuff you got?" "I don't know, couple boxes and a tv" "So you don't need a big one then?"), or the prevalence goodies the Mini Storage Fairy has felt necessary to gift me ("Sweet, another broken mirror in the drive way!"). Why can't I spend an afternoon casually glancing at patent bar notes, setting records on expert level minesweeper, and fighting cancer? Is that too much to ask? Why do you need a receipt when you write a check?

Quick, pick a number between 1 and 25, leave your choice in the comments. I'll get back to you with what it means.

So to break the monotony the Tycoon is going to begin making mixes of his favorite songs. Each mix is going to be broken up by years and be 1-2 discs worth of material. I will upload the albums to www.mediafire.com in rar format. What you need to do is download the trial version of WinRar. Whenever they ask if you want to register it, just click "Close" and the box goes away. When you download a Tycoon Mix, WinRar should automatically open. Just highlight (click once) on the file, then click the "Extract" option on the tool bar. You can then pick the folder you want to extract the folder into. Upload into iTunes and \m/. I will continue this as long as I got quality stuff to upload, or until the RIAA throws me in jail and takes all my money and assets (HAHA), or Ghostface Killah puts a bullet in my face for uploading his music.

I am doing this for the primary reason of putting on my music snobbiness on display. But don't judge me, just realize it's really all I got to hold on to that makes me feel better than you. Throw me a bone and tell me about how that techno-ambient-downtempo 30 minute track from 1978 is the greatest thing you've ever heard.

The Tycoon

Other Kitty: The Cock Blocker

2008-08-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

In a disturbing trend, Other Kitty has begun laying across the keyboard of my laptop. She sometimes also lays across it when it's closed. This is disturbing because I believe that Other Kitty has become jealous of my porn addiction, and she is trying to either (a) fuck up my computer by stepping/laying on as many buttons at once as possible, (b) keep me from accessing my go to site, (c) get my attention on her instead of my 2-dimensional beauties, or (d) some combo of the above. It's becoming a problem that needs to be remedied ASAP. This is a recent development in the last week or 2, but a quickly escalating point of contention in our owner-pet relationship. Though considering Other Kitty has experience living in the forest, she is hardly daunted by the threats of imprisonment in the local Human Society. I am really at a lost as to the best method of handling this tedious situation. I don't want to hurt Other Kitty.

The Tycoon needs to ponder this one for a while.

The Mini Storage Tycoon: Scamming Rent Since January 2008

2008-08-14T19:33:00.000-07:00

I've been outed loyal followers. Today in an unfortunate turn of events yours truly was accused (rightfully?) of pilfering rent money from poor unsuspecting renters. Here's how the scam goes down:

1) Pick a renter who appears to be an idiot.
2) Convince them to pay for several months in cash.
3) Only indicate on the receipt that they paid for 1 month's rent.
4) If caught, profusely apologize and rewrite proper receipt, and find new target.
5) If not caught, pocket the cash that's over the amount of 1 month's rent.
6) Indicate in the files and in the deposit books that only 1 month's rent was paid, therefore giving you 3 pieces of evidence supporting your contention that said renter only paid 1 month's rent.
7) If necessary, deny deny deny!

Well, today I was caught. A tubby claims she paid for 2 months' rent at the end of June and should not be due until the end of August. Thankfully I have skillfully altered the records to show that she only paid for 1 month's rent. Y'all should have seen her. Tears. Yelling. Red faces. Oh, it was glorious. The entire scene was punctuated by her repeatedly saying she was gonna pay the bill, but she was "getting her shit and moving it elsewhere" and actually accusing me of "running a scam". Fuck yes bitch, I am running a scam, I got loans to pay off and you are worried about how much of your parents' money I skim off the top?

So one of the downsides to being in a small town is that you often get labeled as something. Sometimes it's flattering, sometimes not so much. I am officially "the storage guy" of Starkville now. Some of you might be "the whore" or "the asshole" or "the manslut" of your small town, but nothing compares to the pride I felt when I walked in the bar a few weeks ago, took about 3 steps, and heard "Hey! Your my storage guy!" Soon a totally awesome dude in a tight Affliction tshirt and a white flat-brimmed, oversized baseball hat is slapping me high 5s as I enter the bar. I felt like a rockstar. Ladies flocked to me wanted to learn more why a 26 year old with an engineering degree and a law degree would live at home and run mini storages. I regaled them with storied of my adventures before being denied a 3somes in my high school bedroom from a couple of hotties.

I'll be right back, I need a drink now.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(That many drinks later)

So last night I was the recipient of possibly great news. I was informed that my sister's best friend and former roommate is helping assimilate the Korean exchange students at MSU and will be taking them out to parties and bars all weekend. I'm just pretty stoked that they will (hopefully) not realize the negative stigma attached to being 26 with an engineering degree, a law degree, and still living at home running mini storages. I may even be able to convince them that my empire expands beyonds Starkville's walls, that the house is all mine, and that the MSU border paper on the walls is there because I just really like MSU so I had it specially ordered in the finest Italian wallpapering. Good Lord, that would be sweet. I can convince them my dad is my butler, and that Lint is a rare breed of miniature panthers that naturally only exists in Honduras, and I have 1 of only 10 in domestic captivity. Thank God for broken English.

Loyal followers, that's what I got for you.
The Tycoon

One Of Those Days

2008-06-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

Hot. Humid. Boring. Sad. Frustrating. Yeah, it was one of those days. And to think, things started off so well when at 9:30 I was unexpectedly treated to a NBA Stars v. NBA moms Family Feud. Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, Richard Jefferson, David Lee, Cuttino Mobley, and Grant Hill battle their mothers neck-and-neck and came out victorious. The best moment was Chris Bosh absolutely owning the Final Feud, only to almost have Dwight Howard blow it when he barely netted his necessary 36 points to reach the magical 200 needed. I mean, Dwight didn't even answer all 4 questions and only surpassed the 200 point plateau when his final answered question put him over. Moral of the story: go to college America. Just 1 year at Georgia Tech gave Chris the skills necessary to quickly think on his feet and demolish the Family Feud, while Dwight jumped straight to the NBA from high school and seemed lost and confused. Now I'm not saying a college degree (or a law degree for that matter) guarantees you a job, just that you will be able to think more quickly on your feet when faced with guessing the most popular answers among the 100 polled members of the public with $20,000 on the line.

Some of my long-time readers may remember "Tittie Money" from one of my early bloggings. Well today my worst nightmare was realized. 95 degrees. Humid as shit. Overweight black woman sweating. Yeah. I briefly thought about just offering to pay her rent for her and letting her keep her sweaty $20s, but then I came to my senses and realize that I don't have any money. After she left the office, I frantically searched for Lysol, but could only find insect killer. I doused my hands and then was just very careful to not start licking my fingers the rest of the day. I'm kinda feeling a little sickly to my stomach, but I'm gonna try to finish my blogging.

Today I may have missed out on my kindred spirit in this world. She came racing into the mini storage right at noon, catching me just before lunch. She asked if I was just working for the summer or what, and I briefly informed her that I was indefinitely employed but looking for a way to expand my empire, preferably to the West Coast. She then informed me that she too was in Starkville due to family reasons, but wanted to leave ASAP and preferably to the West Coast. This was when our eyes met and a spark was ignited. She is too "cosmopolitan" for Starkville. So she was 60 and stuck in Starkville with her dying husband, and counting down the days until he finally kicked the bucket and she could take off. Our goals were/are basically the exact same. And then she was gone, before I could even proposition her about becoming my Sugar Mama/ticket out of Starkville once her hubby passed. Now I am again left with the ever-present mini storage ethics question of whether I pull her number off her file and see if she's interested.

So while I was typing this a commercial came on for Hanes panties. It closed "Hanes for panties that won't ride up. Stay wedgie free with Hanes." No reason I just typed that except for that it struck me as humorous in the moment.

Desperately seeking a vacation,
The Tycoon

Signs I'm Not As Cool As You Think

2008-06-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

I spend days mulling over possible fantasy baseball trades.
I work at a mini storage.
I sit on my bed for hours on end when not at the mini storage.
I actually have seriously considered writing a movie about the current state of my life.
I have convinced myself I could make it good.
I still plan on making a blog t-shirt.
I wonder if writers know something they've written kinda sucks, but they have to release it anyway.
I know when I've written a less than awesome blog entry.
I try to not publish unrealized blog ideas for fear of offending my loyal followers.
I haven't been able to put together a quality blog posting in over a week, and it actually is bothering me.
I haven't had anything exciting enough happen to me in over a week worth blogging about.
I am already counting down the days until "Pineapple Express" comes out (8/8/08 if you are wondering).
I spend hours perfecting my Netflix queue.
I haven't been to a concert since December 2007 :(
I look up songs that I like from TV shows and movies.
I think one of my 'dream' jobs would be to be the guy who helps picking out music for movies.
I can have my opinion of a movie swayed by a good use of music.
I think I could be better than half the people on "Last Comic Standing" with a little work on my delivery.
I have to resort to gimmicks in order to put together a blog posting.
I think "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" looks incredibly bad.
I watched the entire MTV Movie Awards tonight. Yes, the whole thing.
I am thinking of becoming a career student.
I still probably won't be able to get a real job.
I sometimes like to watch foreign movies without subtitles and guess at what they are saying.
I am already stockpiling Halloween costume ideas.
I sometimes play 6 Degrees of Separation with myself.
I have played Scategories twice in the past week.
I allow my self-confidence levels to be governed by the quality of my blog entries.
I think H3's are the biggest douchebag vehicles in the world...and it's not even close.
I am not gonna stop coming up with reasons I'm not as cool as you think until the video below is finished uploading, and that's a promise.
I think my creative juices have slowed to a crawl.
I am in need of a muse to restart my creative juices, but have no prospects.
I think Renee Zellweger looked damn good in her early movies, like "Love and a .45". What happened to her?
I think the video just finish uploading, notice the excellent use of music, especially M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes" during the last minute or so.

Looking for my muse in Starkville,
The Tycoon

2008-05-30T21:02:00.000-07:00

The Tycoon has been very busy lately and would like to apologize to those faithful followers eagerly awaiting a new post. One will be coming this weekend, he promises.

Signs Of Becoming A True Tycoon

2008-05-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of weeks, circumstances have led me to ponder my future as a tycoon. Attempts to expand my empire have failed miserably and left me doing some serious soul searching. I have asked God to show me a sign whether my future was in mini storage tycooning or utilizing my 7 years of higher education as a lawyer and engineer. Well God has shined down on me with a bevy of reasons to stick with tycooning.

First and foremost, this is my first blog posting from my "new" badass laptop. How did I come into possession of a year old Dell Inspiron 9300? Well, let's just say the Mini Storage Fairy was in an extra giving mood this week. And I'd also like to give partial thanks to Cedric abandoning his mini storage unit and effectively donating his computer to my cause. Yes I have a cause now. My cause is to reinitiate my expansion plans, this time focusing on the west coast instead of the mid-Atlantic region of the east coast. East coasters are kinda assholes anyway. So anyway, back to this laptop, it's all wide screened and shiz without any of the smudges gathered from 4 years of old laptop usage, which not only makes watching netflix online way more awesome, but it increases the enjoyment of my adult video watching. It's like going from watching porn on an old-school curved screen 20" TV to experiencing it on a brand new 50" plasma in HD. I can only assume assume that this computer was sent as the first of many gifts that the mini storage promises to bear should I stick with my tycooning plans. At the very minimal, it was an awfully enticing trap. As for now, I assume that God showered me with this gift to signal that mini storage tycooning was indeed my future and that my 7 years of education were irrelevant.

Secondly, I have accepted and adapted to a lack of social life. In fact, I prefer 94% of my 'human' interaction to be through text messaging, cell phone calls, and e-mails. I actually fear actual human contact. Yeah, I deal with accepting payments and signing leases, but I most prefer the hours of isolation free of renters. At first I craved human contact, especially on the weekends. Now I'd rather settle in with a couple of Netflix movies, Other Kitty, and some alcohol.

Finally, I have actually convinced myself I could write a movie script about a law educated guy who can't find a job and spends his days couch bouncing from friend to friend. There would be a serious of shenanigans of the main character going out and spending the night drinking water (no money) in the corner of the bar alone (no self-confidence) while his friends spent the night chasing ladies, and upon returning 'home' our lovable loser would sleep on a couch/air mattress while listening to his current host and his lady for the night. Just when things appeared to have hit rock bottom, our anti-hero would land a dream job, while karma exacted revenge on his tormentors. I think it'd work. That's obviously a very rough plot outline, but you can piece together what I'm getting at.

Anyone watching the NBA playoffs think that Sasha Vujacic looks like Aldous Snow from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"??

I keep watching Lakers' games and expecting Sasha to break out the air humping and start singing "We Got To Do Something" or "Inside You". By the way, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is pretty damn solid. You get to see Jason Segel's weiner (which has inspired me to write in a penis baring scene into my blossoming film project) and see a Dracula musical in action, which while sounds lame is actually kinda outstanding.

Doing Something,
The Tycoon

Vagina Dentata...Fact or Fiction?

2008-05-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

So watching the movie "Teeth" earlier this week has me mortified of vaginas. I've been extensively researching online in search of any evidence of actual vagina dentata. Well guys, bad news, vagina dentata is alive and well...and MAN-made. Meet every man's biggest fear: RAPEX. I encourage all male readers to check before diving straight in next time, otherwise you'll experience an awkward visit to the emergency room to get the teeth surgically removed.

Upon this disturbing discovery, my first thought was "When would a woman actually use this?" I'd love to hear feedback from lady followers (all 2 of you). I mean, when does a woman anticipate rape enough that she is able to slip in the RAPEX device? Is it when you are at the bar and start to feel a little too hammered? Is it when you have that first date with the creepy guy you met and said you'd go out with while you were blacked in the wee hours of a saturday morning? Is it at all times? And my second question is, what happens if your fingers slip when putting in the RAPEX device? I can only assume if a finger slips in there, it treats the finger the same way as a weiner, which while not as important of an extremity, would still be very painful.

As for the movie "Teeth", the film just chews up the screen. Funny script, absurd and awesome plot, interesting psychological analysis, B-movie acting, and some of the best wiener decapitation scenes you'll ever see. Seriously, each one of them is uniquely awesome and hilarious and painful. Whether it be the first victim who bleeds to death, or the 2nd victim who has a smaller weiner and squirts blood all over his bed, or the 3rd victim (and step brother) whose weiner is eaten by his dog, "Teeth" never fails to deliver the goods. Overall, I give "Teeth" a solid A- rating and highly encourage any of you looking for something to watch to check it out.

This was an exciting week in my mini storage tycoon growth...my first foreclosure sales!!!!!!! Nothing hardens a tycoon's skin like having to stand up to renters who are $600 behind on their mini storage bills, when they are proposing that they just pay $100 today, and 'guarantee' they'll bring in the rest of their payment next week. It was a tremendous learning experience to judge which renters were being truthful and which ones were fibbing. Not to mention the excitement of waking up early on a Saturday morning and being at the mini storage to auction off units. Basically, I feel as though I am finally a true mini storage tycoon. I finally have a place is this cold, strange, unfair, demoralizing world.

Always checking with his finger first,
The Tycoon

Law Skillz in a Mini Storage World

2008-05-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

So adaptation is a way of life, and today I spent my hours sitting by myself intermittently fielding phone calls and accepting rent payments and figuring out how to adapt my law skillz to my apparent destiny as a mini storage grunt.

Skill #1: Sitting all alone for hours on end.

Who would have thought all those hours sitting alone in the library would prepare me not for working diligently preparing a case for trial, but rather for actually sitting all alone in an office? Without 3 years of training, I'd already be certifiably insane.

Skill #2: Diligently preparing files.

After spending 3 years learning to be a perfectionist and fine-tuning everything in preparation for not misspelling our client's name on their pleading or something, I am now a machine when it comes to perfectly filling out lease agreements and rental files. Not once have I misspelled one of my clie...er...renters' names.

Skill #3: Dispute resolution.

While I didn't actually take a dispute resolution class in law school, it's a skill I'd like to think I picked up just by being in the building for 3 years. Just today perhaps the largest black man I've ever seen came into the office irate because of an error made by my uncle. Despite fearing that he'd eat me or possibly sit on my and smother me, I was able to diffuse the situation and convince him my uncle is an idiot and that he was wrong and I was sorry he was an idiot and wrong, but that's just the way he usually is.

Skill #4: Ethical behavior.

If there is anything stressed in law school, it's that our ethical behavior matters and we should alway be aware of how our behavior will be perceived by others. There have been many occasions where I was very tempted to woo a young lass who entered the mini storage, but I suppressed my hormones in order to maintain an air of professionalism.

Finally, today I spent writing bills instead of doing something constructive like applying for jobs, and low and behold I ran across a renter who is apparently in jail at the moment. It briefly flashed to mind that I could open up and mini storage/law joint venture, then I remembered all those ethics lessons. Bummer.

Oh, and guess what's coming from Netflix tomorrow???

That's right, TEETH. This is gonna be too awesome. Full review forthcoming.

Ashamed to have lost to Rob in fantasy baseball last week :(,
The Tycoon

The Value of a Law Degree?

2008-05-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

"Stephen said...

so... is this when "the musings of a mini storage tycoon" officially jumped the shark?

it was a good ride w***..."

Well Stephen (if that's your real name), you want to know why I haven't been my usually sarcastic and bitterly funny self and resorted to posting the "Fuck You" article?

So it's recently been blatantly brought to my attention that law school might not have been one of the better decisions I've made. How the fuck the patent office rationalizes the stance of many of the supervisors saying that they prefer to hire people who don't have law degrees and then pay for them to go to law school at night baffles me. They are worried that after training or after a year, the law degree holding patent examiners will bolt. NEWSFLASH TO THE WORLD, THE LEGAL JOB MARKET RIGHT NOW IS FUCKING SHITTY. The patent office offers examiners the opportunity to sign a 4 year commitment in exchange for a significant signing bonus. When I stressed that I would willingly sign the commitment I am told that many people break their commitment and just forfeit back their signing bonus. Well fuck, how am I suppose to answer that? All I can do is tell them that I wouldn't do that.

So now I've spent the last week writing cover letters for non-law positions apologizing for my misjudgment in obtaining and law degree and subsequently passing the bar, and attempting to persuade them that I legitimately am interested in some kind of real career employment that doesn't require a law degree. On top of that, making $2000 a month at the mini storages won't exactly make living easy when I can no longer defer loans. Throw in the fact that every night I sit by myself in my room on the bed and stare at fantasy baseball stats until I fall asleep, my social outlets consist of being the 3rd wheel to my sister and her boyfriend, and I am becoming incredibly comfortable drinking by myself, and my life essentially blows. Not to mention the only people who hang around Starkville after college are the burnouts and idiots who never had much hope of getting out anyway, and that now includes me who really doesn't have the excuse that i'm only here temporarily since my best job prospect just told me I wasn't among the top 400 motherfuckers they are hiring for the year. My Starkville stay might as well be permanent. I have no career prospects on the horizon. The patent examiner job was my "light at the end of the tunnel" which allowed me to be bitter but humorous about it, now I am just straight bitter and angry. I can take a legal related job (if someone will give a "lawyer" a sub-lawyer position - i.e. legal assistant, paralegal) and hope that it turns into something, but surviving on $15/hour won't be fun with a full load of student loans. I can get some temporary gig doing document review and hope something plays out. But really, I don't have the money to pick up and move back to Portland and do something like that right now, especially if I have to take a chance on temp jobs. Every recruiter I speak with about engineering or law basically tell me the same story about how they have stacks upon stacks of very qualified people with years of working experience and that I can send them my stuff, but the chances of them finding me anything are slim to none. So yeah, fuck the world.

Anyone ever thought that maybe the ABA should limit the number of lawyers that enter schools? There are law schools out there with 300-500 students PER CLASS. That's ridiculous. What about hacking off the bottom 50 or so law schools in the country? You don't have med schools with average MCAT scores under 20, so why should you have law schools with entire student bodies with an average LSAT under 150? Wouldn't this solve a lot of the problems as far as job availability and turn around the recent trend of law students defaulting on loans? Wouldn't this bump up the pay for DAs and PDs? You have 100 people applying for a $36K/year job in the Portland DAs office. For someone with at least 7 years of higher education, that pay is revoltingly low. I know that master-level biomedical engineering students are extremely low-balled when they are offered $37K/year. I mean, does someone really want to go make $35K/year to be a DA in Pendleton, OR? Currently there are so many lawyers, that they know they can continually pay seriously low wages and still have out-of-work lawyers lined up out the door begging for the job. Is this what the ABA wants? Or do they want to reestablish the lawyer as a prestigious profession?

Shouldn't the state bars just toughen standards you say? Fuck no, at that point you already have X amount of students up to their eyeballs in student loan debt. At that point, it's too late. Now I would imagine that every student at a top 100 law school would still find a spot in a school somewhere, even if it's at a slightly lesser school, but wouldn't you much rather have reassess your life goals after undergrad when you are generally either (1) debt free or (2) have debt that pales in comparison to law school loan debt? It might hurt, but I know several people who spent several years taking and retaking the MCAT before they made high enough to get into a school. They were able to get over their initial rejection and either moved on or buckled down and studied harder to make better the next time around. When was the last time you heard of an out-of-work doctor who hadn't committed malpractice or committed a crime? When was the last time you heard of a doctor who made less than $75K-$80K/year (I don't have the actual stats, but I've never seen a doctor having to seriously pinch their pennies once they get finished with their residency, I mean, they may be distraught over having to 'settle' for their Mercedes instead of the Porsche) even if they work in BFE Eastern Oregon or the MS Delta? Is it to much to ask for the ABA to regulate the number of lawyers entering law school so that a graduating lawyer can feel relatively safe that (should they pass the bar) they'll find a job paying them $50K/year starting out? $40K? With the way non-legal employers run from a law graduate, it's the least the ABA could do. Hell, even law firms jobs seeking assistants run like hell from a law graduate.

And now let's ramble on about UO Law Career Services. What's their purpose? They have a booklet of resumes and cover letters you can look at, and they set out sheets for on-campus interview signups. You walk into the office seeking guidance and if you are outside the top 20% (hey, that's like 80% of the people you are supposed to be helping), they just say "it's gonna be tough, you just gotta get out there and apply". Wow, sage advice indeed. The top 20% are gonna get themselves hired with or without career services, unless they are social Neanderthals, career services should be judged by how many of the other 80% get hired. Why doesn't career services work like a recruiting agency? Is it too much for Jane or Merv to pick up a phone and call a former UO law student and say "hey, we have a current UO student here who is looking for a summer intern position in _________ law, think you might have some work for them?" Guaranteed that would establish a much stronger tie between past students and the school, not to mention it would be much more beneficial than just saying "we don't have a list of attorneys on file, but you can look them up online." Isn't your job to get people hired? Me sending a cover letter and a resume to someone who isn't planning on hiring any summer help isn't going to do anything, but you establishing a repertoire with them so that each year they are looking to work with some current UO law students is huge and beneficial. You are career services, your job is to get people jobs, yet all you do is work for the top 20% and leave the 80% who need your help the most to do the job on their own.

Now I get to go back to sitting in a mini storage office from 9-5 by myself watching day time television, and begging anyone and everyone with any kind of real job to give me a chance, while most people gawk in amazement at the lawyer who can't find any kind of relevant work (hey, we are a dime a dozen these days people). At least I now have a GRE to study for, if $37K/year for biomedical engineers with their masters is a low-ball offer, then maybe I can at least make more than the local DA when I get out. I just hope someone is willing to pay for my school this time around.

Anyone that has any experience dealing with bankruptcy want to advise me whether filing for bankruptcy or just defaulting on my loans would be more beneficial?

The Tycoon

I Feel Your Pain Buddy

2008-05-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

I hate all of you

Date: 2008-04-20, 11:50PM EDT

I don't care what colour you are. I don't care where you're from. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care what class you are, how you dress, what you smoke or drink or who you know or whom you've fucked.

I hate you all. I hate every last living, breathing, snot and feces producing, promiscuously copulating, celebrity obsessed, opinionated one of you. From right here in Toronto right around the planet and back, coast to coast, nationwide and internationally. Every. Single. Last. One. Of. You.

Fuck love. Fuck your insipid grasping at some abstract concept of chemical imbalances and reasonless actions, fumbling around in the crowd trying to find some cinematic supposition for real human interaction. Fuck lust, too. Fuck you all, from the lowlife dirtbags that think dropping trou and waving the little soldier in a sloppy arc is a pick-up line to the sniveling of the desperate 'nice guys' who never get the girl due to a total lack of testosterone grown stones. Fuck you all, from the crazy, under dressed sluts that judge a persons character by the price of their shirt, right down to the fat, flabby chicks that think personality is enough.

Fuck you drivers, for thinking that a yellow light is a sign that says 'step on the gas'. Fuck you wheelmen and women that think it's okay to sit in a left hand turn in the middle of morning traffic, even though there is a protected left in the intersections before and after where you need to make your turn. Fuck you too cyclists - you're not exempt from the traffic laws just because your peddling, you miserable spandex covered neon reflective fucks. Fuck you too, pedestrians. Use the fucking crosswalk if you don't want to get hit, and use it before the little countdown clock says '3'. You don't have enough goddamn time to lope across four lanes of traffic.

Fuck you chick on your cellphone. Fuck you attitude packed minimum-wager that makes my coffee. Fuck you cops that spend all their time handing out speeding tickets. Fuck you douche bag doing ten over the limit in the passing lane on the highway. Fuck you lady using exact change at the counter at the grocery store. Fuck you kids having a conversation in the doorway. And fuck you also for not getting the fuck out of your designated handicapped seat when a pregnant or elderly person gets on the fucking bus.

Fuck taxes. Fuck welfare. Fuck the whole selfish, over politicized and party driven government system. I'm sick and fucking tired of policies and new laws with seven hundred bylaws that nobody but you and your cabinet reads. Fuck you councilors and your stupid 'district improvement' plans. Fuck you unions, for asking for so much and giving nothing more that what you already give. Fuck the whole process that allows people who are supposed to be working for us work for interests that only benefit the next campaign. Fuck your short-sightedness, your rush to the bandwagons, and your incessant arguing over fuck all. Fuck the parties, fuck the conventions, and fuck your campaigns. Do some real fucking work for a change.

Fuck you bottles of water. You're water. You're not worth two fucking dollars.
Fuck you trendsetters, fuck you fashionistas. Fuck your little dogs and and your idiotic outfits. Fuck your high heels in the snow. Fuck your five dollar coffees and your fifteen dollar veggie burgers. Fuck your health kick, your diet or your fucking new interest in kickboxing or sushi.

Fuck your culture. Fuck your race. Fuck your sense of entitlement. Fuck your sense of uniqueness. Fuck you all for the belief that you have something unique and interesting to contribute. Fuck you for filling the internet with your useless garbage. Fuck your blogs, your wikis, your forums. Fuck your name calling. And most of all, fuck whatever you believe. It's all wrong. Fuck it.

Fuck your complaints. Fuck your addictions. Fuck your dependencies. Fuck your pain. Fuck your tears. Fuck selling whatever it is you sell. Fuck your manipulation of others. Fuck movies. Fuck fucking. Fuck everything you own. Fuck your allergies. Fuck your stupid commons sense. Fuck your spelling and fuck your lack of education, or your ignorance, whatever is applicable.

I don't give a fuck. Shut the fuck up and just get on with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/649999147.html

My brother in misery. Stay strong bro.
The Tycoon

Q: How do you waste 3 years of your life and around $100,000?

2008-05-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

A: The University of Oregon School of Law

Yes I am a little bitter.

The Birds and the Bees

2008-05-04T18:06:00.000-07:00

I have big news, but it must wait while I first relay this splendid story. So recently Other Kitty has been acting like she's ready to get back into the single kitty scene. Apparently she's looking to move on from her disastrous first litter of kittens. So this morning I am laying in bed enjoying some ESPN and some rest, and I hear a strange low moaning/meowing noise. Now Other Kitty likes to talk a lot and can make some weird sounds, but this was something I hadn't heard before. So I climb out of bed and walk into the living room only to find Lint and Other Kitty engaged in doggystyle sex in the middle of the living room floor! There was a brief moment where my eyes met all 4 of their eyes before Lint dismounted and frantically bolted towards the front door and began begging to be let out. I was flabbergasted, as I'd never seen cats humping, and Lint supposedly has no balls. And just like a woman, Other Kitty follows him over by the front door and begins rolling on the floor in a flirting manner, while Lint being the ball-less pimp womanizer he is ignores her and continues to beg to be let outside. After letting Lint out and gathering my thoughts, I couldn't decide if Lint was embarrassed to be caught with an obvious slutty kitty like Other Kitty, or if he and Other Kitty have an ongoing intimate relationship and was caught in the throws of passion, but he is now attempting to hide his emotion so as to maintain his air of indifference and coldness. I am going to be watching future interactions closely in hopes of getting to the bottom of the nature of their relationship. If you wondered what it looked like:

As you can tell from her facial impression, Lint is obviously not doing it for Other Kitty. Maybe it's the lack of balls?

And now for the big news...::drum roll::...THE MUSINGS OF A MINI STORAGE TYCOON HAS MADE GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! See for yourself! Upon learning this, I literally nearly broke down in tears as I realized having finally made it. It's been a long hard climb from a blog that was read by only a handful of early supporters to a full-fledged national phenomenon. And that's before we even cover the US with t-shirts.

While browsing for opportunities to expand my empire on Craigslist, I found a job posting that seemed to be speaking directly to me!

The Heekin Law Firm seeks an associate attorney with an entrepreneurial spirit who wants to use legal expertise, professional judgment, client input, and electronic evidence and litigation management tools to solve business disputes and fraud-related claims. The ideal candidate has 3-5 years of experience in complex commercial or insurance defense cases, solid grades from good schools, and experience on law review or as a judicial extern/clerk. Strong research and writing skills are a must. Experience arguing motions, as a second chair, and using Summation, CaseMap, and Sanction desired as well. Any past lives or after-hours spent blogging, podcasting, filmmaking, videoblogging, reporting or using a Six Sigma approach will be rewarded here. Send resume, writing sample, and references to Julie Smith, The Heekin Law Firm, 808 S.W. Third Ave., Suite 540, Portland, OR 97204; fax 503-200-5135, or email via reply to this ad.

http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/lgl/664119627.html

While I may lack the experience, I think an application with an entire printout of blog entries might get me an interview.

And finally, anyone who wants 2 Radiohead tickets, I got pavilion seats for the show outside of Washington, D.C. on May 11. I figured I would have some kind of decision by now, but instead I am looking at Day #21 on the "Will The Tycoon Get A Job From The Patent Office That Allows Him To Expand His Empire In The Mid-Atlantic". Here's hoping that I get my money back from Craiglist. And if anyone has me a miracle ticket for either Atlanta or Dallas, I'd take it in a heartbeat.

The author of the #2 website when Googling for "mini storage tycoon",
The Tycoon

Cupid Comes to the Mini Storage?

2008-05-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

Phew! The last few days have been INSANE at the mini storages, but thanks to the many glowing reviews written by my loyal followers, we have reached maximum capacity at the mini storages. And forgive me while I gloat for a moment, but the office I was running this week was the 1st location to fill up. The locals have started calling me "the closer". It's one thing to have someone enter the office seeking a storage place, but it's another thing when I can make them feel the urgency to rent the storage space on the spot.

But let me tell y'all the story of one renter in particular. She was my 1st visitor of the day and a mother coming in to rent a unit for her daughter. Our conversation progressed naturally from mini storage talk to career paths to being single. Upon finding out that I am a lawyer looking to expand my mini storage empire to a major city, she began laying the foundation for her daughter to latch on to such a successful tycoon, saying that her daughter wants to move to a major city when she graduates, and even saying that when her daughter comes out there, she was gonna tell her to come see me in the office. I am still waiting. But it was as she was leaving that she said something truly remarkable: "They weren't lying when they said 'come for the storage, stay for the eye candy'". I was speechless. I'm still holding out hope that Cupid shoots an arrow the mini storage's way. It's been a long, lonely road to hoe in Starkville.

Now we are on to a couple of more Congressional campaign commercials in Mississippi. One of them I can't even remember who it is for, but the Republican candidate goes on and on about the Democratic opponent, equating him to Nancy Pelosi. It goes on to say her ideas "may be groovy in California, but that dog don't hunt in Mississippi." I thought this was pretty humorous especially given the "groovy" was spelled on the TV in wavy purple letters. Furthermore, one of the Greg Davis ads against Travis Childress is even more ridiculous. Watch:

How the fuck do you even use this Rev. Wright dumbass to a House Representative candidate in Mississippi? I mean, the sad thing is that this ad will actually affect people's decisions. Not only do you have to take responsibilities of your own contacts, you also have to take responsibilities of your contacts' contacts. The fact that people buy into these ads as factors in their final decisions is pretty indicative of the ignorance of most Americans. No wonder the country is in a downward spiral, we allow attenuated connections and middle names affect our decisions more than actual issues. George W owned the Texas Rangers when they signed Jose Canseco, who many knew was doing steroids, but they turned a blind eye, therefore one may surmise that W probably knew or should have known Jose was doing the juice, yet he turned a blind eye. Thus, anyone who has ever received an endorsement by the Republican party is obviously OK with cheating and lying, right? Ridiculous I know, but that's the kinda shit people buy into.

Did you know that "man boobs" are an actual medical condition? Called gynecomastia.

Finally, because it's been such long, lonely stretch in Starkville, I've recently debated sucking up the pride and joining either eHarmony or Match.com. I've heard they are goldmines for desperate women looking for successful dudes! My proposal is that we all join eHarmony, and then compete for the most ladies (or men if that's your thing) per week or month. We can even have a Tycoon League fantasy draft. A scoring system would look something like 1 point per date, 2 points per kiss, and 4 points for setting off the fireworks. Obviously, we can tweak the system as need be. Also, I propose that each team consists of 1 guy, 1 girl, and 1 util spot, which 2 bench spots. The league can be a weekly head-to-head league. Knowing that a team member has several dates lined up for the week but is a bit 'poonshy' is kinda like having a mediocre 2 start pitcher in fantasy baseball. Do you go for the sure couple of points with the 2 start pitcher while chancing that he fails, or do you go with your stud even though he has only 1 start lined up?

I think we are on to something here.

Fighting cancer one beating at a time,
The Tycoon

**make sure you get up with me somehow about your blog t-shirt if you want one**

A Career Tainted

2008-04-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

Today I was notified with the news that John Michael-Montgomery's hit laden country music career has been tainted by one of his primary co-songwriters.

Nashville songwriter charged in death of Cheri Oteri's dad

April 28, 2008, 2:25 PM EST

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- The father of TV comic Cheri Oteri was stabbed to death and a country songwriter has been arrested, police said Monday.

Richard William Fagan, 61, had been charged with criminal homicide in the Saturday night death of 69-year-old Gaetano Thomas Oteri, police said.

Authorities said the victim's daughter, who was on the cast of "Saturday Night Live," had been told of her father's death.

Police say Fagan and the victim were roommates.

Police said Fagan had been arrested Saturday night on a charge of driving under the influence, and shortly after he posted bail on Sunday a friend of the roommates told police their door was locked, the house appeared to be in disarray and Oteri wasn't answering the door.

Emergency medical technicians found Oteri dead in the house.

It appears that Oteri he died from a "significant laceration" to his wrist caused by Fagan's knife, police spokesman Don Aaron said.

Police said detectives found Fagan while he was still with his bail bondsman.

Jail officials say they don't have a record of an attorney for Fagan.

Fagan is listed as co-writer on hits by singer John Michael Montgomery, including "Sold (the Grundy County Auction Incident)," "Be My Baby Tonight," and "I Miss You a Little." Fagan told police his songs have been recorded by several country artists.

My 1st reaction to this article is why 61 and 69 year old men have roommates. This isn't college, or even 20-somethings fresh out of college that need to save $. These are old men, 1 of whom is the father of a former SNL alum, and the other of which wrote multi-million copy selling country hits.

My 2nd reaction is that I can now be connected to Cheri Oteri in 6 Degrees of Separation.

Degree 1: The Tycoon publishes a picture of himself as a young tyke wearing a JMM shirt and several JMM videos on Thursday February 28, 2008.

Degree 2: JMM co-wrote several of his biggest hits with Fagan.

Degree 3: Fagan kills Gaetano Thomas Oteri.

Degree 4: Gaetano Thomas Oteri is the father of Cheri Oteri.

That's it, just 4 links in the chain. We might as well be lovers. The world domination is imminent. I admit Cheri Oteri isn't the most impressive celebrity to be linked to, BUT you gotta start somewhere. We could even go 1 step further and connect me to Will Ferrell!

Finally, I thought about the resonating effect this would have on the splendid career of JMM. One can only hope that people don't assume JMM is also a knife wielding murderer since they are obviously close, having written several big hits.

We are now on Day 14 of the "Will The Tycoon Get An Offer From The Patent Office That Allows Him To Expand His Empire Into The Mid-Atlantic" watch. They keep telling me that my application is with the supervisors of the BioMedical Division, and that it's up to them as to when they'll make a decision. I think they are lying. In fact, I think "they" may just be a fake phone number some hacker put on the website to fuck with people. And even if the phone number is legit, I am questioning the existence of these mythical supervisors. I mean, does it really take this long to decide if I am one of the 400+ patent examiners they are hiring this year? You don't even have to have a law degree/bar membershit, BUT they will pay for you to go to night school to get your law degree while working with the Patent Office. Therefore, wouldn't someone with a law degree already "paid for" be pretty economically efficient? I think I officially don't understand how to get non-mini storage jobs. Engineering degree? Check. Law degree? Check. Bar membershit? Check. Job? Unqualified/over-qualified/incompetent/non-presentable/uneducated/(fill in your favor reason for being shot down). I think I'm fleeing to Cuba. Who is with me? VIVA LA MINI BORDEGAS!! We can start up a mini storages down there.

I wonder what they'd think of my blog shirt?

Speaking of blog shirts, the order are rolling in. Up to 15 or so right now. Next week I'll have the free-time to get the shirts printed and orders sent. But let me know somehow that your want one cause The Tycoon doesn't have the funds to front a bunch extra in hopes of selling them (not like it'd be hard). Also, once the shirts have been distributed, I will be accepting pictures of the shirt being worn in various places around the world! So get your digital cameras charged up loyal followers.

Rolling a Donut :(

2008-04-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today was a bad day loyal followers. I rolled a donut at the mini storage today. In mini storage tycoon lingo, "rolling a donut" means that during the entire day, you had no office visitors. I fielded phone calls and received payments in the mail, but I failed to lure a single visitor into my storage mecca. To say it was a long, lonely day in the office is an understatement. But I think a day like today can actually help many people. When an iconic figure such as myself can suffer through a long, miserable, unsuccessful day, then anyone can suffer through a day like that. You just got to keep your head up and get ready for those customers tomorrow. Maybe if someone would help out with some sparkling mini storage reviews on google I wouldn't sit alone all day watching Today, Family Feud, Price is Right, Jeopardy, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Montel, Tyra, Dr. Phil, and Maury.

On the bright side, I was able to ponder many random thoughts throughout the long boring day. Apparently there is a restaurant in Greenville, MS that is going to be featured on the Food Network that has a specialty of ribs on pancakes. Yes, ribs + pancakes. Anyone want to meet me for lunch? I can only imagine it's like Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, but better. How do I know it's better? Well, ribs >>>> fried chicken, and pancakes >>>> waffles, therefore ribs + pancakes >>>>>>>>>>> chicken + waffles. And Roscoe's is pretty damn delicious in case you've never had it.

One of the new cosmetic surgeries among the rich and famous is vagina reconstructive surgery, where surgeons tighten a woman's vagina to its tightness prior to her having children or before she had sex with several hundred men. Anyway, am I wrong to think a surgeon in this area could really attract some customers with the slogan "Hit It Again For The 1st Time"?

In Dear Abbey today, a daughter wrote in saying she was tired of the family business and wanted out. Should I write in encouraging her to stick with it? Also, another woman wrote in concerned because her husband always takes the family out for lunch after Church on Sundays and charges the meal on his credit card. She admits that she's "not that 'up' on how credit cards work," but she knows that eventually they'll have to pay off the credit card eventually. She doesn't even know if her husband pays off the credit card each month. I mean is she 14? She's old enough to have a family, and still doesn't know how credit cards work? Good Lord. And she's got kids?? Awesome.

Finally, I spent my afternoon bargaining on the phone with the local t-shirt printers and came to a Tycoon exclusive deal. First of all, here is the proposed final design:

Front

Back

The shirts will only be $17 and that'll include your shipping. I'll set up a PayPal account for those interested. You can send me an e-mail at j.wade.miles@gmail.com to give me your mailing info and shirt size. Really, I just have a dream of having a picture of myself on a couple dozen t-shirts spread across the country. I expect these to be worn with pride. By the way, for those of you avoiding writing a mini storage review, the quote on the back of the t-shirt came directly from a recent mini storage review written by a TRUE loyal follower. Maybe next time, YOUR quote will make it onto a t-shirt. The first step in reaching those heights is writing your own review, so put on those thinking caps and get to work.

And I'll leave my loyal followers with another sampling of my less than manly white guy dance music

Justice - D.A.N.C.E.

Getting ready to take the world by storm in Starkville,
The Tycoon

Day #9

2008-04-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

Today is Day #9 of the "Will The Tycoon Get An Offer From The Patent Office That Allows Him To Expand His Empire Into The Mid-Atlantic" watch. No word yet on whether I have lured them into unsuspectingly participating in my expansion. Surprisingly I have been in a relatively good mood as of late despite the impending doom I fear. I think it has to do with my less than manly leanings in music I have been listening to lately. It's either the warming weather or subconsciously I've just been wanting to dance.

As for a proper blog entry, I am a little disappointed the turn out thus far for positive mini storage reviews (you can find the link towards the end of the previous blog entry). You may think your words don't help, but I cannot even begin to count the number of potential renters who backed out when it came time to hand over their first rental payment saying that they "just didn't trust an establishment without a plethora of glowing reviews flowing from google". When the reviews start flowing, the blog entries will start multiplying!

Also, I have had inquiries into actually printing t-shirts. If enough people are really interested I would absolutely use it as a free promotional tool in taking my mini storages national.

I'll leave you with the best song of the 1980s and maybe ever - New Order's "Age of Consent". On top of being awesome musically, they are also top notch dressers.

Really, if you are interested in a t-shirt I'll print them up (and you reimburse me).

Dancing to white people music in Starkville,
The Tycoon

Untitled (Revised)

2008-04-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a mini storage tycoon gets one of those phone calls from someone in the depths of despair. Today was one of those days. This lady calls asking how much rent was due on her son's unit, which somehow dissolved into her mulling over the fact that her son had yet to find a real job ("and he's such a smart boy" she said). I didn't have the heart to tell her that he was likely fucked. Then she went into how her daughter recently split from her man and was living in their double wide trailer with her 2 kids, and how they were trying to help her out. I consoled the woman with a hollow "the economy is rough right now, I'm having to do this until I find a long term job..." yada yada yada. Then just as I thought I was about to complete out phone visit, she comes from the blindside with a jaw dropper...to top things off, she was losing her hair! up until this point my level of sorrow for the woman's plight was minimal, but to be losing your hair on top of everything else? That's just a low blow. Ultimately this story was to show the wide variety of exciting stories being a mini storage tycoon can bring into your life, and a mini storage tycoon has to wear many hats. You have to keep monetary records. You have to be able to rent units. You have to be able to sweep out units when people move. You have to keep your cool with angry renters. And sometimes you have to put on your counseling hat like I did today and be there to listen to a renter going through some tough times with the ongoing losing of her hair.

Today I also had to hold back my discontent with a young whipper snapper who came in to rent a unit with his headphones BLARING some shitty pop-punk band music (think Blink 182 but worse), and instead of pausing the music to rent his unit, he left the headphones dangling so that we both got to listen to his shitty music. I was thisclose to bitch slapping him and lecturing him on giving proper respect to not just The Tycoon, but all mini storage tycoons across this great nation. Kids these days.

As I was sitting at the desk writing some bills waiting for my cell phone to ring with a job offer from the US Patent Office (i interviewed on February 14 and they told me it'd be about 2 months, so we are on day 5 of "will The Tycoon dupe the USPTO into giving him a job so that he can expand his empire to the mid-atlantic" watch), I hear an advertisement on TV during the Price is Right that is speaking directly to me. As I watch my student loan bills come in and I beg them for another deferment, the stress of pending financial doom has hindered my tycooning abilities, leaving me confused as to whether I unlocked the proper units or recorded the proper payments and I have to spend minutes of my day rechecking the work I should have already done. It may be time to contact Denvil F. Crowe. His mind-blowingly awesome TV ad is below, and I can only home that is Denvil playing the part of the evil bill collector.

And as if just to rub a little salt in the wound, Oprah today was about professional women who hate their jobs, and something like 48% of them are unsatisfied by their careers. I got an idea, QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOB AND LET ME HAVE IT THEN. I really have no pity on anyone bitching about getting a good paycheck for a job they actually sought to do at some point. "Wah, I have to work 60 hours a week". "Wah, I don't have time to cook dinner every night". "Wah wah wah". I bet their ass isn't upset when they get to take their Mexican vacation or buy their plasma TV. And don't get me wrong, I'm not picking on women here, I feel the same way towards anyone (male, female, or hermaphrodite) who wants to bitch about making enough money to pay bills and enjoy themselves a bit on the side.

On the lighter side of things, "Dear Abbey" today was a outstanding. In the 1st letter, Non-Enabler wrote in lamenting the fact that her sister had begged her for money for the umpteenth time which she could not afford to give this time (yeah, i know, fairly typical "Dear Abbey" shit, but wait). So now the sister (who is married with 3 daughters) has joined a swingers' club and has 1 night affairs all the time, and she blames this on Non-Enabler, AND NON-ENABLER ACTUALLY FEELS AT FAULT. I think I'm gonna beg for money, join a swingers' club, and then blame it all on someone else for not giving me money I needed to pay my student loans. That actually sounds like a pretty appealing plan at this point. In the 2nd letter, Picture Perfect wrote distraught about what she and her husband should do with the nude portraits they had painted of each other. For obvious reasons, they did not want to leave these items behind for their children (can you imagine the look on their faces when they pulled those out - awesome). It humors me that people sit around so perplexed over some issues they actually take the time to write in to Dear Abbey, or even better the dumbasses that write in to Miss Manners. I mean, who sits around with nothing better to do than write out their every minute thought?

Finally, I take pride in the recent $104 million dollar 4th quarter losses by Sallie Mae. I may not be able to get a job helping a firm or company make money, but I'll be damned if I'm not gonna help tear one down!

Tired of Starkville,
The Tycoon

Addendum:
It was brought to my attention the other day by a loyal follower (you know who you are) that a disturbing lack of fanatical reviews for my mini storage empire appeared on the Google search for "Starkville Mini Storage". I am asking my loyal readers to each take a moment to visit Google (here's the link if you are lazy) and take the time to write 1 or more marvelous reviews for either (B) Bulldog Mini Storage, (D) Starkville Mini Storage, (G) North Jackson Mini Storage, or (J) Starkville Mini Storage (should be listed as Bully's Lockers - I am in the process of writing a letter to Google threatening legal action if this oversight is not corrected ASAP). You know that actual renters were overwhelmed by the quality of mini storaging I provided them, so feel free to embellish those feelings. It could also be beneficial to The Tycoon's love life if a couple of you alluded to the rugged good-looks and splendid wit and charm displayed by a certain tycoon. Get to work.

CSI: Starkville

2008-04-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

I have been a bit deceiving to my loyal followers over the past week and a half or so. Not really deceiving, but not informing you of my true whereabouts and going ons. A few days after the death of Another Kitty, Other Kitty approached me with concerns that foul play may have been involved with her offspring's passing. Finding it impossible to see a mother in this perpetual state of unknowing, I swore to her that I'd find Another Kitty's killer if foul play was involved. The following photo might be a bit much for the weak of stomach, as it is the death place of Another Kitty and the chalk outline is still visible. I hope you all understand why I could not discuss the case until now.

I began my investigation by making a list of suspects.
Suspect #1: Lint. Motive: Obvious disdain of another kitty (no pun intended) invading his home.
Suspect #2: Lauren. Motive: Attention seeker.
Suspect #3: Other Kitty. Motive: Crazy female made even crazier by crazy hormones.

After closely watching several episodes of CSI, I carefully removed all hairs I found in the vicinity of the crime. Hairs from all 3 suspects were found under the edge of the bed. After interrogating all 3 suspects, they all provided legitimate reasons why their hair could be found in the area. Other Kitty has made a temporary home with Another Kitty under the bed, it was in Lauren's room that Another Kitty's body was found (though she doesn't actually live here anymore...?), and Lint often napped in Lauren's room in an effort to avoid any and all contact with other people and animals. This was an immediate red flag, as it indicated a possible motive for Lint to kill Another Kitty - he was protecting his territory.

Next the cause of death was determined. The toxicology reports were negative. It appeared to my eyes that Another Kitty was suffocated, as his mouth was left agape, gasping for air as if smothered or strangled. Again, this fact pointed towards Lint. His cold demeanor and ample girth would be a perfect combination in smothering a poor young defenseless kitty. Other Kitty seemed much too distraught for this to have been her own work, and Lauren just didn't seem like a kitty killer.

Finally, Other Kitty has been extra aggressive toward Lint lately, which led me to believe that maybe she knew something she just couldn't get across to me in our conversations, and she was trying to express herself through aggression. At this point I took Lint in again for questioning. He coldly told me he did in fact smother Another Kitty, and that he'd been planning it ever since Another Kitty was born, but wanted to wait until Another Kitty was old enough to know what happened. Other Kitty took a break from nursing and laying with Another Kitty to go beg someone into giving her some delicious cat food at around 10 pm on Saturday April 5. It was at this time Lint seized his opportunity. Another Kitty thought Lint was coming to be the "fun uncle" and play with him, and instead Lint overpowered him and smothered him with his considerable fluff. Lint was denied bail and is currently awaiting trial.

In other news, if you like your music leaning toward the electronic-indie-r.ock-pop (think LCD Soundsystem or Hot Chip) then you are doing yourself a disservice by not getting the new Cut Copy album "In Ghost Colours".

And some more intelligent insights from the Opinion Page of the Clarion Ledger. Allen Wilkinson of Brandon writes that if Obama doesn't like the use of his middle name, then he should go legally change it. Wait, what? I know opinions are supposed to not be right or wrong, because, well, they are opinions, but Allen's opinion is about as wrong of an opinion as you'll find. Also, this wholly illustrates the ignorance of Americans that a man's middle name is a factor in your presidential vote. head-->wall

Your Kitty Killer Hunter,
The Tycoon

A Conglomeration of Inane Ramblings

2008-04-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

Is Ann Coulter the Skip Bayliss of national political journalists? Some of you know Skip, the idiot ESPN talking head who attempts to illogically declare that the rest of the Cleveland Cavaliers are a good supporting cast for Lebron James, and that Larry Hughes could have been Lebron's Scottie Pippen if Lebron was a better player. These opinions are so dumb and ignorant that they could only be made by someone who sells out all sense of dignity to get their face in the public eye. Ann Coulter writes political opinion pieces seething with so much hate, that I can't fathom how someone could naturally be like this. I just have to believe at this point she, like Skip, simply looks at a situation and purposefully takes the most outlandish view and then argues it vehemently simply to get her name in the paper and face on TV. She actually wrote a piece deriding Obama's well received (even by many Republicans) approach to racism. Somehow she managed to tie in some very attenuated story about Obama's grandparents and their worries over getting mugged and use this to say Obama shouldn't be speaking about racism. What.The.Fuck. She's either the world's biggest snatch or one of the world's leading attention whores. This bitch and anyone who agrees with her are what's wrong with America at this point. She's not even Republican, she's her own thing. She spouts off about Christian values, yet spews more hate than anyone I've ever seen. She's not even respectful in her disagreement, instead attacking rather than discussing. How Republicans can even allow these people to be associated with their party is beyond me. All it does is give an independent voters a reason to hate the party. Likewise, the Democrats have their wackos too, but it seems as though the Republican wackos have been out in full force for this election. I guess they figure that Bush has ruined any real chance of the Republicans winning so they might as well make asses out of themselves.

And what is it about Obama and "controversy" thus far? I mean, McCain recently made peace with Jerry Falwell, therefore by the logic used between Obama and his preacher, shouldn't McCain's peace being made with Falwell mean that McCain accepts Falwell's statements that the US is at fault for Katrina and 9/11 for being sinners? Isn't that just as bad as saying "Goddamned America" in so many words? What about the fact that McCain's family traces back to Caroll County Mississippi, which was widely regarded as one of the most racially charged counties in MS history? His grandfather even served as the county sheriff. Obviously having roots in such a racist place must mean that McCain was raised with those same racist values and therefore believes those same racist values right? What about Hilary marrying a morally corrupt man like Bill, who would cheat on his wife with interns in the Oval Office? Obviously she shares his same corrupt values if she was willing to marry him. Why aren't these relationships the subject of endless debates?

I don't actually believe any of these relationships should have a bearing on who you vote for president, but don't let the bullshit sway you. In the end, Obama's refusal to "play the political game" is probably gonna cost him, and that's sad. It's pretty pathetic that a large portion of the American public can so easily be distracted from the real issues without even realizing it. Vote based on your Iraq position or your economic position or your alternative fuels position, but don't vote based on the bullshit political games that have turned off voters for years. Why do you think Obama has such a strong young following? He doesn't play the bullshit games, he tells it like it is, and doesn't feel the need to point out that in 1995 Hilary didn't put her hand over her heart during a National Anthem and therefore is not a "true American". I fucking hate politics.

Now there are people throughout MS calling for a raise in the state's driving age from 16 to 18. Seriously? Let's count the reasons this is an awful idea. 1) MS has virtually NO public transportation to speak of, and therefore parents would be forced to be chauffeurs for their children during some of their most active years as HS juniors and seniors - football practice, SATs, graduation parties, cheerleading practice, hanging out with friends...I'm sure parents would just be stoked to have to hold their kids' hands the whole time. 2) I think it's a poorly thought out idea to have a kid head off to college a couple of weeks after getting their drivers' license, but that's just me. Look, I prefer not to drive, and rarely drove in Portland, but it's simply a must in MS and other rural states. I want to get back to a city where I can park my car for days on end and not spend $60 in gas per week, but alas the job market is forcing me to drive by keeping me in Starkville. It's not my fault that I'm using up all the oil, blame the law firms in the cities I want to live who refuse to hire me.

In other news, one of MLK's closest confidants was convicted of forcing his (at the time) teenage daughter to have sex with him. Obviously since this guy was so close to MLK, MLK was an advocate for incestuous relations.

I still haven't grasped how so many Republicans seem so upset about McCain. He's the "lesser of 3 evils" and they are already planning on doing better in 2012. I mean, seriously America, what the fuck is wrong with a president who is closer to the middle than to the far right or far left? It's like Americans pick a side and refuse to compromise. Weren't we all taught to compromise as a 5 year old? I mean, I always wanted to only be Donatello when playing Ninja Turtles, but sometimes someone else wanted to be Donatello, so I would let them be Donatello for a Ninja Turtle v. Transformers v. G.I. Joe battle or 2, that way we BOTH got to be Donatello. Obviously in a perfect world we would have both been Donatello the entire time, but since we both wanted to be Donatello, we compromised and split custody. Apparently as you get older, you get worse at compromising.

How about the American Family Association petitioning Marriott to remove the pay-per-view porn from their TV options? Does it really bother people that much that someone might be willing to pay for porn in a private hotel room that they feel the need to spend their precious time asking for them to remove the porn option instead of doing something constructive like educating their children on safe sex or playing catch in the backyard and being a true parent to their kid? Or how about generally instilling the desired morals into your child so that when they are faced with the decision to pay for that porn they pass it up? If we take away all temptations, then do morals even exist? It just seems to me there are a lot of things that could be done that are infinitely more important and worthwhile than not having to worry about a ppv porn option the next time you stay at a Marriott.

Finally, I love the MS Senator commercials in which the candidates say "I am pro-life and I am pro gun". Sounds kinda funny when said back-to-back like that, doesn't it?

Sorry if any of my ramblings left out key components that make me look foolish. Sometimes I am isolated from intelligent conversation when spending 40 hours a week in a mini storage office all alone and my imagination begins to run wild.

The Tycoon

A Broken Blogger :(

2008-04-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

I started this blog as an exercise in futility to help me deal with the fact that I somehow ended up back in Starkville indefinitely. In those early days, I was a blogging machine, consistently coming up with fresh ideas on which I could display my considerable wit through my blog. Today I sit here searching for my blogging voice, as it seems as to have left me. I still have ideas (just today I was contemplating huffing jenkem and presenting the results to my loyal followers), but converting those ideas into words for consumption by you, my loyal followers is more difficult than one would think. Often I spend hours in front my my laptop watching my cursor blink at me, taunting me, daring me to write a poor blog entry. It's been daring me all night, and now it's time for me to take back control...i hope. Sometimes the pressure is just too overwhelming, and the thought of a good jenkem huff dances through my head. There's just so much pressure one man can take.

Many of you have been inquiring about Other Kitty and her growing family. Well, I have some bad news. Other Kitty did bless the world with 4 lovely kittens, but unfortunately 2 of them were still born and a 3rd died 2 days later, leaving only 1 kitten. After a heated debate over a name between my sister and I, we settled on "Another Kitty". Another Kitty was eating well and was even opening his eyes and then disaster struck. Other Kitty had made a home under my sister's bed with Another Kitty. On Sunday afternoon, my sister was going to play with Another Kitty, only to find the stiff dead body of Another Kitty. His face was frozen in a permanent painful yell for help. Just Saturday night, Another Kitty was alive and healthy. Cause of death is unknown, but Other Kitty appreciates your thoughts and prayers during this rough time. She seems to be doing OK, and just today was ready to go back outside and try again to get her family started.

So this morning I'm expertly doing the daily crossword puzzle (you are an expert when you complete 2 full crossword puzzles in a row like I did), when I heard one of the more puzzling survey answers ever on the Family Feud. The category was "If you were hiking and saw a bear, what would you do?" And on the board of top 6 or so answer: "CLIMB A TREE". Seriously?!?! Climb a freaking tree ? I mean, it's not like bears are better tree climbers than people, not to mention how it kinda blocks you into a tree with no escape. And like 10 out of 100 people said they'd climb a tree! All I gotta say is that in such a situation, I'm hoping I'm with 1 of those 10%. My ass won't be climbing any trees.

And finally, I am putting out an APB for Freddie Prinze, Jr. I know you all loved him in "She's All That", "I Know What You Did Last Summer", and "Scooby Doo" (who didn't?). But really, what has happened to him? His career seemed on track and then like *poof*, he was gone. I would like to hear testimonials regarding Freddie Prinze sightings. And don't go searching IMDB for his most recent movies, I want to hear an unexpected movie sighting. Godspeed.

It's the Tycoon's bedtime,
The Tycoon

A Welcome Back From the Mini Storage Fairy!

2008-04-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I returned to work (and subsequently blogging) after a 3 week hiatus. The batteries are recharged and the wit has been sharpened. I was pretty nervous returning to tycooning after an extended break, but my nerves were quickly calmed by a visit from the Mini Storage Fairy! Unfortunately, unlike my previous Mini Storage Fairy visits, this visit yielded 2 ratty couches. I guess I have been a bad boy lately and didn't deserve another gift of used Nerf guns. :(

If you are looking for that movie to watch while at work, let me be the one to break the disappointment I found with "Southland Tales". Many may say that a cast of The Rock, Justin Timberlake, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stifler, Mandy Moore, Jon Lovitz, Janeane Garofalo and Cheri Oteri and Amy Poehler of SNL fame could never create a good movie, but I saw a perfect storm of actors looking to break out of the reins holding them back. I admit I was wrong. It was a good idea, but ultimately she fell short of it's ambitious goals.

Finally, the DVD viewing of "Southland Tales" was not entirely wasted, as I was exposed to a film which I am anxiously awaiting the release of: "Zombie Strippers"!!!!!!!!!!! I am a self-admitted zombie fan, and I don't have anything against a stripper, so a combination of zombies AND strippers can be described as a perfect marriage of individually awesome things. In fact, what really has me excited is that "Zombie Strippers" hasn't even been released to the theaters yet, so watch your local multiplex closely for a release date. I can't imagine anything short of a wide release to all the major theaters across the country will suffice the throngs of movie connoisseurs eagerly awaiting the release.

Surely y'all didn't think I would let you go without a video tease of "Zombie Strippers"? If you want to learn how to survive a zombie attack, there is only 1 manual available to teach you everything you'll need to know to survive: The Zombie Survival Guide. And if you'd like to see the principles taught in the survival guide applied to fictionalized (but real to life) situations, let me recommend World War Z. I am here to warn you that zombies are real and if you want to survive the inevitable attack, these books are your best bet. Anyone got a 2 story house I can hole up in when they come? Our house is only a single story.

I hope everyone is excited for future posts as I am,
The Tycoon

Fuck the Ducks

2008-03-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

Well it looks like the votes indicate that I should be cheering for the Bulldogs, even though all the voters neglected to give any reasons why. Therefore, I will take it on myself to come up with a good reason. Basically, the University of Oregon gave me a law degree worth approximately the cost of the paper it was printed on. And it only cost me somewhere in the neighborhood of $60,000-$70,000 in tuition plus interest. Not only does this degree prevent me from getting legal jobs, but it also tends to make me overqualified for any position not requiring a law degree. The ultimate catch-22. This law school deal is quite the racket to prop up universities' reputations and pull in a substantial amount of money from naive college kids who've been told that they should do things like go to law school and grad school, etc. for 20+ years and that doing so would open up opportunities to them that would allow them to make something of themselves. On the other hand, Mississippi State gave me an engineering degree that was well respected enough for Oregon to realize they could dupe me into paying them money, and likewise it was possibly good enough to actually dupe an ignorant employer into actually offering a job to me at the time. The final deciding difference? MSU paid me about $2,000 a semester to go to school. Oregon was just take, take, take, and never gave anything back. So I say fuck the Ducks. (Refund my 3 years of law school tuition and I'll be rocking the green and neon yellow in Little Rock real quick though)

As someone who hasn't shopped in Abercrombie and Fitch in about 10 years, I was delighted to learn that they have been marketing some creative t-shirts. What lady wouldn't want one of these? Or perhaps an Abercrombie shirt saying "Gentlemen Prefer Tig Ol' Bitties"? Are the ladies with little boobs allowed to even buy these? Can you imagine the discussion going on during a board meeting over which t-shirts get the final go ahead?

CEO: "So Bob, you said you have some great ideas on a new shirt slogan?"

Bob [in extreme redneck voice, think Champ from "Anchorman"]: "Boy do I ever have some good ones, what do you think about 'Gentlemen Prefer Tig Ol' Bitties'?"

[blank stares around the table, Bob smiles ignorantly and begins giggling]

Bob: "You know, big ol' titties, but you switch the 'T' and the 'B'!"

[realization hits the rest of the members of the board as their faces morph from confusion into excitement]

CEO: "I'll be damned Bob, I thought you were out of good ideas after that 'Who Needs Brains When You Have These' t-shirts, but you always seem to out do yourself. 13 year old girls everywhere are gonna love these! What's next 'Virgins Take It In The Ass' or 'I Just Like To Soak'?"

On a personal note, I have been waiting for a pair of Abercrombie underwear that say "Who Needs Brains When You Have This". Unfortunately "this" hasn't really gotten me anywhere. Either woman aren't quite as shallow or I am not that impressive. I'm of the belief that women just aren't that shallow.

I also came to the realization today that the Tyra Banks Show is awful. I usually am still enjoying my movie for the day between 2pm and 3pm, but today I didn't have a movie to watch, so I had on the Tyra Banks Show. Whatever you think about Oprah or Dr. Phil or Montel or Ellen or Maury, Tyra is approximately 12o4 times worse. No charisma, awkward stage presence, not funny, huge forhead, lame crowd interaction. It was bad.

Speaking of Maury, today one of the best slutty daughters ever appeared on Maury. She dropped lines like "I have snuck over 100 men in my room to have sex and I don't even know half their names" and "I want to have a baby, and I'll sell my body to take care of it if I have to", and finally, "I care about me, have sex, doing drugs, and that's it". She was really a work of art. And y'all wonder why men want boys.

Finally today in Dear Abby, a distressed reader sent a letter that his wife "unknowingly" had sex with one of his brothers. Apparently they slept in different rooms while visiting his parents because she was sick, and in the middle of the night someone came in to visit her. "Thinking" it was her husband, they bumped uglies. The next day later she mention how sexy it was for him to come have sex with her in the middle of the night, to which he was baffled but managed to play it off. He confronts his 3 brothers, and they know which one of them made the midnight visit, but refuse to reveal who (pretty sketch imo). His wife still "believes" it was him who came in to satisfy her womanly needs. I mean, can this be real? Does this guy really believe his wife didn't know who it was? And furthermore, why would the wife offer up the information unless she really didn't know? Finally, we would the other brothers protect the brother who was sketchy enough to go fuck the oldest brothers wife while she was half asleep? Sounds like a case for Maury, not Abby, to me. I will say it's a pretty creative way to deny responsibility by the woman, but again we are back to why even bring it up?

After dozens of questions regarding regularity, I guess it's time to provide information to the loyal followers on Dual Action Cleanse. I expect some testimonials about how Dual Action Cleanse has made your bowel movements superb.

A healthy colon is a happy colon.

Fuck the Ducks,
The Tycoon

Mississippi State Bulldogs v. Oregon Ducks

2008-03-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

As a personal request, the NCAA Selection Committee matched up the Bulldogs and the Ducks in the 1st round of the NCAA Tournament. I have spent the last several hours stressing out over my cheering decision and I have no choice but to slut out my decision to my loyal followers. Please vote here, and feel free to express your reasons in the comments in order to sway me in case of a tie.

Before I head to bed (it's been a long weekend), I just want to point out possibly the best sentence ever written concerning politicians and sex scandals:

"The aide, Theodore Pedersen, said he and the couple even had a nickname for the weekly romps, from 1999 to 2001, that typically began with dinner at T.G.I. Friday's and ended with a threesome at McGreevey's condo in Woodbridge."

I think I need to start taking more couples to TGI Friday's. Nothing says 3some like a family dining spot!

Oh, and your favorite mini storage tycoon drafted perhaps the greatest fantasy baseball team ever assembled earlier tonight, and that includes an improvement over his 2006 and both 2007 owned championship teams. Some consider him to be a prodigy.

Stay classy Milwaukee,
The Tycoon

A Starkvillan'z Guide to Starkville

2008-03-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

With the rise in popularity of my blog, there has been a corresponding rise in the tourism industry in Starkville. Many people find the number of things to see and do in Starkville to be overwhelming, so as a native Starkvillan, I am here to tell you the things to see and do.

The Southside Hotspots
South of Starkville you will run into the MSU horse center. While you may not think it's much, just a few short weeks ago it hosted a monster truck rally, thereby etching itself permanently on my list of Starkville's must sees.

Even further south down Okton Rd. you'll find The Noxubee Refuge. Famous for late night adventures of MSU students looking to ride the back roads. The Refuge is rumored to be haunted and has several old cemeteries on site. There is pretty much no cell phone service. Once upon a time, we blew a tire in this frightening area around 2 in the morning, were forced to change the tire by the light of the headlights reflected off a CD (obviously this was the genius of The Tycoon rearing its ugly head early in his life), only to blow another tire about a 1/2 mile down the road. It was pretty creepy when you can't get any calls through for a rescue mission.

Starkville Academy is the institution where The Tycoon learned how to woo the ladies and half-ass his way to all A's. The Tycoon spent 13 years at Starkville Academy (kindergarten through 12th grade - no i didn't get held back if that's what you are thinking).

And you final stop on the Southside should be at Bulldog Mini Storage. It's the first office The Tycoon working in the early days of his tycooning. The facility is comparably smaller than the other locations, but possesses a lot of heart and overcomes its lack of units by adding a small touch of charm to your mini storaging experience.

Around the corner from Bulldog Mini Storage, you will find Starkville Discount Liquor, Starkville's only merchant of Night Train.

The Westside Hotspots
Wal-Mart dominates the western landscape and is one of Starkville's biggest tourist attractions. Every weekend, the parking lot is full of out-of-towners coming to roll back prices and see the sights at Wal-Mart. Visitors from as far away as Mathiston and Macon make the long drive to see Sam Walton's dream in action. AND IT'S A SUPERCENTER!!!!!!

The Highway 12 District
Starkville is home to the nation's premier Wendy's. You may be questioning how a Wendy's could be worth a stop, but you haven't been in this Wendy's. They have wi-fi, a coffee bar, and breakfast! The seating area is ginormous and clean. The fries are a little saltier and the bacon a little crispier. This is really a Wendy's one must experience to appreciate.

The Hunt Club is Starkville's largest night club. Hell, it's supposedly the largest night club in all of Mississippi! Many national acts that have played the Hunt Club including, most notably, Vanilla Ice, Better Than Ezra, and Cowboy Mouth! Not only that, but the Hunt Club is attached to a bowling alley. $10 gets you in the door with a plastic cup, and you can drink all night on that $10 investment. There is a karaoke bar and a dance club where you can here such current hits as "O.P.P." and "Come on Ride the Train". The beauty about The Hunt Club though is the variety of ladies it provides. No longer are you limited to cute MSU co-eds, instead you have cute MSU co-eds, ugly MSU co-eds, and the finest white trash you can find in a 50 miles radius of Starkville. You see, The Hunt Club is more than a bar, it's a lifestyle. They don't nickname it The Cu...well, you get the picture.

Brewski's is Starkville's #1 liquor store and crawfish provider. March is the best time of the year to get to Starkville and attend a good ole fashion crawfish boil, so book your flights asap! Please, someone come visit me. Anyone? Please? I'll get you into all the best crawfish boils, I swear, I know people. Just shoot me an e-mail or call before you arrive.

The Northside Hotspots
The house where The Tycoon was born and raised. An older quaint home located on a quiet street near downtown Starkville. There are no signs out front letting you know you've arrived, just the chance of catching The Tycoon's Pathfinder sitting in the driveway to let you know you are there. Perhaps you can chat around town and find a local in "the know" who can give you precise directions, as The Tycoon is a moderate celebrity around town.

Downtown Starkville is the city's business center, attracting intelligent educated young professionals from across the country. Among the national companies located downtown are...er, well none come to mind immediately, but they are there.

Starkville Mini Storage is the oldest mini storage in the stable headed by The Tycoon. See where the dream began. Sure some of the doors might be a little old and require that extra "umph" to get open, but the character of place creates a charming atmosphere that just draws you in.

Located in a run down old motel is a little dingy hippie bar called Dave's Dark Horse Tavern. Thursdays and Fridays allows you to stuff your face on a pizza buffet. Furthermore, Monday night is the perfect night to chill out with some delicious domestic drafts and enjoy MICE RACES!

Eastsiderz
The newest member to The Tycoon's empire is Bully's Lockers. Often referred to as the sexy member of The Tycoon's stable, Bully's Lockers is also located next to the MS Highway Patrol office, thus providing a splendid opportunity for a 2-in-1 stop on your Starkville tour.

Actually located just outside of Starkville on 16th Section Rd. is Sonny's BBQ. Quite possible the best BBQ sauce you'll ever consume. Now the only drawback to making a Sonny's visit is that 16th Section Rd. does tend to be the primary road for murder victims to be disposed on, so watch yourself and possibly bring you defense weapon of choice.

Well that's my Starkville tour. Plenty here to keep you busy for weeks on end, and we haven't even begun discussing area attractions like Little Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, Maben, West Point, The Crossroads, Eupora (home of Markell Patterson!), or Artesia.

And I leave you with perhaps Starkville's largest claim to fame, throwing Johnny Cash in jail for drunkenly picking flowers after a show.

Starkvillanz4lyfe,
The Tycoon

Mounting Pressure and My First T-Shirt

2008-03-12T21:23:00.000-07:00

With a much needed break from blogging last night, I was bombarded with angry followers looking for their Tycoon fill. I do apologize for an unannounced night off, but I have too much integrity to post a sub par blogging. It would be an insult to my intelligently superior followers. But knowing that so many followers are eagerly awaiting each new post is a bit overwhelming and puts the pressure on me to continue to outperform myself. I have resorted to substance abuse to deal with the need to constantly outdo myself. I am thisclose to pulling a Dave Chappelle and disappearing into Africa for 6 months. On the bright side, knowing my musings are such a delight to so many and a major part of their lives has led me into investigating ways to supplement my tycooning income. I am currently in the process of designing a Tycoon clothing line and just finished my first t-shirt design. Without further ado, here it is, my first t-shirt:

The Front (centered on the chest)

The Back (centered on the back)

Please leave your orders in the comments section. The initial printing of the shirts will likely be on white, but other colors may be discussed.

I'll leave y'all today with a short musing about my uncle. I cannot figure out how he and I came from the same gene pool. He works at the mini storages because he couldn't get work doing anything else (ok, so are we similar in some ways) and begged his way to getting work. On the days we both work, we usually eat lunch at my grandmother's house, and over the past nearly 2 months I have been blown away by him (not that he wasn't like this before, it's just seeing him much more regularly than before has open my eyes even more). He wears overalls and the ugliest fucking shirts ever every.single.day. He prefers to communicate in a serious of unintelligible grunts and redneck muttering that makes Boomhauer sound well-spoken. He likes to cheer for Ole Miss despite being from Starkville and never going to Ole Miss, or any college for that matter. It probably is because of their history in waving the confederate flag. The other day he had on an Ole Miss visor turned backwards...and he probably wore it that way sitting in the office all day. Just last year he spent a month sick and laying in bed refusing to go to the hospital because he didn't have health insurance nor the money to pay for a huge hospital bill. He is the ideal person who should be very pro any kind of national health care program, but he's too ignorant to realize that these "liberals" might be the way to go for someone making $35,000 a year and without health insurance. But then he'd have to vote with the majority of black people, and white trash tend to be racists because it makes them feel like they are at least better than somebody. So much so, that he'd rather lie in bed feeling like Hell for a month not knowing what is causing his illness instead of voting with "them". I mean, have a good reason for picking your side dumbshit, whether it's the Republican or Democratic side. He's not even religious, so he can't even play the religion card. He revels in his ignorance and doesn't even have the tact to give off an attempt at decency. While he eats lunch, he sounds like Mr. Ed eating a fucking apple, and then he starts making some noise like a cat coughing up a hairball at the table. He's loud. This is about the time I'm ready to stab him in the throat with my knife. All in all, he is the reason that the southern redneck stereotype exists. I have never seen such a perfect storm of everything repulsive rolled into one human being...and we can from the same gene pool. God knows how much business he costs the mini storage empire by revolting potential renters. When I am in sole control the mini storages, such charity cases will not be supported. I got an empire to expand.

Finally, tonight I saw "Semi-Pro". Don't go see it. Shawn, I am never believing you when you say a movie with Will Ferrell "has to have a couple of funny parts". Although, attending the movie did allow me to scope out the next terrible movie by someone who used to be in funny movies. I present to you Mike Myers' "The Love Guru":

Really, who greenlights this shit? Of course 2 chicks behind us thought "Semi-Pro" was funny.

Stay Classy Starkville,
The Tycoon

Tapered Leg Jeans

2008-03-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

As I stared at the jeans of the guy in front of me at the grocery store I couldn't help but wonder "Why do guys wear tapered leg jeans?". While standing there I thought about my personal fashion history where I diverged paths from tapered leg jeans, and I came up with an estimate around the age of 12, or basically when i became old enough to evaluate the way clothes looked on me. For the life of me, I have yet to be able to figure out why any guy would still wear tapered leg jeans. Ever. Who even thought that tapered leg jeans would be a good idea? They aren't slim fit "hipster" jeans", nor are they baggy jeans. They aren't even boot cut. They bunch up around you knees and hips and fit snuggly around your ankles. They make you appear feet shorted than your actual height, not to mention the disproportionate width they make your hips look. Not that I stand around checking out dudes in tapered leg jeans or anything. Does anyone really want to persuade me that these are cool? (Britton and Matt Ellis please don't comment, we know of your affinity for the tapered leg look) Might as well get those acid washed. Of course, I'm not the best looking or most successful tycoon in the room, so I relish the fact that so many people think that tapered leg jeans are in style (and don't even get me started on sweet bulky hiking boots). It gives this tycoon a leg up on the ladies in attendance.

In other news, Chad Kroeger of Nickelback sucks his own dick, and Obama and Hilary battle ove...wait, CHAD KROEGER OF NICKELBACK SUCKS HIS OWN DICK?!?! Yes, loyal followers, he gives himself head:

Chad Kroeger of Nickelback told Playboy Magazine that he learned how to suck his own dick after someone dared him to for a case of beer.

Chad said, "I put my own dick in my mouth. I was 14 and much more flexible at the time. It was soft and required a lot of pulling. I really wanted that case of beer."

I am not gonna lie, I spend many hours idling in the mini storages attempting to do the same thing, but I'd never go public with such personal information. There was one day that a renter pulled up as i had both legs behind my head and inches away form reaching my goal, but as I was nearing completion of my goal, I heard the sound of a car door shutting and throw out my back un-pretzeling myself to prevent from sending a poor unsuspecting renter into shock. I mean, I feel Chad's pain, as I have found myself in desperate need for a beer, but wouldn't it be much easier to just blow the other guy instead of hyperextending yourself to suck your own dick? A dick is a dick right? I'd like to hear from other readers who have sucked their own dicks, or at least made a valiant attempt to do it.

I wonder if Chad sings this to all the boys to tell them that their wiener reminds him of his own?

Finally, I have a disappointing turnout thus far for my Tycoontest. I am extending the deadline and look forward to hearing from interested Tycoontists in living the life of The Tycoon for a week.

Until Next Time,
The Tycoon

A Day In The Life

2008-03-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

Many loyal followers have expressed interest in a typical day of The Tycoon. Well you are in luck. Here goes:

8 a.m.
Wake up, and immediately assaulted by Other Kitty in search of food, as during the night her pregnant ass has licked the bowl clean. Lint is coolly waiting in the hallway, refusing to stoop to the levels of begging, and instead allowing Other Kitty to lower herself, while he reaps the benefits. I usually have to pee upon waking, but find the chore difficult unless I first feed Other Kitty and Lint. Other Kitty is undaunted by the stream of pee exiting my body and will sometimes attempt to climb onto the toilet to get my attention. This creates much excitement as Other Kitty tediously balances on the toilet bowl lip and I am already performing the difficult task peeing into the toilet when you first wake up and now I am having to aim around Other Kitty.

8:15 a.m.
Eat some breakfast, check e-mail, watch a little Sportscenter.

8:55 a.m.
Leave the house to start tycooning for the day. Lint usually leaves the house too, undoubtedly to go pimp bitches without the threat of any bastard children given his lack of balls.

9 a.m.
Settle into the office chair with the Clarion Ledger and began looking for blogging inspirations. I remove inspirations from the paper and make notes for blogging later.

9:30 a.m.
Postpone blogging preparation for the Family Feud.

10 a.m.
The Price is Right begins. I semi-return to my blogging preparation and roll my eyes whenever Drew Carey giggles like a 12 year old Asian girl.

11 a.m.
I get excited about the chance to exercise my brain with Jeopardy. If Jeopardy eliminated all the old history categories I think I would stand a chance, as is I always run the table on the pop culture or sports related category that the actual contestants can't answer. Also around this time I receive a text message from Scott who supposedly has a law firm job in Nashville but manages to never go into work before 11 a.m. and then spends 3/4 of his afternoon texting 18 year old freshmen ladies from the University of Tennessee. He likes to rub it in that I have more responsibilities as a mini storage tycoon than he does as a first year associate. I'm gonna laugh when he gets fired.

Noon
Lunch time! :)

1 p.m.
Back to the mini storages. :( The television early in the afternoons is quite lackluster. When I began tycooning, I had fallen behind on my stories, and I have resisted becoming tied by into the life of Bo, John, Marlena, and the rest of Days of Our Lives. It took me years to move on with my life, and with tycooning responsibilities overwhelming me, I can ill afford to become intertwined in their saga again. Therefore I usually spend the early afternoon hours watching a Netflix DVD on my portable DVD player.

3 p.m.
By this time my DVD has usually ended and I venture to the mailbox to grab the mini storage mail. If it's around the first of the month, we are hammered with mountains of payments, but otherwise the mail consists of flyers regarding national mini storage conferences (which I am tentatively planning on attending this year) and bills that can't be delivered to the renters because they moved and left no forwarding address. This is were mini storage tycooning briefly ventures into mini storage sleuthing, as I spend the next few minutes making phone calls and hunting down the vile vermin who are on the run to avoid their mini storage payments.

3:30 p.m.
My sleuthing is usually finished by this time and I choose whether to watch Dr. Phil or Montel. I base my decision on which host has the most awesome life story. Did you know Dr. Phil have some chick on who had battled anorexia for 15 years and weighed 60 lbs? I bet not because all your jobs suck!

4 p.m.
MAURY TIME!!!!!!! I love Maury because he's everything Jerry Springer used to be before fake cat fights, contrived chanting, and bad actors. I often use Maury for inspiration in finalizing my blogging plans for the night.

5 p.m.
Time to head home! Lint is usually waiting for me at the front door as he's exhausted from from whoring himself out. Upon entering the house, Other Kitty greets us with begs for more food, as she has cleaned the bowls out. Have you ever heard a hungry cat eat? Sounds like a horse.

6 p.m.
Watch basketball.

7:30 p.m.
Go lock mini storage gates, undoubtedly causing me to miss the end of a splendid basketball game that I've been watching since 6. I use my alone time in the care to ponder the final touches on my nightly blog entry.

8:15 p.m.
I arrive home and battling Other Kitty for my dinner. She's pretty damn fiesty.

9 p.m.
Begin blogging.

11 p.m.
Finish blogging, and begin negotiating fantasy baseball moves and draft strategies.

1 a.m.
X-FILES!

2 a.m.
Bed time.

And repeat.

Well loyal followers, that's it. That's my day. I know, it's a lot of responsibilities, but that's the life of The Tycoon. I would love to find time in my life for a lovely lady, but my responsibilities right now prevent me from anything more serious than a casual Starkville fling at the moment, and even then, the sheer number of single Starkville ladies seeking to get their hands on my TycoonEstate makes even casual affairs impossible. Alas, the life of a mini storage is inherently lonely and a life I have chosen to live.

And before I go, I am gonna leave my loyal followers with a helpful hint with the ladies...and don't worry, I have 10 of them for you. These are tips from a lady that I feel need to passed along to the male followers who are struggling to satisfy their ladies. By the time these are finished, you will no longer have issues with the opposite sex:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

Any lady followers care to disagree with this assessment? I would like to open a discussion forum for my followers to communicate their feelings and beliefs so that the male followers are better suited to please the female followers. Godspeed to all the men out there looking to put these suggestions into practice.

Until Next Time,
The Tycoon

I'm A Survivor!!

2008-03-08T06:55:00.000-08:00

Miraculously I made it through the night, and my fire built out of the kitchen table did not spread through my room. I may have some smoke inhalation issues, but that's a small price to pay to have survived the nightmare of 1-2" of snow. I just hope that too many lives weren't claimed.
The Tycoon

Update

2008-03-08T00:55:00.001-08:00

So cold...

Update

2008-03-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

It's getting colder. I don't know how much longer I can last. I have already depleted my cream of mushroom soup stash.

Panic in the Streets of Starkville!

2008-03-07T19:29:00.000-08:00

With news of the impending 1-2 inches of snow in the Starkville area, local residents were sent into a tizzy. Schools were shut down early, grocery stores were running low on bottled water and canned goods, sporting events were canceled, and roads were abandoned. Upon initially hearing that 1-2 inches of snow was on the way, I was excited. I couldn't wait to get outside and make a snowman and a snow angel, but my excitement soon turned into fear and dread as the local weathermen began warning area residents of the dangers of 1-2 inches of snow. What if it ices even though the temperature 2 days ago was in the 70s and the current temperature was barely below freezing, therefore making it virtually impossible that ground, and especially pavement, cold enough to actually make snow stick and things freeze? Of course my engineering and legal mind looked at things logically and was not worried, but I was wrong. Upon being properly scared into action by the local weathermen and multiple phone calls from my mother asking if it was snowing there and warning me to stay in doors, I decided to make a quick run for the grocery store before becoming snowed in. Upon arriving at the Piggly Wiggly, I realized I was not the only resident sent into a winter storm survival frenzy. After gathering myself I made a break for the bottled water and entered into the throng of several hundred thirsty Starkvillians. I took several blows to the head before getting my hands on a 24 pack. As I crawled my way out of the tangled web of bodies, I realized several small children where on the floor being trampled. I wanted to save them, honest, but I knew that if I was to make it out alive with the water I could not take on someone who would slow me down, and if these children had been left behind by their parents, then they must have been a severe hindrance in survival and I knew that my best chance was to also leave them behind. After making it out of the crowd, I sprinted to the canned goods grabbing anything I could. I was briefly disappointed to see that only cream of mushroom soup was left, but I quickly shook my disappointment and realize that if I wanted to make it through the blizzard I could stomach the taste of mushrooms. I only have to maim 4 other frenzied Starkvillians in making it to my car with my bounty. As I cranked my car I noticed, much to my horror, that a snow flake had just landed on my windshield! How would I make it home safely? How would I beat the blizzard?? I briskly calculated the statistics on making it home quickly to beat the blizzard versus driving safely but possibly being stranded between Piggly Wiggly and home once the snow became overwhelming. The stats said to hurry home. On the wild ride home, I encountered many Starkvillians who abandoned their vehicles in an attempt to walk home choosing the safe route in the face of the oncoming onslaught of the blizzard. God bless their souls. Upon a miraculously safe arrival at home, I began breaking down wooden furniture for use as firewood, as my house does not have a wood fireplace and the central heat could be the recipient of blizzard related problems. Thus far things haven't gotten bad, but we have all night to live through this nightmare.

The low tonight is 29 degrees and the high tomorrow is 45 degrees. I hope I make it.

Is it a fire hazard to build a small fire in my bedroom to keep me warm tonight? I would hate to encounter frost bite and be forced to amputate my own toes since I don't have the medical insurance to cover such a procedure.

For all you lawyers out there that think your hot shit for having jobs and what not, I got news for you: you aren't all that. In Brazil, an 8 year old boy passed the entry exam for law school, but was turned away because he hasn't graduated high school yet. He dreams of being a judge one day. And to think, most of you were like 22 or older when you took the LSAT. I bet y'all all feel a little inadequate now, huh?

Is there someone out there who has more hate in their heart than Ann Coulter? I've never been big on politics, and had really only heard through 3rd parties about Ann, but hadn't checked into her stuff on my own. Well the positive thing about the mini storage tycooning industry is that I can do things like read the entire paper front to back. About once a week, Ann has one of her syndicated editorials in the paper, and all I can say is "wow". That's one hateful bitch. It's not even a conservative/liberal thing, she's just got the hate in her heart. You can see it in her eyes. She takes disagreement to a whole new level. I wonder if she realizes that Jesus didn't have the hate in his heart?

Just trying to stay alive,
The Tycoon

Back In The Saddle Again

2008-03-06T15:54:00.000-08:00

Did my loyal followers miss me? Sorry about last night's explosion. During my travels I was contemplating my relationship between myself and my followers and I feel as though y'all don't have a full grasp of me, so today I am going to make a list of things I like and things I don't like so that y'all can get to know me better. Some of these might catch you off-guard while others might seem mundane and unexciting to you, but this is who I am.
.
.
.
.

Things I like:
Dominating fantasy baseball
Hearing of other people's failures
The UFO shows on the History Channel
Quizno's Steak Bistro Sammie
A blacked out Matt Blum
Iron Chef
Hooveround Commercials
Plaid shoes
Steve Eberlein
Blogging
Agnes
Fantasy baseball drafts
Sleeping in a cold room with a bunch of covers
Not setting alarm clocks
The new Raveonettes album
Tycooning
Flatulence
Good hair days
Lebron
Staying regular
Laura Beth Dong
Cops, the show
Eating meat
Netflix in Oregon - 1 day turnarounds!
Making Rob angry
The Mini Storage Fairy
Black dudes with beards
Carl Edwards
The Top 20 Redneck Moments on CMT
House Beer Pong Tournaments
Furious
House Beer Pong Tournaments in conjunction with House NCAA Football Tournaments
Fire+Crotch
Dual Action Cleanse Infomercials
Dana Scully
Lil' Bush
Concerts
Cryptoquip
Hoverounds
World's Most Amazing Videos
.
.
.
.

Things I don't like:
Shan Foster
People with real jobs
Student loans
The preview channel telling me that "True Story: I Woke Up in a Morgue" is on, but when really a show about futuristic cars is on
Getting off ski lifts
Fantasy football
Other Kitty's promiscuity
Bitter people
People who don't live in Starkville, MS
The fact that Wesley has no soap next to his bathroom lavatory
Blankets that are too short to cover your whole body
Flaming Bush
The new Black Keys album
Nascar drivers not named Carl Edwards
People who think they are having fun by going out and being social
Asians, both kinds - Chinese and Japanese
Urinary Tract Infections
Mini Storages
Katalina
Vegetarians
Cops, the people
Starkville's "music scene"
Netflix in Mississippi - 3 day turnarounds :(
Hearing my great aunt discuss her yeast infection
CVS cashiers that walk away from the counter to chat with their friends at the camera counter even though you are standing right there
Scott Baldwin
Ole Miss
Inadequate bowel movements
Nazis
Alabama
Law jobs
Hurricane Katrina
Early morning phone calls
Metrosexuals
Balding people
.
.
.

I'm pretty much ambivalent towards everything else.

So the MS Legislature is about the biggest waste of time EVER. Among the bills that have been proposed lately: a bill preventing restaurants from serving obese people; a bill for a "covenant" marriage that would establish a "super marriage"; and finally, a bill which would prevent unmarried co-habitating couples from adopting a child, and MS would not recognize such adoptions from other states.

1) The "obese bill" is supposedly tied to the state looking out for the health of the states' citizens. I would love to see the reaction when the first fat ass politician rolled into his favorite restaurant and was told that he couldn't order "the usual" and instead could have a delicious green salad without dressing...mmmm. Why not propose a bill that regulates the quality of food that restaurants could serve? Why not fund classes for kids based around the benefits of eating healthy? Or serve them healthy food instead of slopp joes and fries at lunch? This bill is just a bad idea all together. Would you want to be the 17 year old high school kid who tells the 45 year old heart-attack-waiting-to-happen that he can't have his nachos?

2) Are the really wasting time making a special "super marriage" that people can VOLUNTARILY enter, and if the marriage doesn't work out the formerly happy couple HAS to go through at least a year of counseling and meet several other qualifications before they can divorce. Do we really need a special marriage for that? People can't just personally choose to go the extra mile to save their marriage if they desire to do so? Why should the state be worried about how much counseling you go through before you get a divorce?

3) I love that it would be OK for a single, alcoholic parent to legally have their own children, but should a co-habitating couple decide to adopt a child, they can't if they live in MS. Furthermore, what happens when a co-habitating couple adopts a child in one of those "liberal hippie states" otherwise known as the other 49 states, and due to whatever reasons needs to or is forced to move to MS? Does the child get taken away and put in foster care? Does it really hurt a child to be raised in a stable household even though the adoptive parents aren't married?

Should I stay in MS for the long term, I will commence a state legislature run. Obviously my first order would be to not only provide all of MS's elderly with a complimentary Hoveround, but to force all people over the age of 75 to use Hoverounds while in the state of MS. I would also be interested in forcing all bar to consume at least 3 alcoholic beverages before leaving their favorite watering hole. No more hanging out at the bar and costing the business owners money under my watch! If you want to be a DD stay home and show up at closing time! Tired of dressing up for Wal-Mart visits? I would require all Wal-Mart patrons to dress like trailer trash! Finally, I would propose taking the obesity bill a step further and prevent overweight people from buying groceries all together. They can take their fat asses outside and grow and/or kill their own damn food. Not only would it limit the food they ate, but it would also force them to get some exercise. IF ANYONE CAN, THE TYCOON CAN!

And finally, some of your favorite Hoveround commercials:

Nothing says Hoveround like The Beach Boys!

And finally, the OG Hoveround commercial.

One of my life goals is to go to the Grand Canyon on my own Hoveround!

Until Next Time,
The Tycoon

Die Shan Foster

2008-03-05T20:03:00.000-08:00

I hope you burn in hell. Look him up and you can figure out my disdain. If you are angry that my blogging is not getting back on track tonight, you can direct you hate mail to "Shan Foster, C/O The Vanderbilt University Commodores Basketball Program".
The Very Pissed Off Tycoon

Friday Night Lights

2008-02-29T18:24:00.000-08:00

If we still followed these hiring practices I might be a lawyer instead of a mini storage tycoon. Thank God for the change in times.

Personally I apply a lot of these same principles to my love life. The loyal followers are about to receive priceless insight into the social world of The Tycoon. It's a special place, a place where you spend Friday nights hanging out with the cats watching Netflix and blogging. But I digress, you guys can thank me later when you successfully implement these approaches to your ladies.

1) Pick up the married ladies. Ideally they are too intertwined with their married lives to expect anything from you, and do not wish to make the affair publicly known, as that would bite them in the ass come divorce time.

2) Pick up older women. Cougars. Enough said. I know a guy that you can pick up some cougar hunting (a.k.a. cunting) tips from. Leave your e-mail if interested and I will get you in touch. He specializes in the casino cougar, so if you got that Vegas trip planned, you need to talk with him.

3) Husky girls aren't crazy. Well, all girls are crazy, husky girls are just less so. No wonder guys tend to go that route from time to time.

4) Women need to get their shit checked out! Don't come giving your diseases to men, keep them isolated in your own sex! Such check ups would allow the man to at least make an informed decision ("Condom? Fuck it. I'll just Lysol it afterwards.")

5) Women need to slow things up, otherwise the man is over and done with in a minute or 2.

6) I prefer to make a list of things I want the lady to do before we get started, I even specify the length of time spent at each "job". Yeah, maybe the mood suffers slightly, but I hate when she starts asking questions. Keep your mother shut woman!

7) I too encourage changing from one woman to another, and allowing several women to take turns performing the "job". It does really keep morale high.

8) I too enjoy giving my lady some rest. God knows I need my rest too.

9) If you want to start badgering your lady about her skillz in the sack, be my guest. It takes a special evil soul to bring out those guns early on the in the relationship.

10) Women don't like being talked dirty to? Hmmm, bummer. I always kinda ignore this principle. She can deal with it.

11) Women like different sizes of "uniforms". Apparently my size is pretty unpopular.

So here we are loyal followers. Another Friday night. I love Friday nights because they allow me to learn who my true followers are, as they are staying in eagerly refreshing "The Musings of a Mini Storage Tycoon" instead of doing thinks like going to bars, going to movies, going on dates, playing beer pong, and generally having a sweet time. If you want to be known as a true follower, let me know in the comments that you were eagerly awaiting my post.

By the way, there'll be no blogging after tonight until next Wednesday or Thursday. I will be traversing the Mississippi Delta seeking mini storage expansion possibilities. I know what you are thinking: "The MS Delta??". The first rule of mini storage tycooning is that you cater to your renter demographics, and mini storage renters are old white people and poor black people, basically about 98.4% of the MS Delta population. Once I take over the MS Delta, no one will be able to hold me back. Wish me luck followers. On the bright side, there may be a guest blogger documenting my rise from a small town boy with dreams to accomplishing those dreams and becoming The Tycoon.

I really wish I was going to Monster Trucks in Tupelo tomorrow night. Gravedigger is gonna be there. Nothing like an evening of whiskey, mullets, and monster trucks. Maybe next year :(

Time to go watch a movie on Netflix.com. Why is the turnaround time so slow in MS? It was like 1 day in Oregon. It's not like they gotta go far to the distribution center in Jackson. Slackasses.

Until Next Time,
The Tycoon

The Importance of Good Advertising

2008-02-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, so The Tycoon's mind has sufficiently been blown by perhaps the best marketing strategy he's ever seen developed. I was so baffled that I couldn't even properly figure out how to address such a spectacle and instead will let you decide for yourselves. I wish I would have thought of it first. Here it is in all it's glory, www.milliondollarpubes.com:

I have always liked to have a smooth and hairless body; it's how I feel good.

The pleasure given to me by the sensation of my own soft skin has lead to many evenings experimenting with a wide range of hair removal techniques: waxing, shaving and creams, I have used them all.

To keep up my desired smoothness requires ongoing and time consuming maintenance which has increasingly become a frustrating chore. Therefore, as a long term solution I have recently decided to have laser hair removal in order to get rid of my pubic hair for good! :-)

Unfortunately, laser hair removal can be an expensive treatment and therefore I needed to find a way to raise money for this. I knew that I had to come up with an idea that was fun and original enough to catch people’s attention and therefore I have decided to sell the pubic hair that I will ultimately be removing.

Subsequently I started thinking about how I could sell my pubic hair and as a result of this MillionDollarPubes.com was born.

The idea is simple; for each of my public hairs that your purchase you can also place a 10 x 10 pixel advertisement on the homepage of MillionDollarPubes.com, with a short accompanying description & direct link to your website.

Due to the unusual nature of my project I am hoping there will be a large amount of interest in MillionDollarPubes.com. Therefore, your logo and link to your website will be visible to the volume of visitors to this site.

To buy a pubic hair & advertise on my site all you need to do is to click on the 'BUY PUBIC HAIR' link above, you can then select whereabouts on the screen your advertisement will appear. There is no limit to the number of my hairs you can buy, and therefore blocks of 10 x 10 pixels you can select. Selecting multiple blocks adjacent to each other will allow you to display a larger advertisement.

Upon checkout you will also have the option of whether or not you wish to receive my pubic hair in the post, as well as your advertisement. I hope that as many people as possible choose to receive my hair, but if you would prefer to just place your advert then that is fine too!

To place an order select the 'BUY PUBIC HAIR' link above, or click here .

Timescales for delivery may vary depending on demand, however all customers who wish to will definitely receive the correct number of hairs purchased, so please be patient! Thank you.

Payments are made securely using PayPal; both for your convenience and also for the security offered by the PayPal system.

I couldn't have said it better myself. I have been sitting here angry with myself for not coming up with such a brilliant idea and pondering how I could somehow top this. I have finally settled on what to do. While I don't need to raise $1 million dollars, a couple of extra $1s lying around won't hurt anyone, therefore I just spent 5 minutes in the bathroom with my beard trimmer removing my own pubes. I will be selling my pubes from my blog for $1 per pube. Please just leave you order and e-mail in the comments section and I will fill the orders daily. I will also be posting a before and after picture of me in a banana hammock to show the difference in attractiveness that good pube maintenance brings to a man. As for why you'd want my pubes, honestly I can't answer that. I can provide some ideas for you though, maybe you can use them to replace your receding hairline (I'm looking at you Britton) or perhaps you want to use them to make your chest appear more manly (Brad?) or maybe you are just a creepy stalker who likes collecting tycoon pubes. Regardless, for $1 per, I am sure you can find a way to put these prestigious pubes to use. Maybe display them in your living room like a trophy, complete with a plaque?

I can't wait for my "Million Dollar Pubes" t-shirt to arrive. I think I'll wear it to work in hopes of sparking of conversation with the local ladies.

Now for my rant of the day. Maury! What the fuck was that shit today? Worst.Maury.Ever. Over the past month and a half I have been able to rely on Maury to give me my trash television fix each day from 4-5, with such spectacular episode titles like "I had a train run on my but I know you are my baby's daddy!" and "Maury, I don't know who my baby's daddy is...please help me!" And today I turn on Maury and see this:

Strangely enough I ended up mesmerizingly watching the entire episode and enjoying the young children dancing...um, where was I... Oh right, personally Maury should stick with what he knows and is really about (sluts, coke whores, gang bangs, baby's daddies, black women dancing after finally finding their baby's daddy on their 4th Maury appearance to test another guy). I love the guys who say "Maury, that baby ain't mine, look he have chubby cheeks and I don't. See it ain't mine!" All I can say is check out the following pictures:

+

=

No one would have ever thought I was my parents child. And yes, I am rocking my John Michael Montgomery t-shirt. Seriously though, he was awesome. No I'm not lying. I still jam to JMM. Y'all don't believe me. Your loss. I am replacing that JMM shirt with my new Million Dollar Pubes shirt. Coincidentally, JMM's pubes were recently appraised at over $3 million. apparently he's never trimmed them back and they have 40+ years of old growth going on down there.

Even check out later pictures, still no resemblance.

So word to the wise, if you are gonna deny being a baby's daddy, stick with my favorite denial: "I got 4 boys with 4 different women, I don't make no girls."

Also, Rob, Maury is looking for guys going prematurely gray. Here's the website.

Do you ever feel like the television is talking directly to you when you know it's not? This afternoon, the local Indian casino took a cheap shot at me with their newest commercial with the catch phrase "Do you live to work or do you work to live?" while showing people enjoying their money shooting craps and elegantly sipping cocktails, and capping the ad off with a woman driving home in a yellow convertible with her hair blowing in the wind. It got me thinking that I am neither working to live nor living to work right now. And let's face reality, a budding mini storage tycoon must expand his empire before he can really afford to work to live. It was tempting seeing those people laughing and being social to jump in the car and go lose a couple $100 playing blackjack, but my duties as The Tycoon prevented me "living". Now I am questioning my abilities and dedication as a mini storage tycoon.

In today's "Dear Abbey" "Blessed Out in Menomonee Falls, Wis" asks the question that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. When someone sneezes more than once in a row, do you need to say "bless you" after each sneeze? "Dear Abbey", solving the real issues we face daily one-by-one.

In other news, Ole Miss students sign their parents up instead of themselves for a service in which they receive university notices regarding canceled classes and emergencies. Now their parents find out that chemistry class is canceled on Friday. Well, at least Ole Miss chicks are hot and slutty.

And tonight I leave y'all with some of JMM's greatest hits, including the jam "I Swear" made popular by All 4 One!

Don't forget to get you Tycoontest entries in and send in donations to the Tittie Money Foundation.
The Tycoon

Important Breaking Health Report!

2008-02-27T20:24:00.000-08:00

Ladies, are you depressed? Feeling gloomy? Wish you were happier? Maybe all you need is some semen. Yes that's right, semen. According to recent SCIENTIFIC studies, exposure to semen makes women happier.

"Women exposed to their partner's semen during sex ... find themselves feeling happier than those who use a condom, say scientists.

Scientists in the US believe the mood-altering hormones in semen absorbed through the vagina help to boost women's mood."

"They found that women whose partners never used condoms were happiest. They were followed by women whose partners sometimes used condoms."

"Mr Gallup said the findings ... also apply to women who engage in unprotected oral sex and people who engage in anal sex."

Men everywhere are rejoicing! I would suggest printing this article out and having it handy for your lady to read and learn from. Really ladies, we just want you to be happy.

And for those of you looking to spark you sex lives, did you know that you don't have to venture into one of those shady adult stores to buy you sex toys? You can simply walk into you local WALGREENS and purchase all your needs. Now admittedly they don't get too kinky, but if you want to got there then you probably don't have any problems going to the shady adult store in the first place. I would recommend the OhMiBod Vibrator for you music fans out there. Just read this description and tell me you aren't interested:

OhMiBod Vibrator is a sleek, sophisticated new generation of vibrator that combines elegance of design with the excitement of your favorite music. The audio enabled integrated microchip allows it to vibrate to the beat and rhythm of your music while you listen. Includes an additional multi-speed end cap for use without a music player. It really is two products in one! The motor provides strong yet quiet, intense rhythmic vibrations. Polished chrome detail and pearl white body.

I know that I am a huge music fan, and if I was a woman, I couldn't imagine a better surprise! I am sitting here wondering what music I like would work best with the OhMiBod Vibrator. The reviews seem to vary from preferring faster techno songs to the sensual soul of Barry Manilow. I think some afrobeat music could be a bit out of control. I know for one thing, I would feel closer to the music I love than ever. I would love for some of The Tycoon's loyal female followers to give some feedback on the OhMiBod Vibrator. Maybe someone can get to work on developing an male equivalent?

Some of you may have read or saw Gary Busey being awesome at the Oscars. I would just like to take this moment to promote "I'm With Busey". Quite possibly the most underrated television show ever. Basically the premise is that a Gary Busey superfan gets to hang out with his hero. Gary then teaches his superfan the ways of life. Here is a sample:

I encourage all my loyal followers to sign the Bring Back "I'm With Busey" Petition. As you can see, I, The Tycoon, signed the petition, so if you are a loyal follower, I expect to see your signature on there too. I believe that we can make a difference.

Finally, the past few weeks I have been reading the "Ask Abby" type articles between my tycooning responsibilities and have a few gems I would like to comment on. First, "Cover Up, Please, in Alabama" complains that her son's girlfriend shows too much cleavage at family events and that her husband and other sons have expressed their discomfort with her tittie flaunting. Dear Abby mistakenly takes "Cover Up, Please" at her word. "Cover Up, Please" admit that your husband and sons are not uncomfortable, but rather really enjoy your son's girlfriend showing off, and you, being a woman, are insanely jealous that you don't get the attention, so therefore you are trying to thwart their enjoyment. Also, "Mother of Eight" from Salt Lake City chastises Harriette Cole for supporting adult children who move back home. She says that they should have a job and support themselves like getting a job is second nature. All I can say is that "Mother of Eight" has obviously never had the perfect storm of unmarketability of a bio engineering degree, a law degree, and a bar membershit. Life is rough bitch.

Props to Fruit Bowl for sending prodding me to write a sex related blogging. He also just informed me that men who eat a half serving of soy everyday have 35% less sperm. That could be something to remember for those loyal male followers out there doing women a favor my letting them be exposed to their semen. Current speculation is that a full serving could reduce sperm counts by 70%!

Also, a brief update, Other Kitty's pregnancy is progressing normally. Though tonight I caught her trying to get into the liquor. Fortunately, I took it away and drank it all myself for the protection of the children.

Just a quick reminder: don't forget to enter the Tycoontest. For details read the post from 2/26/08. Leave your essay in the comments section, and remember, the Tycoontest ends on 3/4/08, so get your entries in ASAP.

Until next time,
The Tycoon

All My Friends, The Fuzz, Eithics, and a Tycoontest

2008-02-26T18:19:00.000-08:00

First of all, loyal followers, I apologize about last night's absence, the telephones (and therefore DSL) were out at my house, so this edition will be a little longer to make up. On a side note, given the recent outages of the landline telephones at both the mini storage and my house, are we at a point in America where cell phones are now the most reliable form of telecommunication?

So last night I had one of the most exciting 5 minutes of my life! I am laying in my bed naked around 12:45 watching TV half awake waiting on the 1 a.m. X-Files (I usually go to sleep around 2 a.m. for a solid 6 hours of sleep). I heard a commotion which I chalked up to the cats (I'll discuss them more later). Moments later there is a knock on the door. My heart pounds as I spring from bed ready to grab weaponry. Why hadn't I bought myself The Back-Up?!?! Or maybe one of these:

I pull on some pajama pants and make my way to the door, but couldn't see anything through the peep hole, so I slowly and cautiously open it a crack to find 2 Starkville Police Officers standing there. Immediately I was thinking of my possible offense...Where they here to break up my mini storage monopoly? Surely that porn site titled "Hot Teen Girls" wasn't actually underage teen girls was it?! After suppressing the urge to bolt, I asked the officers what the problem was only to be informed that someone had called 911 from my house. I tell them the phones weren't even working, only to have the phone then start ringing behind me. It was 911 calling to see if the cops were there. During this time 2 more cop cars pull up on our quaint little street. After convincing the cops that I was home alone and that I didn't call 911 and that there was no additional apartment on the back of the house or anything, they reluctantly left. The Fuzz don't like leaving calls without a little action, that's for sure. I thought they might tazer me for the hell of it. Moving on, once they left I then noticed the chill. I think I might have been dangling out my pajama pants fly the whole time. Oops.

I know several of my loyal followers have expressed concern that The Tycoon has no friends in Starkville. Well I do indeed have friends, 3 of them to be exact. Let me introduce y'all to Lint, Other Kitty, and Greg Oden.

Say hello to Lint! Can you guess why his name is Lint? Lint was adopted from the Humane Society about 4 years ago, but shh don't tell him. He is quite independent and is not much of a people person, which makes our relationship very strained at times when he simply won't pay any attention to me. Hell getting him to pose for this photo took hours and the promise being left alone for the rest of the night. He is very furry and pretty ginormous. His girth impresses many visitors. Lint also has no balls.

Say hello to Other Kitty! Other Kitty came to us through a miracle of God. She followed my sister back to the car from taking some nature pictures at an Indian mound back in the fall. She was never given a proper name and now enjoys the uniqueness of being named Other Kitty. Other Kitty's personality is the exact opposite of Lint. She is just like a typical woman requiring tons of attention and getting her feelings hurt when you don't feel like cuddling. My sister refused to let Other Kitty out of the house for a very long time sheltering her from real life, but as Other Kitty blossomed into a young woman, she began to experience strange feelings and her hormones were raging and she became rebellious (otherwise known as being "in heat" as she hadn't had her tubes tied). One cold evening as I returned home from the grocery store, Other Kitty bolted out the door and away from my grasp. I tried to lure her home with the promise of food, but she was too horny to lose sight of her goals. That evening in a sign of rebelliousness Other Kitty allowed a local boy from the wrong side of the tracks to have carnal knowledge of her. She is now pregnant (you may be able to see the belly in the picture). Other Kitty often sleeps in the bed with me, but I swear I ain't no baby's daddy. And remember Lint has no balls, so it isn't his, but he has promised to care for the children as his own since he lives with Other Kitty. I have tentatively brokered a deal with Maury Povich for Other Kitty to find out who her babies' daddy is on his first pet DNA testing episode titled "I Was Gang Banged By 10 Kittie, But I Know You Are My Babies' Daddy!!"

Finally, say hello to Greg Oden! Greg and I became acquainted during my all too brief Portland stay. He was my only friend willing to ride cross country to MS with me when I made the decision to go into the mini storage tycooning business. Greg and I often shoot hoops in the backyard. We play h-o-r-s-e with a no dunk rule. He still usually wins, but I never thought of myself as much of a scorer, instead as a tweener with PF rebounding skillz and PG passing skillz. Unfortunately my dribbling skills aren't that sweet either. Greg and I often discuss life, he talks about the disappointment in missing his rookie season with microfracture surgery, and I know how he feels as I was struggling with my inability to find work as an attorney. We really bonded. We are both in a better place now though, as Greg can see the light of next season's start and I am content to be a mini storage tycoon.

In the legal world there exists a Code of Ethics governing the actions of attorneys everywhere. While mini storage tycoons do not have a written code of ethics, there is an unspoken code of ethics that combines average mini storage workers ethics and general tycoon ethics. I have a dilemma. Today a young lady entered the mini storage and caught my fancy. Unfortunately she was not into small talk and simply wanted to pay her rent and leave. Being a tycoon and all, I often have to watch for gold digging women. I am tired of the womanizing and bachelorhood that accompanies young tycoons who fill their time with woman just wanting a some free drinks and to sleep in a spacious bedroom with Mississippi State borderpaper. Would it be a mini storage tycoon be violating his ethical code by snaking the lady's phone number from her mini storage file and calling her up? Vote here!

And now loyal followers, here is a once in a lifetime opportunity!! It's a Tycoontest where 1 lucky follower will be able to switch lives with me, The Tycoon, for a week (or a month or however long you wish). To enter the Tycoontest, write why you want to experience the life of a tycoon in 100 words or less in the comments section. I will accept entries for 1 week before naming a winner. The winner will be able to switch lives with me, The Tycoon, for at least 1 week. During our switch-a-roo, you will do everything in my life, including playing h-o-r-s-e with Oden, feeding Lint, and cuddling with Other Kitty, while I do everything in your life. That does include paying student loa...er, bills that become due during the switch. So get your entries in and don't miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime!! Enter the Tycoontest!!

Oh, and before I go, to my California followers, for $200 and a free weekend, you can legally learn how to grow you very own marijuana! Classes are booked until May, but I think it'd be worth the wait.

In honor of my Starkvegas friends, I leave you with LCD Soundsystem "All My Friends".

Godspeed to all you bar retakers. I had an entire motivational blogging idea I was gonna post yesterday, but due to the great telephone line outage of 2/25/08 I was unable to get you all properly ready. I hope you all pass and are less successful than me at being an unemployed lawyer. But should you wish, I will be more than happy to guide you in the ways of The Tycoon.

The Tycoon

The Tycoon's Philanthropic Revelation

2008-02-23T21:59:00.000-08:00

So last night I posted a discussion on tittie money. Contrary to popular belief, tittie money is not related to strippers, but is rather the money that overweight female renters pull from their bras directly in the view of the local mini storage tycoon. So long as the weather is nippy, as it was yesterday, tittie money is OK, but once the temperatures rise, tittie money becomes tough to stomach for even the greedy tycoon. If you were a big enough loser to be anxiously awaiting a late night post (around 12:30 am CST) on a Friday night, then you might have caught my original tittie money post before I redacted it (I know of at least 1 loyal follower who was waiting...that's you Sco...er, Fruit Bowl). I spent the wee hours of Saturday morning tossing and turning pondering the origination of tittie money and why women felt the need to carry their money snuggled warmly against their breasts. I began to realize that the problem was the women had no pants with pockets, no shirts with pockets, no jackets with pockets, and no purses. Upon my revelation I felt a sting of guilt, arising from the bed to withdraw my initial tittie money post and to step back and figure out a way to help these people. This evening it hit me: use the blog to bring awareness to the problem of tittie money and to rectify this problem plaguing overweight female renters everywhere. Loyal followers, I, The Tycoon, ask you to donate any extra pants (WITH POCKETS!), shirts (WITH POCKETS!), jackets (WITH POCKETS!), or purses to these women afflicted with the tittie money disease. You may send your donations to me at:

The Mini Storage c/o The Tycoon
The Tittie Money Fund
801 Reed Rd.
Starkville, MS 39759.

Remember that these women afflicted with tittie money are overweight, so please keep your clothes in the XXL or larger range (or whatever the corresponding size is in those confusing women's sizes that men don't understand). For donating, you will receive your very own shout out on The Tycoon's blog, a card acknowledging you as a member of The Tittie Money Awareness Group, a tax receipt, and the warmth in your heart knowing that you too have prevented another case of tittie money. Some tycoons want to feed Somalians, some tycoons want to help house Katrina victims, well this Tycoon wants to end Tittie Money Disease and you can help it happen.

**Edit: Several of you quickly responded asking how I planned to identify those in need. Well, quite simply I plan to watch them reach elbow deep into the neck of their shirts and withdraw cold hard cash, at which point I will kindly force them to take an item donated to the foundation. I am even in the process setting up the operation so that you will receive a photo of your Tittie Money sufferer and monthly updates regarding the progression of this disease so that you can follow along with their recovery and fight for a normal life.**

The Tycoon sends a big shout out to Ben Hansbrough who single handedly prevented The Tycoon from putting his hand through a TV earlier this evening by hitting 3 FTs with 1 second left to send the Mississippi State-South Carolina game into OT. I had MSU -2, otherwise I could have cared less who won or loss. But I hate losing a bet. You should see me play Blackjack.

And tonight loyal followers, I leave y'all with some clarification of a term I used. You may have noticed that I referred to one of my loyal followers (your peer) as Fruit Bowl. Well, I am currently trying to give all Tycoonists (that's you) nicknames. His is Fruit Bowl. To understand why, it might be best to just read the definition of a Fruit Bowl. Use your imagination.

Finally, as The Tycoon sits at home along on a Saturday night, thank God for Japanese TV. Unfortunately for me, the tycooning business can be a lonely business, as long hours and dedication to the job are a must to become a successful tycoon. This video is not proper for you working followers.

Until Next Time,
The Tycoon

This Post Has Been Removed for Revamping

2008-02-22T19:20:00.000-08:00

Sorry to disappoint my loyal followers, but tonight's blogging just was not up to The Tycoon's standards. I will be back to redeem myself soon. In the meantime enjoy this video:

Rob you know how that poor guy feels.

Injuries, Adversity, and Exercising Your 2nd Amendment Rights

2008-02-21T18:13:00.000-08:00

Today was a relatively slow day in the life of The Tycoon, and I still have plenty to write about. That should tell you all you need to know about the world of a mini storage tycoon. First of all the day started with me obtaining my first mini storage-related injury. I was expertly going through some storage leases when I briefly lost concentration and stabbed the end of a staple into the middle finger of my left hand. I was able to extract the end of the staple through the entry wound without causing too much more damage, but it hurt like shit and I was across town from my 1st aid kit and the hospital was even further away. So what did I do? I did what any dedicated mini storage tycoon would do, I wrapped that bitch in a paper towel (which quickly soaked through with blood) and soldiered on. I am currently typing tonight's post without the use of my left middle finger, so please excuse any typos. I am pretty embarrassed I allowed such an amateur slip up to occur. On the brightside, it does appear that my finger will be saved and should be back to 100% in time for tomorrow's workday.

Around lunch storms hit the Starkville metro area, and upon arriving at the office post-lunch, I was faced with the prospects of a non-working office phone. Normal human beings would cripple under such adversity in light of the morning injury, but not a true tycoon like myself. I calmly gathered my thoughts, pulled out my cell phone, and called the phone company. They informed me that they were already working on the problem and to hold tight. The phone was not fixed by closing time, but that's OK because I proved to myself that I could handle adversity with the best of them. I am The Mini Storage Tycoon.

Last night after blogging, I was sitting at home watching TV and was amazed by what I saw: THE BACK-UP.

Loyal readers, I know half of you are west coast hippies, but I encourage you all to exercise you 2nd Amendment right to sleep next to a loaded shotgun! I can't help but imagine hilarity in trailer parks everywhere as The Back-Up becomes a national phenomenon. Imagine:

It's dark as the camera pans over the outside of a house trailer. Now we are in a darkened bedroom.

A woman rolls over in bed pulling the covers with her, leaving her man exposed to the elements. After a couple of minutes, the draftiness of the house trailer causes the man to stir and he awakens to find his woman nice and toasty and deep asleep. He pulls at the covers.

Man (whispering): "Darlene Sue! Darlene Sue! Give me some of the covers!"

Woman (mumbling): "Huh? Sure honey."

Woman fails to release the man's share of the covers.

We hear the distinctive sound of a pump-action shotgun being cocked and loaded.

Man: "$%#dammit Darlene Sue! For the last time give me back my covers!"

I am excited about The Back-Up if you can't tell. In fact, Alex, if The Back-Up had been a national craze last summer, you and Robyn would have each gotten your very own The Back-Up as a wedding gift. Y'all could probably actually use them in Memphis.

Moving on, some of you loyal readers might not remember that I am an official lawyer and shit, but choose to enter the mini storage tycoon business. Well I enjoy keeping abreast of developments involving my former lawyer peers. Loyal readers, meet Scott Meece. He is a former Tennessee and Louisiana lawyer who decided to switch careers and enter the exciting field of BANK ROBBING! While I would like to think that Meece voluntarily switched careers, the evidence indicates that his hand was forced when he was fired from his 5th firm since 2004 recently, one of which paid him $90,000. Why did he got the boot you may ask? Well for a variety of reasons ranging from fraud to porno on the work computer to general slackassness. I just have 1 question: HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GUY GET HIRED AND FIRED BY 5 FUCKING FIRMS SINCE 2004, AT LEAST ONE OF WHICH WAS PAYING HIM $90k/YEAR, WHILE I CAN'T EVEN GET A FIRM TO NIBBLE ON MY BAIT?!?! Sorry readers for losing it momentarily, I am quite content progressing my life as a mini storage tycoon.

Speaking of which, my horoscope today states that something I've worked hard for is about to pay off, so I figure that must mean I am about to win the lottery! Hooray! And 2nd, my horoscope siad that I'm "hugely charming tonight". I may have to venture out into the Starkville nightlife and see if it's true. Unless some of my female loyal readers would like to let me know how charming I am tonight and save me the trouble of leaving the house. Either way, I need to know the validity of the charming part of the horoscope so that I know whether to rely on me winning the lottery soon, so please ladies, leave a comment ASAP, Starkvegas bars close at midnight on a Thursday night.

Finally, I am frantically seeking out a full length recording of these kids singing Poison's "Nothing But A Good Time". Whoever can direct me to or provide me with a full length version will share in my future lottery winnings. Thanks.

Until next time,
The Tycoon

A VISIT FROM THE MINI STORAGE FAIRY!! :)

2008-02-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

Today was an exciting day for The Tycoon, as I was visited by the Mini Storage Fairy last night! Who you are probably asking, well the Mini Storage Fairy is in the mold of Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, except for only mini storage tycoons. Good mini storage tycoons are left with gifts of quality cheap furniture or perhaps some sweet VHS movies, and maybe if you are really lucky a TV circa 1988 model. Bad mini storage tycoons are left broken glass in the drive way, shitty cheap furniture, and when they are really bad, a mildewed mattress. Well loyal readers, I have apparently been a very good mini storage tycoon :). I was left a garbage bag full of old nerf guns! It was as if Santa himself had left his large bag of Christmas toys for me in the driveway. Granted several of the guns were broken, and the accompanying projectile was only present for 1 of the guns, but what do you expect? It is only the Mini Storage Fairy afterall, and in my experience, a bag of nerf guns is as good as it gets. I was able to spend part of my day shooting a golf ball sized nerf ball across the office at little targets I set up. I attribute my unexpected visit as a reward for allowing the mentally ill, homeless, money-less, hungry black woman retrieve canned goods from her past due mini storage unit as discussed previously. Moral of the story: treat your mini storage renters with the type of respect you would want to be treated with, and the Mini Storage Fairy will smile upon you.

Moving on, MISSISSIPPI SEX TOY BAN MAY NOW BE POWERLESS!! The 5th Circuit US Court of Appeals has ruled a Texas law banning the sale of sex toys as being unconstitutional. MS, AL, and VA are the only other states with a similar law in place, but those laws are now in jeopardy of becoming obsolete. I knew in my great move south that something was different, I just couldn't put my finger on it, but now I know it was simply the opportunity to buy a double ended dildo at my fancy! Though, I must say, if this law has been in place, how does Fantasyland (famously located on HWY 69 south of Columbus) exist? It has been many years since my 1 and only visit into MS's best known sex store, but I am pretty sure sex toys were present? Any of my southern readers care to verify? Scott, I know you were there with me, because you bought Josh that jacking off wind up monkey. (Btw, that was your shout out for unscrambling "cbmela"). As for the 5th Cir opinion, there is a quote that is sure to go down in con law textbooks forever: "An individual who wants to legally use a safe sexual device during private intimate moments alone or with another is unable to legally purchase a device in Texas, which heavily burdens a constitutional right". It's nice to know that playing with yourself is protected by the Constitution.

In other news, I am sure everyone has heard about the Northern Illinois shootings. Well, here is why some people need to have their right to having opinions taken away. Kerry Hunt of Starkville (yeah I know) rants and raves that allowing students to carry guns on campus would prevent tragedies like va tech and niu. Are you a complete moron Kerry, or do you simply just love your guns and felt like talking out your ass? 1) Even a well trained gun owner would probably be more likely to shoot a classmate instead of the actually shooter when they are sitting in class half-assed listening to a lecture on how the kidneys function in the human body. I really doubt a student to have the quickness and wherewithal to whip out his glock and blow off a dude's head from across a lecture hall prior to him getting any shots off. 2) The threat of running into students carrying guns wouldn't deter these psychos, as they committed suicide anyway. 3) How many college students want to walk around with a holstered handgun all day, talk about a pussy magnet. 4) How many deaths would result from testosterone loaded frat guys arguing about something dumb like your frat being "gay", and ending with a double homicide in the hallway? I really don't understand how some opinions are ever taken seriously. These potential gun-toting heroes aren't professionally trained military sharpshooters who have experience making accurate shots with a handgun while avoiding fire themselves, they are some 20 year old kid who thinks because he can shoot a deer or duck, he could whip out his glock and cap a motherfucker while the guy is unloading shotgun blasts on the crowd.

Finally, I am going to discuss my disappointment in lookalike week on The Family Feud. It started out promising with Elvis, Bono, George W, Howard Stern, and Johnny Depp representing the men, and Dolly Parton, Whoopi Goldberg, Paris Hilton, Marilyn Monroe, and Angelina Jolie representing the women. I didn't expect these to be the best Family Feuders ever, but these people are bad. Category: "Funniest Eddie Murphy Movie" AND NO ONE EVEN ANSWERED THE NUTTY PROFESSOR OR BEVERLY HILL COP! The worst part about this Family Feud idea? The losers get to stay on and come back again the next day...talk about a miserable week to be watching the Feud. You would think that they would have at least found 5 teams of lookalikes and the losers would have went back to LA to stand on street corners, but no, loyal viewers like myself are stuck watching the same debacle day after day. The guy team leads the week 2-1, I'll update for you real working types as the week goes on.

Oh, and I feel as though I must give a quick shout out for Dual Action Cleanse to clean your colon. Like the infomercial on TV from 9-9:30 every morning says, "Don't let years of toxic buildup weigh you down, try Dual Action Cleanse and enjoy a new lighter you!" I'm sold.

A happy birthday to AA. The Starkville AA celebrate their birthday every 3rd Sunday on the month, which got me thinking. I am going to celebrate my birthday every month too, so each month on the 12th I expect to hear birthday cheers from all of you. Start thinking about some party ideas cause March 12 is coming soon!

For everyone who ever had to do one of those lame "science" projects in elementary. I can't decide my favorite, it's between "Crystal Meth: Friend or Foe?" and "Drop It Like It's Hot".

And I leave y'all with the best song ever written about rabbits: Animal Collective "Who Could Win A Rabbit"

Hello, I Am The Tycoon

2008-02-19T17:54:00.000-08:00

While growing up, I never pictured myself becoming a Mini Storage Tycoon, but apparently God had different ideas...or I really pissed him off at some point. Either way, I have now taken my engineering and law degree and my bar membership and turned them into an efficient payment taking, late bill sending, locking out, unit sweeping, receipt writing machine. I am even beginning to find joy in my unexpected career path, such as having every 3rd week off, watching game shows in the morning, and watching DVDs and Maury in the afternoon. And nothing beats being able to foreclose on a poor black single mom's mini storage unit and sell their lifelong belongings for a fraction of the money owed on the mini storage unit.

Here's a story from yesterday. Middle aged black woman comes into the office, she is several months late, but has an elaborate story about being in the hospital for mental illness and through that process is now homeless and has no food. She says she'll be in to pay the rent up at the end of the month, but all renters behind on payment always claim that, and rarely do they follow through. But I digress, this is a story about a mentally ill homeless black mini storage renter, not about the general nature of delinquent renters. Anyway, so this woman is homeless and hungry and locked out of her unit, and she was claiming that she had a bag of canned goods in her unit that she needed to get so that she could eat for the rest of the month. I agreed to let her in to get her canned goods, but that was all. For a brief moment, I thought she was gonna kiss me or something and I feared for my health, but she settled for a handshake. It is yet to be seen whether she somehow comes up with the $100+ she needs to get her stuff out of her unit.

On another note, I had a pretty cute black chick come in to pay her rent this morning. She also changed her name on the unit to her original last name cause she was "leaving her old man". Immediately I was somewhat intrigued, and even more so when she initiated a conversation regarding the Price Is Right and Drew Carey's handling of the host duties from the incomparable Bob Barker. We both agreed it wasn't the same, mostly because of Drew's strange little high pitch giggle that he let's loose around 428 times per show...he sounds like a drunk 12 year old Asian girl (one in particular I can think of). Back to the story, the sparks were flying, and I was regretting having missed out on landing a pair of Snoop Dogg tickets for tonight's show at Rick's. I almost asked her if she was going on the off chance that she might have an extra since she had just left "her old man", but I pussed out and let her slip out the mini storage door and out of my grasp forever. I bet she is currently getting low to a little gin and juice while I sit here telling my story and drinking a 40. Life in Starkville is good. Maybe I will walk to Rick's and wait for her to leave the show...

I can't wait to inherit my share of the mini storages and begin expanding my empire. I think I'll start in Memphis.

Before I leave my loyal readers for the evening, I am in the process of filing a copyright on "Mini Storage Tycoon" - remember I am a lawyer, so I know how to do that shit - and I am currently developing a Roller Coaster Tycoon-type game and looking for a distributor. In the game the tycoon (that would be you) would balance the books in maintaining high quality mini storage facilities. You will run into problems such as renters storing food in their unit leading to mice and rats (can you budget correctly to provide the right amount of rat poison?), confusing renters who claim they have paid when they damn well know they haven't, white trash using their units as their private meth lab (can you figure out which unit emits the funny smell before losing the building to an explosion?), renters driving moving trucks when they have no experience driving anything larger than VW Bug (WATCH OUT FOR THE FENCE! *bang* WATCH OUT FOR THE CORNER OF THE BUILDING! *crash*), and tornadoes dropping mobile homes (ok trailers) on the back end of your mini storage (yes this really happened), amongst many other exciting adventures.

So this is my life. I will try to update daily, with stories, observations, links, and music recommendations for my readers (and I know Britton will appreciate not having an inbox full of great e-mails since he is still learning how to use the delete function on his new technologically advance laptop).

The most accurate depiction of the WNBA ever!

The best song that Beck should have officially released years ago (nevermind the video, i just couldn't find a good stream of it).